


I'll Be Standing There By You

by Eboni_A



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime), Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, Family Feels, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-21 06:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 79,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11937942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eboni_A/pseuds/Eboni_A
Summary: As Tohru Sohma loses her battle with terminal cancer, Yuki temporarily moves in with Kyo to offer support. Tohru is Kyo's life, and Yuki fears what might become of his cousin after Tohru is gone. (Takes place 5 years after the end of the manga.)**Previously published on fanfiction.net under my other nom de plume: Eboni**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Baskets. :D





	1. It's 4:03 and I Can't Sleep

Yuki Sohma was not a morning person, never had been; never would be. Which was why a telephone ringing at 4:00 in the morning warranted attempted murder and rude greetings. Without opening his eyes, Yuki groped for the cell phone on the nightstand beside his Western style bed. It was really his own fault for forgetting to turn the ringer off; work be damned if they needed him before 8:00 am.

Loose change rattled and he felt the links of his gold wrist watch with the side of his hand as he accidentally batted it off the stand with a muted thump. His hand closed around his skinny cell phone, clutching it as it vibrated in his palm. Slowly he brought it to his face and flipped it open. "What?"

He didn't bother opening his eyes to look at the caller ID.

He was met with silence on the other end, then the sound of soft breathing.

"Hello?" he demanded. His voice sounded rough and aggravated. He coughed a few times to get the frog out of his throat. "This better not be a wrong number."

"Yuki?"

Damn. If it had been a wrong number, at least Yuki could hang up. "Yeah?"

He didn't recognize the voice. It was obviously male, and obviously a close associate for the person to have used his first name with no honorific. Only Ayame or Shigure were evil enough to call this early, but the meekness of that voice didn't match either one of theirs. Could it be Ritsu?

Oh, please spare him that.

"I... I shouldn't have called."

 _You got that right_. Yuki sat up in bed, rubbing his free hand over his face. The voice still wasn't bringing a face to mind. The person was practically whispering, as if talking hurt. Slowly, Yuki cracked open his eyes, moaning inwardly at the familiar sting in them that came with waking too early. He pulled the phone away from his face with a yawn and glanced at the caller ID. He paused. It was Tohru's number.

"Kyo?"

It had been a year since Yuki had seen Tohru or Kyo in person. They had attended his university graduation and stayed with him for a week afterward, but then they'd taken the train back to Kyoto. They kept themselves pretty busy in Maizuru: Kyo opening his own dojo and Tohru, a burgeoning entrepreneur, working in, co-managing and then finally taking over a small bakery from an elderly couple with no children. Yuki sometimes wondered what it might have been like had he chosen to get a job immediately after high school instead of going to university. Kyo and Tohru were extremely happy and successful on their own without Kyo's Sohma funds to aid them. Though, Kyo had used the Sohma funds to purchase the cottage he and Tohru lived in, and to pay for their wedding three years ago.

"Kyo, what's the matter?"

Kyo had always been an early riser, but he wasn't one to make phone calls. Tohru usually called, and the phone was passed to Kyo so that he and Yuki could chat for a few minutes, before Tohru took over again. How long had it been since Yuki had talked to Tohru--a month, maybe two?

There was a choked sound on the other end, then another, then a soft sob.

Yuki's stomach clenched in fear. "Kyo? What's happened? Is Tohru all right? Why are you calling me from her phone?"

After several hitching sighs, Kyo spoke. His voice was still small; it wavered. "I'm not supposed to tell."

"Tell what?" Yuki kicked off his blankets and sheets and got out of bed. He hissed and hopped on one foot after the other foot crunched down on his fallen watch. "You're scaring me. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"I can't... but I need... someone to talk to that I don't... have to smile around all the time. But---she just---she never wants to worry or trouble anyone."

There was a short pause. Yuki listened to Kyo's breath hitch several more times, his gut pulsing in time with them. "She---she's dying on me, Yuki. She's dying."

Yuki nearly dropped the phone. He sank to his knees, resting his head on the side of the bed while Kyo sobbed brokenly. It seemed like hours before Kyo was able to speak again. Yuki sat, body numb, insides frozen, head reeling.

 _She's dying_.

Tohru was hurt...ill...? When? "Kyo... when? How?"  _I'm sorry_.

"It's... it's cancer. L-last year... she...there was a tumor in her breast and-and the doctor did a biopsy and said it was cancer. But... but we caught it early and it was supposed to be fine." Kyo spoke quickly, his voice breaking every few words. Yuki clutched the phone so hard his hand ached.

"But...it spread; it went everywhere. Th-there's nothing else---the doctors say there's nothing else they can do. We did everything they said. We did everything..." Kyo began to cry again and Yuki closed his eyes, feeling tears roll down his own cheeks.

"Is she---in the hospital?"

"She comes home this week. She-she wants to be home."

She'd gotten sick last year. Had Tohru been ill at his graduation and Yuki hadn't noticed a thing? How could she keep it from him? How could she never say anything when she called him? That Tohru, always thinking of the welfare of others; she never wanted to be a bother, not even when it was justified.

"What about Hatori? Has Hatori seen her?" Yuki demanded. Hope surged in his chest. Hatori was a brilliant doctor. He always made Yuki better. He could help Tohru.

"Hatori doesn't specialize in oncology. He couldn't-he wouldn't be able to help."

It was like someone had punched him hard in the chest and thrown him in cold water. It was getting hard to breathe; he heard his breath begin to whistle. Yuki staggered to his feet and thudded clumsily to the bathroom. He kept an emergency inhaler in the medicine cabinet. His asthma had been mild to non-existent since he'd started college, and he didn't always carry his inhaler. Hatori told him he was being stupid, but Yuki liked not having the medicine in his back pocket. It was a constant reminder of how weak he used to be.

The bathroom light was bright and he squinted as he opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out his inhaler. Kyo was quiet on his end. Yuki gave himself a dose of medicated mist and waited for his breathing to ease, before daring to speak again.

"Kyo, who's been with you this entire time?" Surely Miss Uotani or Miss Hanajima had been called to be at Tohru's side.

"Tohru," Kyo said softly. "It's just been Tohru and me. We were going to beat it, Yuki. We were supposed to win. Tohru was going to tell you all when it was over, when she was better. She just didn't get better."

And they'd been alone that whole time. Kyo was alone, watching Tohru die.

"Kyo..." Yuki put the cap on his inhaler and slid it back onto its shelf. "I'm going to catch the early train to Kyoto this afternoon, and I'll get a taxi to your house. Do you still keep a spare key in the flower pot by the back door?"

"Y.... Ah.... Y-yes."

"I'll call you when I'm there, then."

Yuki stopped moving, leaning on the bathroom sink and waiting for Kyo's explosion of protests. Tohru didn't want anyone to worry. Tohru might not want him there. Kyo needed to ask Tohru first.

What came next shocked him.

"Okay."

"Kyo?" Yuki swallowed hard. "Are you all right?"

"I don't know," Kyo said. "You can call me on Tohru's phone. I've been carrying it lately. Have---have a safe trip."

Yuki almost protested when Kyo disconnected. His chest ached, but it wasn't asthma this time. He didn't like to think about Kyo crying alone. He didn't want to think about Tohru in a hospital asking to be allowed to die at home.

He needed to call work, he needed to pack, and he needed to call Machi. His fiancé wasn't the most eloquent, especially when it came to emotional matters, but she made him feel better. She wouldn't be able to come with him, she still had a year of university left and classes and exams to take, nor would she have felt all that comfortable coming with him.

Who would feel comfortable coming to watch someone die?

Yuki set his phone down next to the sink and sank to the cold floor tiles. He covered his face with his hands even with no one there to see him weep. His shoulders shook slightly, bumping against the drawers beneath his sink.

He was going to watch Tohru die.

* * *

 

 

Shinedown. "If You Only Knew." Sounds of Madness. Atlantic, 2008. CD.


	2. Smile. What's the Use of Crying?

The 6:00 am train into Kyoto wasn't particularly crowded, but he chose to call a taxi to take him into Maizuru and straight to Kyo and Tohru's house instead of catching a connecting train. The trip was much too short, in Yuki's opinion. He hadn't had time to collect his thoughts. His boss wasn't happy with him using his vacation time on such short notice, but as Yuki hadn't taken a single day off since he'd started with the agency he could hardly be denied. Yuki wasn't working with any important accounts that couldn't be given to another representative. In college, Yuki had discovered a love of math and economics. He loved the art of making money for other people and watching it grow. After graduating at the top of his class, he was immediately hired at a stock broking agency.

Kakeru called him a nerd, but Yuki was a nerd who hadn't had to touch his Sohma funds since his first pay check. His ultimate goals of living on his own and depending on only himself were met. Yuki rested his head against the glass of the cab's window and stared out at tourist-centered Maizuru. It was beautiful, but not as heavily populated in the early spring as it was in the summer when foreign tourists came to visit the bay, museums and parks. Tohru could not have picked a better place to run a bakery. Her little shop was near the Navel Museum. Tohru used to ask Yuki for financial advice. The shop made wonderful profits, so wonderful that Yuki suggested that she consider branching out and opening another bakery.

Yuki smiled lightly. Tohru was so happy, but Tohru could be happy about anything. She really was a refreshing little flower, as Shigure often put it. He bit his lip as his eyes began to sting again. He'd cried enough in his apartment. Tohru and Kyo didn't need his tears.

The ride was smooth and uneventful. When the taxi reached Kyo and Tohru's home in the outskirts of Maizuru, Yuki had gotten himself together. His eyes were dry, but he felt like he had a big rock in his chest. He swallowed several times as the rock tried to rise.

Yuki paid the taxi driver, giving him a hefty tip after the man assisted him in getting his two suitcases out of the cab's trunk. The small garden in front of the house was beginning to show signs of life as the plants recovered from their winter break, and the lawn was well-kempt. Taking care of Tohru had not affected Kyo's ability to maintain their home. Yuki admired and inspected the tidy front porch with its fresh blue and white paint, and the clean gutters of the house. The cottage was cozy and European in appearance, not large as it only contained three bedrooms, but by no means a poor man's dwelling. Yuki passed the garage, walking to the storybook picket fence and opening it.

Yuki would never leave his gate open in Tokyo, where he lived, nor would he ever leave a key to his home lying around where anyone could get it. It must have been nice to live in such a place. He spotted an old man out walking his miniature Akita. The man waved at Yuki as he passed instead of eyeing him suspiciously for being in his neighbor's yard obviously poking around for a spare key.

Yuki found the key in the old flower pot and slipped it into the simple lock. The door came open easily and Yuki stepped inside. The house was warm and smelled of cinnamon and fresh bread. When Yuki opened a few curtains to let in some sunlight, he spied several loaves of bread cooling on the kitchen counter. He wondered who'd baked the bread. A neighbor could have brought it over, but this kitchen had the feel of a place recently used. There was a light dusting of white flour on the pale oak countertop surrounding the fresh loaves. Yuki smiled, this room had changed since he'd last seen it. It looked like Tohru had finally gotten Kyo to agree with refurbishing the kitchen. The cottage had been well-lived in before Kyo and Tohru had moved in, and all of the fixtures and wirings had been dated. Now, the kitchen was a blend of light brown and crème colored woods and glass paneled cabinets that held multicolored plates and cups as well as racks and shelves for spices and glass jars of fresh ingredients. Ceramic cats, roosters, rabbits, mice, and dogs decorated corners and spare space.

The kitchen table was a small crème colored rectangle with 6 chairs around it. The top might have had a storybook design, but Yuki couldn't tell due to the number of cook books and food magazines spread over it. There were also a few open notebooks with Kyo's scratchy handwriting and doodles on them. It looked like inventory and notes to himself.

Yuki swallowed as he saw official documents with the logo of a local hospital at the top. If he squinted, he could make out Tohru's name and Kyo's in places. There were signatures and dollar amounts. Yuki set his suitcases on the floor by the table and took off his shoes, placing them by the door.

Perhaps he could take his things to one of the guest bedrooms, but.... What if things had been moved around? Tohru was ill, had been ill for a year. Maybe there was medical equipment in the house. He pictured a bedroom full of IV poles and dressers laden with wigs and wig stands and scarves.

Oh, Tohru. Yuki didn't even know what she looked like. Was she sickly thin? Was she bald, or pale and gaunt? Would she be happy to see Yuki or would she cringe away from him, not wanting him to see her that way? His hands shook and he gripped the ridged wooden back of a kitchen chair. He didn't want to see her that way. But this wasn't about what he wanted. He took a deep breath in and let it out. It was easy to do since the house smelled so good; it smelled fresh, light and warm. If coming home had a smell, it would be this.

Yuki pulled his cell phone from his back pocket and hit speed dial for Tohru. The trip from Tokyo to Maizuru wasn't epic so Kyo should be expecting his call about then, if he truly believed Yuki had taken the first train out.

"Hello?" Yuki blinked. Kyo sounded much better than he had that morning, almost normal.

"Kyo, it's Yuki. I'm here."

"Oh—you really came." Kyo was silent for a moment and Yuki had a slight sinking sensation in his stomach. Had Kyo thought Yuki wouldn't come after he'd said Tohru was dying—after he'd cried like that?

"Of course I came, you stupid Cat. I'm in your house right now."

Kyo chuckled lightly. "All right, I'll be there in a few minutes. I'm just a few houses down dropping something off. Make yourself at home and don't mess with the bread on the counter."

Yuki waited for it.

"Damn Rat."

He smiled. "Oh, you mean the bread I already cut a slice of. It's delicious by the way. I'm going through the fridge now to look for some butter and jam."

"You better be kidding. Be right there." Kyo disconnected and Yuki smirked, teasing Kyo, no matter how old they got, was still fun.

Yuki took a seat and thumbed through a French pastry cook book. How many of these had Tohru actually made? Yuki sincerely missed her cooking almost as much as he missed sharing a home with her. He still couldn't cook, but he'd at least gotten better at preparing instant meals without burning them. Machi was pretty hopeless in the kitchen as well. His future mother-in-law was sure they'd both starve in their first year of marriage or get fat due to constant abuse of take-out menus. Yuki had even tried taking a cooking class; he'd never failed anything in his life and had dropped out before the teacher could kick him out of the pass or fail course.

His lavender eyes fell on the hospital documents and notebooks again. He stretched long fingers toward them, and froze when he heard the click of the front door opening. Keys rattled and the door closed gently. Footsteps came toward the kitchen. Yuki smiled as Kyo entered and rose to his feet. His redhead cousin was a few inches taller than him and a bit broader in the shoulders, but he was still slimly muscled and compact. With his constant workouts, Yuki figured Kyo should have beefed up like Master Kazuma, but he guessed it wasn't in his genes. Kyo's bastard of a father wasn't a thick man either, though the last time Yuki had seen him his stomach area was running to fat, a true beer gut.

Kyo's crimson eyes were tired but pleased to see Yuki. They smiled more than his mouth did beneath a shaggy layer of orange bangs. Kyo crossed the room in a few steps to wrap Yuki in a quick man-hug, where he pulled Yuki close and tight for a second, patted him on the back, then pushed him away.

"Yo. You look all, professional, Rat-face." Kyo looked him up and down and placed a hand on his back pocket with a smirk. "No need to dress up on account of us commoners."

Yuki laughed. He wore grey slacks and a light blue, button-down shirt. The look was semi-casual for him, but next to Kyo, who lived in jeans and t-shirts, Yuki supposed he always seemed formal.  "Yes, I forgot who I was coming to see, sorry."

He reached out to tug at the ponytail Kyo was sporting. The thick red tail curled at the base of his neck, strands of it escaping and framing his jaw line. The look worked for him, but it would take a little while to get used to a Kyo with a ponytail. "Are you copying Master Kazuma?"

Kyo shrugged, fingering his hair. "Ah... well, actually." Kyo shifted from foot to foot, looking uncomfortable. His eyes were brighter when they met Yuki's. "Some of the medicine made Tohru's hair fall out. She cut it short when it first started coming out. You know how she loves to wear her hair long. So, she said one of us has to have long hair; it's the only way our couple-look works, you know? And since she didn't know when... well, when she'd be able to start growing hers again, I can't cut mine."

Kyo cleared his throat and moved to the cabinets, pulling down large Tupperware containers. He set them beside the bread and went to wash his hands. As he lathered the soap on his hands into a soft green foam, he spoke, "I'm going to the hospital after I take the bread to The Rice Ball.  Do you want to come?"

To the hospital—to see a short-haired Tohru.

Yuki ran a hand through his ash-colored locks and nodded. He'd come to be with Tohru, and not to see her now would be a sign of cowardice. Kyo dealt with it every day and Kyo was not stronger than Yuki, no matter how much he argued that he was. Yuki looked back at his suitcases, then at Kyo who was wrapping bread in colorful plastic wrap with smiley faces on it—Tohru must have picked that out—and putting them into the Tupperware.

"Um... So, who made the bread?"

Kyo shot a look at Yuki through his bangs. "There's nobody here but you and me, Rat, and last time I checked you can burn water. Who do you think made it?"

Yuki stared. " _You_  bake bread? You  _bake_?"

Kyo rolled his eyes. "Don't start labeling me as a housewife or an apron-wearing girly man or anything dumb like that. I don't even wear an apron; I just get my clothes all dirty." For the first time, Yuki noticed the flour on Kyo's t-shirt and on the thighs of his jeans. "It's Tohru's thing, for The Rice Ball. She always wants to add new stuff to the menu, and she's been studying different cuisines. She makes new stuff and tries it out on the neighbors and takes a few samples to the bakery to let people taste it on Wednesday mornings. She calls it Experimental Wednesday. She likes to be consistent; you know how she is, always thinking the world's depending on her. So, when she can't make her experiments, she picks out what she'd like to try and I do it." Kyo shrugged. "It's important to her, and I don't mind it. It's kind of relaxing."

Kyo's voice was soft, his fingers diligent and skillful as he sealed the bread boxes, as if he were handling precious goods, Tohru's goods. How many mornings did Kyo spend alone in this kitchen baking goods for Tohru's bakery? How much time did he spend alone period? Yuki would have figured that Kyo would spend the majority of his time at the hospital, but the house and yard maintenance and regular baking said otherwise.

Tohru would insist on Kyo not sticking around the hospital all time, wouldn't she? How often was she alone, too, then?  _Tohru, you should have let your friends help you. Kyo, you should have called sooner_.

"Kyo?"

"Hm?" Kyo slid the baked goods into a cloth grocery bag and tossed the strap over his shoulder.

"When were you guys ever going to tell anyone what was going on---I mean, after you found out that she—she's not going to get better?" Had they planned on anyone but Kyo getting to say goodbye? The sting of tears building behind his eyes made his vision blurry. It wasn't fair; what they'd done was terrible. It made Yuki hurt inside for not noticing something was wrong on his own. He was terrible.

Kyo didn't meet his eyes. He shuffled to where Yuki stood, a muscle near his mouth twitching. "We were... she wanted to wait until she was home and situated. She's on meds right now, and they make her a little loopy. She told the docs that she doesn't want to die half aware of what's going on around her. She wanted you guys to come when she was off the drugs and clear-headed, more Tohru, I guess. That's—well, that's how she put it."

Yuki frowned. "Loopy?"

"We've been through surgeries, radiation and chemo, Yuki. She's—she's hurting and so sick all the time. Some days, some days she doesn't even know I'm there. She doesn't want anyone seeing her like that. If she had her way, she would probably send me away, too. Stupid woman."

Kyo's posture was stooped, all vitality seeming to leave him as he spoke. He never looked up at Yuki who stood inches from him. Yuki couldn't believe his tough cousin was shrinking before his eyes. Kyo was one to let things sit inside and fester until he exploded, but he couldn't explode while Tohru needed him—at least not in front of Tohru.

"This morning---this morning was a bad morning. I...." Kyo wrung his hands together, still looking at his feet. "It was just a really bad morning."

Yuki swallowed convulsively.  _Do not cry Yuki Sohma_. He reached out and touched Kyo's shoulder, squeezing it tight. "You were right to call."

Sometimes Yuki marveled at himself and how much he had changed from how he had been in grade school. It used to be so hard to relate to people and offer them comfort. While he was still no social butterfly, he had friends from university and a few work buddies he went out with on occasion. He even entertained on weekends when Machi came to spend extended time with him.

"I don't know how Tohru will feel about this. You know she'd never say anything if she's upset. I don't want to upset her." Kyo suddenly set his bread bag down and sat hard in the chair Yuki had vacated. "She doesn't need me stressing her out on top of everything." He rubbed his eyes; the white gold wedding band on his finger caught Yuki's eye. It was simple and pure as was Tohru's, a symbol of their relationship—it was beautiful and unspoiled by flashy diamonds and intricate designs. It was what it was.

Yuki wondered if people would say that about his and Machi's relationship. Ayame always told him that Machi was a gem, but had always thought Yuki would have been the one to marry Tohru. He had moaned and sighed about having to redesign the wedding with Machi at its center instead of Tohru, but oh, it would be grand. Yuki hoped Machi wouldn't mind eloping abroad, because he feared Ayame might have them both in white wedding gowns at the altar.

Yuki sat in the chair across from Kyo, turning it so that one of his knees touched Kyo's. "No, maybe she doesn't, but she also doesn't need you collapsing on her because you're dealing with too much alone. She's got you to lean on, but who have you got?"

Had Tohru thought about that? Not that Yuki was angry at her. How could anyone ever be angry at Tohru---but what about Kyo?

Kyo shrugged, his eyes finally coming up to meet Yuki's. They were still bright, and wetness leaked from them. "Her doctor gave her a month. She said---she said we could try more treatments, experimental ones, but... Tohru would be like a damn guinea pig, Yuki. They don't know if any of that stuff will work, and it would probably just end up eating her up, and she's so small already. I don't want her to give up, but if it means she doesn't have to hurt anymore, then...." Kyo covered his eyes. "It's her choice."

Yuki sat in silence as Kyo's shoulders trembled, keeping his knee pressed against his cousin's.

"I guess we'd better go, or I'll be late. I usually get there after she's had breakfast and bring her whatever it is we decided I should make, whether it turned out good or bad."

Yuki tried to smile; it was wobbly and faded after a second. "You've had cooking disasters?"

Kyo chuckled weakly. "Have you ever tried working with yeast? It's like a living Play-Doh monster. I thought the oven was gonna blow up."

Yuki saw an image of Kyo covered in bread dough and battling a growing loaf coming out of a flaming oven with a spatula and a rolling pin. He laughed out loud. "I wish you'd made a video of that. I'd put it on YouTube."

Kyo slugged his shoulder half-heartedly. "Damn Rat."

"Stupid Cat."

They sat for a moment, watching each other. Kyo's eyes were dry and he rubbed all traces of tears off his cheeks with a fist. "We'd uh...better go. Hey, this will be your first time visiting The Rice Ball since Tohru took over and renamed it, huh? It's kinda girly, but pretty neat once you get past the curtains and table cloths. We set up some internet terminals in back and got Wi-Fi, so we get a lot of students."

Kyo rose with his bread and jerked his head toward the door. "Come on, unless you're scared of my driving."

"I am scared, but what can I do if you're my only ride," Yuki said with a shrug. He patted his back pocket to be sure that he had his wallet and followed Kyo through the back door.

* * *

 

 

Cole, Nat King. "Smile." _The Very Best of Nat King Cole_. Capitol, 2006. CD.


	3. Because I'm Living a Life Full of You

Tohru's bakery was so very cute. There was no manlier word to describe it. It was all gauzy white and yellow curtains and egg-shaped tables and chairs. When Kyo entered swinging his cloth bag, the chimes over the door sang and several workers behind the counter looked up. It was barely 9:00 am, and patrons were scattered around individual tables sipping on coffee and nibbling hot pastries.

"Mr. Sohma, you're late!" A college-aged girl with glasses and a dark layered bob marched up to them, taking the cloth bag. "Did you burn something again?"

Kyo scowled at her. "For your information, Smart Mouth, I didn't. I was being neighborly and hospitable to guests."

The girl covered her mouth with one hand and her eyes grew large as she took in Yuki standing behind Kyo. A pink flush stained her cheeks. "Oh, er... I see.... Ah...."

"This is my cousin, Yuki Sohma. Yuki, that's Megumi."

Megumi squeaked a greeting, still gaping at Yuki. The bread bag dangled in her slack grip and Kyo rolled his eyes. "Well? Ain't you gonna serve that stuff? I didn't spend all morning making it for nobody to eat it."

"Oh—oh yes, sure." Megumi almost ran behind the counter and disappeared through the employee door to the kitchen area of the bakery.

Yuki sighed, then gazed around at the paintings and photographs of sunflowers, daisies and country sides in the summer. Bright and airy, coming here could make Hatori, the gloomiest looking man ever, smile. Pop music played overhead; some girl group was singing about love letters and candy. A large flat screen TV mounted in the back wall showed the news with sports scores scrolling beneath it.

Two more employees in plain yellow aprons ambled over, one a girl as tall as Yuki with long black pigtails, and another a guy with spiky brown hair and an earring. They looked to be around Megumi's age.

"Morning Sensei," the guy said with a slight bow. The girl grinned and smacked the boy over the head.

"Hey Ryu; Sayu." Kyo half turned to Yuki and gestured. "This is my cousin, Yuki. Yuki, twins and students of mine, Ryu and Sayu. Sayu's got one of the best high kicks I've ever seen. And Ryu... needs some work."

Ryu deflated as his twin sister cackled.

"My brother is the clumsiest person in the world," Sayu said. "So, what'd you bake for us today, Sensei? That flourless chocolate thing you made last week was out of this world."

Yuki raised a brow, impressed.

Kyo blushed and ruffled his hair. "Ah, well... nothing like that, just some bread. It's okay. Nothing like Tohru could make, though."

Sayu and her brother immediately sobered.

"How's she doing?" Ryu asked.

Kyo smiled. "She's hanging in there. I'll tell her you asked about her. Uh... you guys have class tonight, right?"

"Yessir," Ryu said. "Are you... Are you going to be there?"

Kyo looked so guilty Yuki wanted to squeeze his shoulder again. "Not tonight. Tetsu's got it handled though. He's doing all right with teaching classes, huh?"

"Yeah, but he's not you, sir," Ryu said. Sayu smacked him again and glared, then smiled at Kyo.

"We totally understand why you can't lead classes, though," Sayu said. "Ignore the dumbass."

Kyo smirked. "I always do."

"Hey!"

It was strange to see these college kids giving such deference to Kyo when he really wasn't much older than they themselves.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Yuki." Sayu bowed to him. "I'll go see if I can help Meg with that bread. I think she's hiding from you. Cute guys make her nervous. She used to hide from Sensei at first, too, until she saw him fighting some yeast."

"Living Play Doh monster," Kyo muttered.

Sayu wiggled her fingers and headed toward the kitchen, leaving Kyo, Ryu and Yuki alone. Kyo moved to a table for four and sat down. Yuki joined him and Ryu moved to wipe off a table a patron had vacated.

"This place is nice," Yuki commented. "If it had been near my school, I would have held study groups here."

Kyo smiled. "Yeah?" He looked like a proud father. "It's really come along. I spend more time here than the dojo nowadays."

"Oh?" Yuki imagined he wouldn't have much time for the dojo. "How is the dojo getting along?"

"Fine." Kyo looked toward a large, picture window. "I've got great assistants. They make sure things run okay when I'm not there. Enrollment's up a bit, got a few new students, total beginners. I only work with the advanced classes now, when I can. Parent-teacher conferences with the little ones are a joke, because the parents think I'm one of the kids playing a prank. I definitely had to start letting my assistants take those over, even when I  _am_  there."

Giggling signaled the coming of Sayu and Megumi to the tables holding trays of sliced bread and napkins. They went about setting napkins with sliced bread samples down in front of patrons.

"Hey, bring a piece over here. Yuki hasn't had any yet." Kyo eyed Yuki. "What do you say; you brave enough to try it?"

Yuki hummed. "Well, you did give some to the neighbors and I didn't see any ambulances rushing toward their houses, so I'll try some."

"Funny," Kyo snorted. Megumi set a napkin and bread down in front of Yuki with shaky hands. Yuki gazed down at the bread; its edges were a golden brown, crusted with honey and crushed nuts. Its center was a powdery white with small swirls of brown spice in the center.

"Kyo... you did this?" Yuki was amazed. It was artistry. "Are you certain it didn't come from a box?"

Kyo growled. "Don't insult me, Rat. Now taste it."

Yuki blinked at his cousin, almost not wanting to eat the bread before he took a picture of how store-bought it looked. He wanted to send out a  _FWD: Kyo BAKES_  with multiple pictures taken from different angles of this bread. Yuki lifted the bread and took a small bite. It was soft and moist, melting on his tongue; the taste was rich, buttery and sweet. Honey, cinnamon, pecan and caramel tickled his palate.

"Kyo... you  _did_  this?" Yuki demanded. He devoured the rest of his slice and looked to the diminishing samples of the bread floating around on the trays to greedy patrons asking for seconds and thirds.

Kyo blushed. "Yeah. It wasn't as hard as some of the other stuff I've made."

Kyo was baking Yuki's wedding cake. Kyo was baking Yuki's everything. Yuki sucked a bit of honeyed pecan off his finger. "You're a genius."

"Tohru's a genius. She's the one who found the recipe; she finds all the recipes and decides which ones will go over best," Kyo said; he smiled gently. The sample trays were empty and Megumi and Sayu were disappearing in back again. "Guess this one's gonna make the menu."

Yuki frowned.

"If the stuff we experiment with on Wednesday goes over well, we add it to the menu once a week. If it keeps doing good, meaning that by the end of the day all of it's gone, we put it on the menu all the time."

"Oh?" Yuki was intrigued and surprised Kyo was so into this. It wasn't really like him, but then again, did Yuki really know what was like Kyo? He'd grown closer to Kyo over the years, but he'd never claim to know him like he knew Kakeru or Machi.

"Another one of Tohru's ideas. She's a smart lil' rice ball," Kyo said. Heavy eyes stared out of the window again. "Can't wait to tell her how well this one went over. She's never gonna believe you, Prince Rat, licked your fingers."

"Prince Rat?"

Kyo chuckled. "Don't like it? Rat King?"

Yuki balled up his napkin and threw it at Kyo. "You'll never grow up."

Kyo shook his head. "Maybe; maybe not." He set his elbows on the table, studying Yuki for so long it made him uncomfortable.

"Um...what?" Yuki asked. Did he have something on his face? Kyo watched him like a cat watching a pendulum swing, with seemingly endless curiosity.

"You." Kyo traced an imaginary circle on the table with his index finger. "I guess I'm still a little shocked that you took off work and came all this way. But then again, maybe I'm not because it's for her, you know. But..."

Yuki blinked, hurt flashing in his chest as it had when Kyo had sounded surprised that he was in his house earlier. He was either going to have a heart attack or another asthma attack with all the jabs Kyo was throwing. "Kyo...I came for Tohru, and I came for you. You scared me."

Kyo's burned red, hiding behind his large hands. "Sorry."

"No," Yuki said. "It's okay. I mean, I guess I understand why you might think I would have only come for Tohru. Everything we do together has been through or about her, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, it has. Weddings, graduation parties, opening ceremonies. Have we ever just gone out to get a beer?"

"Not without Tohru," Yuki said. "And remember how she got drunk off of one sip of sake and you had to carry her home?"

"I remember how she threw up on you."

Yuki laughed. "I'd blocked that from my memory."

"Only because you nearly threw up, too!" Yuki looked over to find Kyo grinning at him. "I felt like I was out with two girls that night."

"Hey, I've never dealt well with vomit," Yuki said. "I have a note."

Kyo snorted. "You probably wrote it yourself and forged a signature." He smiled wistfully. "On goods days, I don't have to deal with vomit. I didn't really deal too well with it either, but I got over it."

Kyo rested his chin in his hands, seeming distracted. He watched patrons gobbling up his bread and chatting to other patrons across tables.

Yuki matched Kyo's pose. "What's a typical day like for Tohru?"

The muscle near Kyo's mouth twitched. "Every day's different. Sometimes, she's got a lot of energy and she's all smiles. She wants to go home, she wants to bake, she wants to come here or go see my students get bossed around. She begs me to take her on weekend trips to eat at other bakeries and restaurants. We went to Russia once. All she made for days is  _medovie_ ; it's a honey layer cake. I hate that stuff now, but I'd never tell her."

"On okay days, she smiles, but you can tell it hurts. She presses the morphine pump button more, and she sleeps a lot. She asks me to sing to her all the time. She still wants to go home, but she's too sick. On bad days...." Kyo cleared his throat. "On bad days, she sleeps and when she wakes up, it's like she's still asleep. She doesn't see me or hear me, and she only wants morphine. The doctors poke and prod her, taking her to different testing sessions and she won't let me come with her to the ones that I'm allowed to go to. I sit in her room, waiting. They wheel her back in and she's either unconscious or curled in a tiny little ball, sobbing."

Kyo shut his eyes. "When---when you see her... she's.... She's so small and fragile. Her eyes don't sparkle as much and you can see her ribs. And..." Kyo looked to the window again, avoiding Yuki's concerned gaze. "She's had a dual mastectomy. She hates for anyone to look at her there. Please don't stare. She thinks she's less of a woman. She's told me before that she was afraid I was disgusted by her. How could she ever think that, Yuki?

Yuki felt wetness creeping down one cheek as his heart ached. "Oh."

"She had a bad day yesterday, Yuki. She had a bad night; the doctor said she was gonna die---and I had to go home, alone."

_And you had a bad morning_ , Yuki finished for him.

Kyo stared out of the window, as if the answer to everything was going to fall onto the semi-busy sidewalk. "I don't think that I could go into that place and walk all the way to her room... and see her..." his voice cracked. "And smile, at least not by myself."

Red eyes finally came to rest on Yuki. "If I didn't say it before, thanks for coming, man."

Yuki kicked Kyo under the table. "You're welcome."

Kyo took a deep breath; then began patting his pockets for his keys. He placed them on the table and glanced at his watch. "We're really late, and I still need to figure out how to tell her you're here."

"You can let me tell her," Yuki said.

"Not... not if she's having a bad day, Rat. I gotta do this," Kyo said, tilting his head so that it rested atop the back of the chair. "I've never gone against what she's wanted, not while she's been sick. Let her be mad at me, not you."

Yuki was too busy watching Kyo to notice Sayu's approach. She set Kyo's cloth bag on the table, and Yuki heard the clunk of Tupperware inside. "Here you go, Sensei and Sensei's cousin. One container's all clean and the second has enough bread left for three sandwiches."

"Thanks, Sayu." Kyo pulled the cloth bag to him, stroking it absently like a pet.

"Tell Miss Tohru to have a great day." Sayu smiled and backed away from the table, waving at Yuki in parting.

"Did Tohru hire the staff?" Yuki asked.

"Is it that obvious?" Kyo rolled his eyes. "Let's get out of here. Too many optimists in one place kinda make me itch." Kyo stood all in one motion and pushed his chair under the table. He gathered his keys and the bag and started for the door. He raised a single hand in the air, waving at the room in general but not pausing or looking over his shoulder at anyone.

To Yuki's surprise, the patrons called out "Goodbye Kyo-kun!"'s as if they were dear friends in such nonchalant tones that it seemed routine. Yuki followed Kyo out of the French style wooden doors onto the sidewalk. Kyo whistled as he walked to the small parking lot behind the building to locate his small green sedan.

Their next trip would be to the hospital and Yuki suddenly realized. "Kyo."

"Hm?"

"I don't have a gift!"

* * *

 

~*~

The hospital wasn't any different from any other hospital Yuki had been inside. The halls and floors were the same sterile white, the air smelled the same stale and recycled and the fluorescent lighting overhead made everyone look the same sallow. Did it ever occur to anyone that hospitals made people sick? They certainly churned Yuki's stomach every time he set foot in one.

Kyo led him to an elevator and they took it to the sixth floor.

"Are we going to the Oncology ward?" Yuki asked. Kyo shook his head.

"No, she's not there anymore."

"Oh?" Yuki frowned. Where else would a cancer patient—would Tohru, a cancer patient—be kept?

"They moved her to Hospice Care last night." Kyo sighed, running a hand through his hair and pulling more strands from his ponytail free to fall around his face. "I've got so much paperwork to do. She doesn't want a hospital bed or morphine or a home care nurse. You'd think it would be easier if you just said: we're leaving. But no, the hospital has to make sure they can't get sued for not informing us of every little thing that could happen if we don't do this or that."

"Then there's the house and groceries, and the garden. Rabbits got into it. I was supposed to paint the bedroom, and I need to put rails in the bathroom." In the elevator light, which wasn't much better than the fluorescents in the hallways, Kyo was pale. He stood in a back corner as if trying to let the wall absorb him with a hand on his stomach, breathing shallowly and watching the glowing numbers overhead as the elevator slowly climbed.

Yuki pressed the stop button, frowning at Kyo. "Hey. Are you okay?"

Kyo nodded. "I'm fine, just thinking." He scrubbed at his eyes. He took a step forward to start the elevator again, but Yuki covered the buttons with his hand.

"You don't look well all of a sudden. What's wrong?"

"N-nothing. Just tired, I think. I haven't been getting much sleep. I keep waking up thinking that she needs me, but she won't let me stay here with her," Kyo said. "Yuki—will you do the garden stuff? You like digging in dirt, right? You can do that."

"Of course," Yuki said; he patted Kyo's shoulder. "I can help you paint the bedroom, too, and we can hire someone to put in rails. I can also help with the paperwork. Hey." Yuki waited until Kyo met his gaze. "I'm here to help, remember?"

Kyo nodded, and a little color returned to his face. "Yeah."

"Ready?" Yuki waited for another nod from Kyo before pressing the 6 button. The elevator began to travel up again. "Has that happened to you before?"

"What?" Kyo's eyes were closed as he leaned back against the wall, hands on the wooden rail behind him.

"I think you were about to have a panic attack. Has it happened before?"

Kyo was quiet as the elevator chimed and the doors opened to let them out into a small foyer. "This morning. The battle with the Play Doh monster really helped. I feel better when I'm doing something."

Yuki let Kyo take the lead as they walked down the quiet hallway. A few nurses in light blue scrubs were out, carrying clipboards or pushing carts with clear cups full of colorful capsules and liquids.

"Kyo, you might need to talk to someone about it, if you're having anxiety attacks."

"I'm talking to you, ain't I?" Kyo asked. He stopped in front of a door that was slightly ajar. He leaned forward, listening. "She's awake."

Yuki's heart skipped a beat. Tohru was in this room. He was about to see her for the first time in a year, a short-haired, thin, sickly Tohru with no breasts and maybe no smile.

"Let me... say good morning and make sure she's having a good day before you come in, okay?" Kyo knocked lightly on the door. "Tohru?"

There was a faint sound from within and Kyo pushed the door open a bit further and slipped inside. "Hey, Rice Ball. How are ya feeling?"

Yuki couldn't make out Tohru's reply, but he recognized the sweet cadence of her voice.

"That's what they're giving you for breakfast in this heap? Good thing we're going home soon, huh? Hey, I made it this morning, and the yeast didn't win."

Yuki heard soft cheering from Tohru.

"The customers seemed to really like it, too. What do you think? Ha ha, that good huh? Nah, nah I didn't taste it. Hey, babe, that's not something for you to worry about. Where'd this one come from? I like it."

Yuki wanted to peer inside. Kyo's voice was so animated and Tohru sounded content.

"Rice Ball, I've uh... got something to tell you. No, I'm okay. I promise. But uh... someone's here to see you. Shh...baby, I know, but it isn't right to keep them all away. We need somebody. Shh... I'm going to tell him to come in now, all right?"

Yuki's heart continued to skip beats, the palpitations making him gasp ever so often. The door was pushed open wide and Kyo was there, asking him to come in. Yuki shakily entered the small room. The windows were all open, fresh air and sunlight giving the emotionless white room some cheer. A standard-sized hospital bed with no machines around it sat in the center of the room, empty, but on a window seat surrounded by pillows and draped in a blue and yellow afghan sat Tohru. Even through the folds of the knitted throw blanket, Yuki could tell how thin she was, but the fabric hid anything distinctive, such as a lack of swells in her bosom area. Her cheeks were a bit hollow but flushed with color and her large eyes were expressive. They smiled at him.

"Yuki-kun."

Yuki blinked at her, taking in the purple and blue scarf wrapped around her head, like a silken cap, light brown hair that hair hung past her ears streamed from under it. The sunlight hit her and Yuki was able to smile back.

Beautiful, even ill, she was still beautiful.

"Hello, Tohru," Yuki said softly. He came to stand in front of her, and remained still as she reached out to hug him. He wrapped his arms around her, biting back tears at how little there was of her to hug.

"I'm glad you came, Yuki-kun," Tohru said, her voice was the same as he remembered, not scratchy or sickly.

"I'm glad too," Yuki said, choosing not to criticize her for not telling him or anyone else what was going on. Tohru did things because, in her heart, she felt they were right and would hurt the least amount of people close to her. She never meant any harm.

"Will you be staying long, Yuki-kun?" Tohru asked. She patted the space beside her and Yuki sat willingly.

"I plan to stay for as long as I'm welcome. Kyo and I have some business we need to work through at your house, and I need to see that he's not massacring your garden."

"Oi, Rat. That garden's just fine," Kyo grumbled. He came to the window seat, casually lifting Tohru and sitting again with her in his lap.

Tohru giggled and kissed his closed lips twice before they deepened the kiss, parting their lips. Kyo pulled back slowly, licking his lips. "You're right. That bread was kind of good. Let me have some more...."

"Kyo, Yuki's watching us... oh Kyo..." Tohru laughed as Kyo hugged her and pressed his cheek against hers. "Your hair's all loose and you smell like cinnamon. Yum."

"Tohru, Yuki's watching," Kyo said in a perfect imitation of Tohru's earlier protest. Tohru pinched him and they laughed and touched foreheads, staring at each other.

Yuki grinned at the two. He remembered, in high school, at one point their utter cuteness had made him sick. Now, it warmed him more than the sun outside on his back. That was love. He hoped he had that with Machi. He felt very strongly about her, but did they ever just stare at each other like that?

"Kyo, do you think we could go for a walk today, you, and me and Yuki-kun, too? I feel strong and I want to go outside."

"Whatever you want to do, Rice Ball, you know that."

"I do." Her small hand touched his cheek and held it and Kyo's jaw trembled. Yuki frowned as the tears started.

"What's the use in crying, Kyo? Remember? Smile, for me."

"Right." Kyo closed his eyes and bowed his head. Yuki turned away from the scene and stood up so quickly Tohru started. She turned in Kyo's arms to stare at Yuki with her glistening Bambi-like eyes. She was crying with Kyo.

How could they stand it without just breaking down and screaming and howling about how unfair this was? Tohru, little and perfect, probably one of the world's best people, was going to be gone in a month, and she was going to leave Kyo—and Yuki behind. Yuki would move on eventually, but what would be left for Kyo?

What if Machi were dying, what would Yuki do, how would he take it?

He would scream and make her fight. He wouldn't submit, so why was Kyo? He should push for the experimental treatment. He should make Tohru stay in the hospital....

But he wasn't going to because Tohru didn't want it, because Tohru owned a part of his soul, and it made him sick to hurt her. Yuki stood, shaking as Tohru and now his cousin watched him, identical expressions of concern on their faces.

"Yuki-kun?" Tohru asked.

"How can you stand it?" Yuki whispered. "I'd be a useless heap by now. How can you just die---on him, on me?"

They stared at him, Kyo rubbing Tohru's tiny shoulders through the afghan.

Tohru's smile was sad. "It's not my choice, Yuki, but if there's nothing we can do about it, then we're going to do all we can to enjoy it. A useless heap can't have much fun, and isn't much fun to be around. I wouldn't want to be remembered that way, and I wouldn't want to remember Kyo like that either. We're going to have the best time ever, all of us, now that you're here Yuki. I want my life to be full before I go." She tilted her head back to kiss Kyo's jaw and waited until his eyes locked onto hers. "Full of you. I want to be the happiest spirit ever. No ghosting for me."

Kyo chuckled, his breath stirring the loosening ties of her scarf. "Silly Rice Ball."

"Mm."

Yuki wiped tears away with the pads of his thumb watching the two. Sitting there they both looked small, and very young. They were only 23; they were very young, all of them.

"Excuse me."

Yuki left the room quickly, not stopping as Kyo and Tohru called after him.

* * *

 

Kelly, Gene. "Singin' in the Rain."  _Singin'in the Rain_. Rhino/Wea, 1952. CD.


	4. When You're in Sorrow

Yuki ended up in the men's room, splashing cold water on his face. He looked into the mirror and his own sorry reflection gazed back at him. His bangs were wet and droplets of water dotted his forehead and cheeks and dribbled from his chin back into the white, porcelain sink bowl. His eyes were swollen and red. He splashed more water from the running tap into them and blinked rapidly as they burned.

He didn't want to be here. He couldn't be here. Who was he fooling? He wasn't the person people came to for comfort and support. Yuki still kind of needed that himself. He shouldn't have come alone. He should have called Ayame or Hatsuharu and told them what was happening and begged them to come with him. Ayame could be quite normal when he wanted or needed to be and Hatsuharu always seemed to know what people needed most. He was more observant than most gave him credit for.

Yuki could call them now, but what would Tohru and Kyo think of him. Tohru wanted to wait until she was out of the hospital and comfortable at home, before she called in friends. Kyo had disrespected her in calling Yuki, but... Yuki bowed his head, shivering as cold water dribbled down his collar and ran onto his chest... Kyo had needed him, did need him. And here Yuki was running away. Why hadn't Kyo called Master Kazuma?

Yuki paused for a moment and then shut off the faucet. Why  _hadn't_ Kyo called Master Kazuma? Master Kazuma knew how to take care of people, especially Kyo. Maybe it was because Kyo had used Tohru's phone. Yuki's number was programmed into it, and maybe Master Kazuma's wasn't. Or maybe of all the people Kyo could have called, Tohru would mind Yuki being there the least.

He gripped the cool sides of the sink. Whatever the reason, Yuki was here and not someone else, and he didn't want Tohru remembering him as a useless heap either. He pushed away from the sink and washed his hands, this time using paper towels to turn off the faucets. There was truly no point in washing your hands if you were going to touch everything in the bathroom with them afterward, according to Machi who could be extremely obsessive compulsive about certain things--though her apartment was a sty. However, Yuki really couldn't say too much in that regard, since he had a maid come in once a week to clean up after him.

He left the bathroom and traced his way back to Tohru's room. He knocked before entering and stepped in to find a male nurse taking Tohru's temperature and blood pressure. Kyo lay on his back on the window seat tossing a circular pillow into the air and catching it.

"Yuki-kun! Are you all right?" Tohru asked as soon as she spotted him.

The nurse started in surprise. "Miss Tohru, is this a friend of yours?"

"Yes, a dear friend, and Kyo's cousin," Tohru said. "He just came in by train this morning to surprise us."

"That's wonderful." The nurse looked to be about late-twenties, early thirties, with short black hair and glasses. He scribbled information onto a chart and turned to beam openly at Yuki. "I'm glad to see a new face with these guys. I was starting to think they were married hermits."

_Married hermits_? Well, that was an oxymoron if Yuki had ever heard one.

"Ichiru here followed us from Oncology. Since we're not gonna be here long, he'd like to stay with us until it's time to see us off," Kyo said.

"It's not orthodox, but Miss Tohru's such a sweetheart that no one here wants to ignore her requests." Nurse Ichiru smiled fondly at Tohru and petted her head.

Yuki regarded the nurse warmly. He seemed very caring toward his patients, or perhaps he, like everyone else who was exposed to Tohru, had a soft spot for her.

"It's nice to meet you Nurse Ichiru."

The young man grimaced. "Please, just call me Ichiru."

Yuki bowed slightly. "My apologies, Ichiru. Thank you for taking such good care of Tohru." Yuki came to the side of the bed not occupied by Ichiru and took Tohru's free hand. "I'm sorry about earlier Tohru."

"It's all right, Yuki-kun," Tohru said. "It's not easy being here for anyone, and this is only your first time. But..." her eyes were grave, though she smiled, "I cannot promise you it gets easier."

Yuki's stomach twisted. He didn't think it would when you knew the person wasn't going to be healed. Yuki pressed his lips to her hand, and Tohru giggled. "You're still Prince Yuki after all this time."

"Eh, he doesn't like being called Prince Rat," Kyo said.

"Who would like to be called that?" Ichiru placed his hands on his hips after finishing with Tohru and setting his instruments down on Tohru's night table. He raised a brow at Kyo's position. "Honestly, Mr. Kyo, you're like a great big cat. You can sprawl out and get comfortable anywhere. I bet you take naps during the day."

"And I drink milk from the carton," Kyo said.

Yuki chuckled under his breath. It was funny. Though the animal spirits had left all of the members of the Zodiac, some of them still retained certain characteristics. Kagura was still quick to charge into things head first, Rin was still stubborn; Momiji was still energetic.

"He purrs if you scratch him behind the ears," Tohru said.

Ichiru laughed and looked over at the TV tray sitting beside the bed. The Tupperware sat on top of the cloth bag it had rode in. "Ooh, that's right. It's Experimental Wednesday, isn't it? What did you bring me, Mr. Kyo?"

"Some cinnamon bread; help yourself. In fact, just take it home with you and share it with your wife. There's not that much left."

"Oh, you sure?" Ichiru looked excited. He must have had another of Kyo's cooking projects. Yuki was slightly jealous. He was curious about the flourless chocolate cake Sayu had mentioned. Had Ichiru gotten to taste it?

"If this is as good as those raspberry tarts that one time, my wife is gonna flip." Ichiru picked up the Tupperware. "I wish your bakery hours were a bit longer, Miss Tohru, so my wife and I could go."

Tohru smiled. "Well, 7:00 - 5:30 are the peak hours for the square at this time of year. Our hours are a bit longer in the summer and we get permission to set up a few tables outside on the sidewalk."

"You think we should serve that peach, strawberry lemonade again this summer, Rice Ball? That went over really well. We had some people trying to order it last week. I think they were from Osaka. I forgot why they were here this time, but they didn't know the lemonade was seasonal. I felt kinda bad."

"Oh, Kyo, why didn't you just make them some, then?" Tohru asked.

"Number 1, if I made them some, I would have to make everybody some. Number 2, we didn't have the ingredients for it. Number 3, I hate making that stuff; I get too sticky."

"You really should wear an apron, Baby," Tohru said with a laugh.

"Mr. Kyo's too manly for an apron," Ichiru said. "Maybe you should just have clothes designated as 'cook-wear'."

Tohru giggled and Ichiru beamed, pleased with himself. Yuki found himself laughing at the camaraderie between the health care professional, his cousin and cousin-in-law.

"Well, you may not be able to come to the bakery, but you and your wife will have to come over for dinner next week, Ichiru-kun. We have to keep in touch."

Kyo didn't catch the pillow this time, letting it hit him in the face. He laid still. Yuki frowned as Ichiru touched Tohru's arm. "I'll make sure you have my number, and I will expect for you to call me, all right?" There was a slight waver in Ichiru's voice and Yuki blinked at him. Weren't nurses supposed to be used to this? They weren't supposed to be affected by their patients; but who couldn't be affected by Tohru, the girl who'd made even Akito see reason.

"I will. And I'll make sure to make all of the things you enjoyed most, and Kyo will make peach, strawberry lemonade."

Kyo grunted beneath the pillow.

"I'll set the table," Yuki volunteered, feeling left out if both Kyo and Tohru were preparing the meal.

Tohru blinked and looked at Yuki; Kyo slid the pillow off his face.

"How long are you planning to stay again, Rat?" Kyo asked. His tone was neutral, but there was an undertone that Yuki couldn't decipher. Was it hope?

Maybe the question was: how long did Kyo want Yuki to stay?

"Until you put me out, remember?" Yuki was going to have to call his boss. The excuse he'd given for taking off was an illness in the family. He wondered if he'd be granted an extended leave, if he fully explained the situation. He didn't want to have to find a new job, but he would if he had to. He wasn't going to abandon Tohru and Kyo.

"Oi, Tohru. I think he's using us for food. You know he lives on take-out." Kyo smirked in Yuki's direction, but Yuki read the "Thank you" in his eyes. He nodded at the red head and squeezed Tohru's hand.

"Well, I do miss your cooking, Tohru."

"And I miss cooking for you, Yuki-kun." Tohru kissed his cheek.

The next time Yuki excused himself, it was to call his boss.

* * *

 

 

Spears, Britney. "I Will Be There."  _...Baby One More Time_. Jive, 1999. CD.


	5. "I'll Do Anything You Ever Dreamed to be Complete"

Painting while making sure the neighbors didn't tear down the bathroom walls trying to install handrails was a Herculean task. Yuki cringed every time he heard a loud crash and "Forgive me."

Spattered in light blue paint, Yuki examined his work. Tohru and Kyo's moderately sized master bedroom had successfully gone from a sunny yellow to a summer sky blue. For never having painted anything aside from a popsicle castle in 2nd grade, he'd done pretty well, though he was very glad all of the furniture had been removed from the room or covered. He was also glad for the plastic sheets over the wooden floor. Liberal amounts of blue paint beneath areas Yuki hadn't been able to get quite right until going over them a few times pooled on the plastic. The sliding screen window-doors were open to let in fresh air, and Yuki inhaled the salty scent of the water nearby. Birds chirped and the wind whipped lightly through the short trees and bushes in the backyard.

Yuki watched Kyo and one of his students putting light red rocks around the dark dirt of Tohru's garden. Short sticks were staked into the ground, marking the places where tomatoes and carrots would grow. After a nap, Yuki would go out and take a look at what could be done there, and see if the soil was good enough for strawberries. Tohru would like that. She'd liked it when he'd planted strawberries for her before.

But would she be there to see actual fruit when it came time?

Yuki shook his head and studied his paint dirtied hands. No, he wouldn't think like that. Tohru and Kyo did enough of that for him. They chatted about funeral plans and wills and things Kyo would have to do on his own in the future so casually. Yuki's second day of visiting Tohru in the hospital had gone much better than the first. He didn't run from the room, but Kyo and Tohru discussing cremation or burial, and what charity to give Tohru's clothes to, and how they would have to start interviewing for a part-time shift manager for The Rice Ball since Tohru wouldn't be there to supervise anymore made Yuki ill. They made jokes and held hands like teenagers, stealing kisses and sharing long looks. They could have been planning a surprise party: Surprise, it's a funeral!  
Yuki stepped through the doors to stand on the small wooden that wrapped around the back of the house. "How's the gardening coming?" he called.

"I'd feel better if it was you out here in the dirt and me in there painting," Kyo grumbled. "How did that happen again?"

"Because," Yuki began with a smirk, "you happened to choose a type of paint that you are allergic to."

Kyo scowled. A few drops of Summer Sky Blue on Kyo's skin made it break out in itching hives, which he hadn't known until he'd bought it and had commenced work on the bedroom earlier that morning. "Stupid paint."

"Well, it's quite pretty. Tohru will love it," Yuki said. He walked to the garden. "I'm going to take a quick nap, then I'll be out to work in the garden."

Kyo raised a brow and leaned back on his heels where he sat in the short grass. He wore a sleeveless tank top and thick outdoor gloves made of tough leather. He rubbed sweat from his forehead, leaving a streak of dirt behind. "Guess that means I should put lunch together. Oi, Ryu, you can handle putting down the rest of the rocks, can't you?"

"Yes, Sensei," Ryu said. "How could I mess it up?"

Kyo looked wary. "I've seen you mess up peanut butter and jelly. Be careful."

Ryu flushed. "That-that was an accident. Raspberry jelly is the same color as that beet marmalade, and the labels were turned away from me. It's Sayu's fault for putting them next to each other!"

Kyo peeled off his gloves and tossed them in the grass. "Whatever, Ryu."

Yuki chuckled. "A peanut butter and beet sandwich, hm? And just who did you serve this to, Ryu?"

Ryu cringed. "Sensei."

Yuki laughed outright and Kyo stood and punched him in the shoulder. "Don't forget who's making you lunch, Rat."

Oops. Yuki looked apologetic, or at least hoped he did. "Please don't poison me."

Kyo smirked and casually strolled toward the house, not looking back.

Yuki stared after him, half worried about his meal, and half worried about his cousin. Was Kyo's behavior normal?-was Tohru's? Yuki wished he knew a grief counselor or a therapist, anyone who could assure him that Kyo and Tohru were coping with this situation logically and not just going crazy.

"Um... Mr. Yuki?" Ryu didn't look up from placing garden rocks, but from his profile Yuki could see that the younger man was blushing.

"Yes, Ryu?" Yuki frowned. What was the matter?

"Th-thank you for being here for Sensei. He's been much better since you've been here."

Yuki blinked, insides shifting. "Better? How-how was he before?" Yuki sat down in the grass beside Ryu.

"He was-he tried to seem happy for Miss Tohru, but sometimes, I guess it just seemed like he wasn't really here, you know, with us, like he was just going through the motions. His eyes were kinda empty. He's not like that now."

Because I'm here? Do I really mean that much to him? "O-oh?"

"Miss Tohru's so brave and kind, and so is Sensei, usually, but this time he's really scared-and he can't show that to Miss Tohru," Ryu said, finally looking up. His dark eyes shone and for a moment Yuki was stunned. Ryu really cared about Kyo. It was no surprise at how much people came to care for Tohru, but Kyo did all right for himself as well. His students adored him, or at least the ones who had been by the house-and there had been quite a few-Tohru's doctor and nurse were fond of him, and the neighbors jumped through hoops trying to help out around the house when he'd asked. In fact, a few had seen what was going on and offered to help. Yuki had always envied Kyo's unconscious ability to draw people to him, but he had no idea it went to this magnitude, or had being around Tohru increased his ability?

Either way, it was touching to know that even though Kyo could draw helping hands to himself left and right, when it came down to it, Yuki's presence was the one that made the difference. Gods, should he have felt guilty for almost feeling smug, pleased that someone else needed him and benefited from having him around? He felt vaguely nauseous, and had to lower his head for a moment and close his eyes.

"Mr. Yuki? Are you okay?" Ryu asked. "It's not that hot, but you're really pale-like  _really_  pale. Maybe you need a sun hat and some water?"

Yuki raised a hand. "I'm all right, Ryu. I just-I'm just thinking about something."  
"About Sensei being a closet wreck? I'm sorry for telling you, if it's made you sad or

mad, or...." Ryu was rambling.

"No, it's good. I'm glad you told me. I needed to know. I'd been... wondering, about Kyo and Tohru, and how cheerful they're being. I know they don't want to dwell on...things... but it just doesn't seem normal."

Ryu nodded emphatically. "It's kinda creepy, sir."

Creepy. Yes, that was a good way to describe it. And... "Ryu, you can stop calling me 'sir'. How old are you?"

"Nineteen, sir... er... Mr. Yuki."

"I'm twenty-three, the same age as your sensei. You don't have to address me like an old man."

"But you're Sensei's cousin and my boss's brother-in-law..." Ryu frowned.

Yuki smiled at him and patted his shoulder. "And your sensei and boss are only twenty-three years old, too. You can relax."

Only twenty-three.

Tohru would be only twenty-three. And after Tohru, Kyo would still only be twenty-three, but would his life be over? In high school, Yuki would say 'yes', Kyo had based his entire salvation on Tohru and his love for her and her acceptance of him. Out of high school, what did Kyo live for? His dojo, his students, Tohru's bakery... or was it still just Tohru? Would there ever be another Tohru for him?

Heck, there would never be another Tohru, but would Kyo even try to find another somebody. And gods, why did the thought of that make his stomach churn? Tohru was almost like a mother to him when Yuki had first met her. She encouraged him and loved him unconditionally and taught him how to be a person, a man, and when she and Kyo had started showing an attraction, Yuki had felt like a son watching his mother date.

The thought of Kyo with another woman was like thinking of someone cheating on his beloved mother. But how could he not want Kyo to eventually move on?

Yuki shook his head.

"Mr. Yuki, are you sure you don't need some water?" Ryu asked.

"I'm fine. Let's-uh---let's get to work."

"I thought you were going to take a nap and then come back out."

"I've changed my mind. I need to be busy right now. So... let's see about this soil,

huh?" Yuki picked up Kyo's abandoned gloves and smiled at Ryu who watched him warily.

"Ah... You know s-er-Mr. Yuki, I'm starting to believe all you Sohmas are kinda crazy."

"What was that?" Yuki smiled and Ryu shrank back in the way Shigure did when he'd said something inappropriate about Tohru.

"Er-uh-nothing, Mr. Yuki."

* * *

 

~*~

Kyo wiped down the kitchen counters aa Yuki finished the last of the peach, strawberry lemonade the ex-Cat had made from scratch. How could a few fruits, water and sugar taste so delicious when blended together by Kyo's hand? Kyo had had to make three pitchers, because the neighbors had finished the first before Yuki and Ryu had gotten any, and Yuki and Ryu had finished the second before Kyo had gotten any. Yuki watched him that third time, waiting to see him drop some magic into that pale blue, duck embroidered pitcher. And no, he hadn't seen any stardust or heard any muttered magic words, just a lot of careful, artful slicing and precise measuring.

Yuki licked the rim of the glass drinking jar, savoring the last taste of the lemonade on his tongue. It was sweet and tangy, tart and refreshing at the same time. He knew he was going to have to brush his teeth 10 times before he went to bed, but it was worth it. The chair beside him honked as it was dragged across the tile and a tired, sweaty Kyo, with garden dirt smudged on his jeans and strawberry juice stains on his shirt, flopped down in it. He rested his head on the table with a long sigh.

"I never thought we'd get it all done."

"You had 5 people helping you. Of course you were going to get it all done, Cat. You didn't even have to pay anyone," Yuki said.

"I paid in lemonade. Now, I'm sweaty  _and_  sticky, and too tired to want to bathe before bed."  
Yuki chuckled and stretched a hand out to pat Kyo on the back. "You really should wear an apron."

"Screw that."

"It's too early for bed," Yuki remarked. He leaned back in his chair and glanced at a rooster-shaped clock on the wall. "It's barely even 8:30. Hey, how about we go out for a drink? Didn't we say we'd never done that without girls along?"

Kyo lifted his head to peer at him. "You serious?"

"Yeah. We can take a cab, so we don't have to worry about driving," Yuki said.

"Planning on getting wasted or are you a lightweight?"

Yuki smacked Kyo on the arm. "It's a 'just in case'. So, you want to?"

Kyo sat up and stretched his arms high over his head. "Hm.... What the hell? I'll never pass up a chance to see you totally sloshed. I could get some pics of you dancing on tables and poles and send it to Machi or something."

Yuki raised a brow. "How do you know she doesn't already have pictures of that?"

Kyo stared. "Just when you think you know a guy...."

"Get a shower, Kyo, or no bar will let us in. Do you have an idea of where we can go, or should I do a net-search?"

"Hn. I know a few places. Give me 20 minutes, Rat-face."

"You smell like you need 30 minutes."

"Funny."

* * *

 

~*~

Yuki sipped dark-colored beer from an iced mug. A pitcher of the frothy liquid sat in front of Yuki, on the house. One of Kyo's older students owned the bar and was so excited to see Kyo everything they touched was free. Sandwiches, chips, even shots, though Yuki had declined those and Kyo had only tossed back one. The leather of the barstool beside Yuki hissed as Kyo plopped down, causing it to deflate. He placed his hands on the counter and reached for the beer pitcher.

"How was the restroom?"

"Pretty clean, actually. Wouldn't eat off the floor, but it didn't make me want to hold it until I got home either."

That was always good to hear in establishments that served food. The kitchen was only as clean as the restrooms. Kyo took a deep swallow of beer and set his mug down with a clink. "So... I thought I'd go ahead and ask you now-to get it over with and all, but uh-are you interested in being a business partner for The Rice Ball? Tohru says you're a genius when it comes to handling its figures and you had some ideas for expansion. I was never involved in all that before, and hired somebody to do all that for the dojo. I can do that for the bakery too, but it'd mean a lot to us-Tohru and me-if you'd think about it."

Yuki's grip tightened on his beer mug handle. Talking to the brown liquid, he asked, "You talked about this?"

"Yeah. We talked about it a lot. You wouldn't have to move or anything and you'd get half the profits, being a partner and all. But we also understand if you turn it down; you're a busy guy."

"And you'd be willing to sell half The Rice Ball to someone else?" Yuki asked, pain lancing through his middle, thinking about Tohru's bakery being co-owned by a stranger.

Kyo shook his head with a sad smile. "Huh? Oh, no, no way. If you don't want it, we'd just hire an accountant. Tohru just... Well, that's not important. Look, don't worry about it. It's gotta be hard for you to hear this stuff all the time. I bet you think we're half crazy."

_Sometimes I do, but not while I'm sitting next to you watching you blink back tears_. Yuki glanced at his cousin, taking in the brightness of his eyes and the cautious way he sipped his beer, as if he were trying to wash down a piece of food caught in his throat.

"It is important," Yuki said. "Anything to do with her is. Why does she want me to own half of her bakery?"

Kyo shrugged. "You know how she feels about you. She wants to give you something, a

piece of herself, like a gift, because you know how much The Rice Ball means to her, and...." He chuckled and cleared his throat. "Well, you know how she was the one to, you know, bring us together? She... I think she thinks that when she goes, we won't try anymore-to be friends, I mean."

"And The Rice Ball will hold us together?" Yuki said. After a moment, he chuckled as humorously as Kyo had. He nursed his beer for a few moments as both he and Kyo listened to the poor guy castrating his guitar in a far corner of the bar.

"Kyo, you know if you need me, you don't need a bakery to get me here. After she-she passes, the only thing that's going to change between us is that we need to learn to use the phone ourselves. Yes, she was always the one who called, but Kyo... you're not a phone person and neither am I. We'll do better."

Kyo downed his beer and poured another from the pitcher. He'd drunk at least 4 mugs and had had a shot. He wasn't swaying or slurring his words, but he'd also only eaten half a sandwich and had picked at his other meals all day. Yuki grabbed the pitcher and pulled it closer to himself and out of Kyo's reach.

"We're going to start making calls Monday, after the weekend, so she can get settled in. She wants to call Hanajima and Uotani first. We both figure they'll catch the first trains out, like you did, and want to stay, so we'll be preparing the other guest room this weekend."

"Ah." Yuki hadn't seen Saki Hanajima or Arisa Uotani since high school. He wondered what they were like now. Arisa Uotani was still seeing his cousin Kureno, but as far as Yuki knew there were no talks of marriage in the near future. "Uh... do you think Miss Uotani might bring Kureno?"

Kyo shrugged. "I don't know. If she does, we can fold out the couch bed."

"Or he can share the room with me," Yuki said, wanting to take it back as soon as he said it. He didn't know much about Kureno, and frankly the thought of sharing a room with a stranger that was supposed to be family was uncomfortable.

Kyo raised a brow. "And that wouldn't be weird?"

Yuki chuckled, this time with feeling as he met Kyo's gaze. "Yeah, he can have the couch bed." Yuki drank more beer, swishing the liquid around in his mouth. "What about the others?" The others, meaning the rest of the former Zodiac; he knew Kyo understood who he meant.

"We'll call them after Uotani and Hanajima decide what to do. I mean, Tohru loves the family, don't get me wrong, but Uotani and Hanajima are  _her_  family. If anyone else wants to come to stay, Tohru wants Uotani and Hanajima to have first dibs on a room."

Oh. Yuki felt cold. Was he occupying a room that could have gone to Hanajima, or a bed that could have been for Uotani and Kureno? He should be the one on the couch bed. "I didn't even think of that. I'll give up the guest room. I...."  
He was cut off by Kyo's snort. "Yuki, if I hadn't jumped the gun, do you honestly think you wouldn't be one of the first people we called? You'd get your pick of a room, too. Tohru always meant for Hanajima and Uotani to share. It was never a question.  _That_  guest room is yours-and Machi's. Tohru always thought that when you two got married, we'd have couple weekends and invite you guys over to go on two-day trips. She really wanted to get to know Machi better."

Tohru wanted to know Machi? "I could invite Machi, and have her come..." he stopped as Kyo shook his head.

"No. This is family time, Yuki; not time to make new friends. We decided. We don't want anyone else in this." Kyo wrung his hands together on the bar and took a deep breath. "We've made some plans. Tohru wants to go sailing, eat at some more foreign cuisine restaurants, and go back to Russia. If we had more time, we'd go to Australia or America, somewhere far, but she doesn't want to die away from home, so we're not taking that chance."

"A month, that's all we get, one month. That's not saying she has the whole month, and not saying that she may have days or weeks longer than a month. So, we have to do things fast. We can't have her missing out."

"Kyo... don't you think rushing her through so many events might make her... sicker?" Yuki asked. He imagined Tohru traveling by train, car and boat, looking pale and tired but trying to smile. He thought of all of the people that would be around her, exposing her to their germs. Wouldn't she be more susceptible?

"It's what she wants," Kyo said. "I told her, promised her it would always be whatever she wants. I'll do anything to make her happy."

"But anything makes Tohru happy." Yuki pushed away his beer mug and turned to Kyo. "If you think she's pushing herself too far, and you tell her, she'll listen to you."

"Yeah, yeah she will, and think she's being a bother, and she'll stop telling me what she really wants," Kyo said. "This isn't about making me feel better. If I was gonna go, I would want...."

"To still do whatever she wanted. She's the same Kyo," Yuki said.

"She's not going to die pleasing me. That's all there is to it," Kyo said flatly. He looked at the pitcher and back at Yuki. "You scared I'm gonna drink myself into a stupor?"

Yuki sighed and nodded. "You've had 5 already and a shot of strong liquor."

Kyo blinked. "Oh? I don't remember having that many. Well, good thing you're here or I'd be the one dancing on tables and poles. And no, Tohru does not have pictures of that."

"She would after I got through," Yuki said.

Kyo laughed and punched Yuki lightly on the shoulder. "You know what? She'd like something like that... so, tell you what. Get out your camera. I'm just buzzed enough to do this."

Yuki blinked. "What? What are you going to do?" If Kyo really was going to dance on a table, Yuki was going to sit on him. Kyo slid off his barstool and walked across the room, going straight to the singing guy with the guitar. The guy sat on a small, round platform on a wooden stool, in front of a microphone. Yuki noted that the microphone was not on; a wise decision. Two speakers sat in front of the small stage.

Wait. Was Kyo going to do impromptu karaoke?

Yuki jumped out of his seat and hurried to Kyo. "I was just joking!" he called as he ran.

Guitar guy stopped playing and smiled at Kyo. He vacated his stool and passed Kyo his guitar. Kyo put the strap over his shoulder and strummed his fingers over a few chords as if he knew what he was doing. A few patrons in the bar looked up and gave some cheers.

"Yo, Kyo!"

"Gonna play us something?"

"Get lost Heisuke and let Sensei have a go!"

"Good riddance Heisuke! You suck!"

Yuki halted a few feet from the little platform, beside a table of college students drinking beers and fruity liquor in tall glasses. There was a soft hum and little feedback as the microphone and speakers slowly came to life. Yuki looked behind him to see a man at the DJ booth in back waving toward the stage, probably at Kyo. Then it struck Yuki; Kyo must have done this before.

His cousin sat on the stool, feet just touching the floor and began to strum the opening chords to a vaguely familiar song. Maybe it was American.

"This is for the love of my life. It's our song."

And Kyo sang.

Yuki sat down at the table of college students, not bothering to ask if the seat was taken or if he could join them, floored. Since when could Kyo play the guitar or sing? He had a strong baritone voice that soared easily into tenor ranges to caress higher notes. There were soft cheers and cat calls all around.

_"Oh, once in your life you find someone_

_Who will turn your world around_

_Bring you up when you're feeling down."_

That was Tohru all right. Kyo sang in English, his words slightly accented but clear. Yuki wondered how many people in the bar understood what Kyo was singing.

_"Now our dreams are coming true_

_Through the good times and the bad_

_I'll be standing there by you."_

He didn't realize he was crying until he felt moisture and tasted salt on his lips. Yuki wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, then remembered he was supposed to be taking pictures for Tohru. He pulled his phone from his back pocket and placed it in camera mode. He stood to snap a few pictures of Kyo leaning into the microphone and leaning away from it. The guitarist, Heisuke, clapped Kyo on the back when he was done. The rest of the bar erupted into cheers.

"Sensei should take his act on the road, and be a traveling karate-singer!"  
"Shut up, Kai! You're a moron!"

Yuki put his phone away and looked around the table at the arguing young men. "Um...hello. I'm Yuki Sohma, Kyo's cousin."

Three pairs of eyes were instantly glued to him. "You don't look like Sensei."

"Can you fight?"

"You're a guy?"

His eye twitched at the last statement.

"Kai, just don't talk anymore! You're such an idiot." One of the young men had hair dyed blond and dark eyes. He stuck out a hand, Western style. "I'm Shususke; the moron's Kai, and that's Toshinori."

Yuki greeted all of the students, raising a brow at the long-haired Kai.

"Does Kyo perform here often?" Yuki asked, nodding at Kyo who was still on stage talking with Heisuke.

"Nah, not often only when he came in with Miss Tohru. She liked to watch him up there and claimed she was his number one groupie," Shusuke said with a smile. "She's a number one sweetheart. I can't believe that she's...." he trailed off, looking at Yuki warily. "Uh..."

"She's dying," Yuki said for him. "I know."

Shusuke and the others seemed to relax. "Okay. We know they've been keeping pretty quiet about it to folks who aren't here to see it. Sensei looks better, though. You get him drunk?"

Yuki flushed. "No, he's not drunk. At least, I don't think he is."

Toshinori, who wore his dark brown hair short, laughed. "You can't quite tell with Sensei. He can really hold his liquor. Miss Tohru on the other hand has to stick to soda."

"I want to go see her," Kai said, running a hand through his shoulder length hair. "She's supposed to be back home this week, right...er...?"

"Yuki, and yes, she'll be home. I don't know if they really want a flock of people coming by all of a sudden..." Yuki began, but what did he know. Maybe Tohru did want all of Kyo's students to drop by.

"Sensei!" The attention was off Yuki as Kyo made his way to the table.

"Oi, what are you knuckleheads doing out? Don't you have a curfew or something?" Kyo noogied Kai, who let out a yelp and ducked his head.

"We're 18!"

"Going on 8," Kyo said. He nodded at Yuki. "Did you all get introduced to my cousin?"

"Yessir," Shusuke said. "And we were asking him about coming to see Miss Tohru this week."

Kyo's light demeanor dimmed a bit. "Oh. Well, maybe next week. We need to get her settled in, and we're expecting guests. I'll tell you what, though, I'll let Nobu know when you guys can start dropping by. That okay?"

"Yeah, sure." The young men looked pleased, but Kyo looked heavy. Yuki frowned at him.

"Well, we've had a long day. I think it's time we headed home, Kyo," Yuki said lightly. He rose from his chair. Kyo looked grateful, though he quickly masked it as he bid his students goodbye. People went out of their way to touch Kyo on the arm or pat his back as they left the bar to flag down another cab.

"You're popular," Yuki said as the cool night breeze slapped his face. He hadn't felt the slight beer buzz he had until the fresh air stirred him from it.

"Yeah," Kyo said. "I guess so."

"I didn't know you could play or sing. You're really good. When did you start?" Yuki asked.

Kyo shrugged. "I never really started. It was just something I picked up. When I was a kid, my dad had a guitar. I wasn't supposed to mess with it, but I did. He'd toss me around when he caught me with it, but he never tried to hide it. Then after Mom-did what she did-and I went to live with Master, he had a few students who came to stay with us for a few months at a time, and one of them had a guitar, too."

Yuki nodded along, wincing slightly at the mention of Kyo's mother. Yuki would never forget that the woman had committed violent suicide and that Kyo's father had blamed him for it, but Yuki had filed it away in the back of his mind. From what Yuki could glean from Kyo's brief stories about his past, Kyo had loved his mother dearly. Tohru would be the second woman he loved to pass out of his life too soon.

On an impulse, Yuki slung an arm around Kyo's shoulders, pulling him close. He didn't know what else to do; he felt so miserable and couldn't begin to fathom what Kyo must be feeling.

Kyo didn't struggle away from him or even give him strange looks. His red head bowed and he breathed heavily. "On the day she dies, she asked me to sing her to sleep. I'm going to hold her and sing until she goes to sleep and never wakes up. I'll never sing again after that. I know I won't."

Yuki held his cousin tighter. "You'll find a new reason to."

Kyo shook his head. "I don't know."

"You don't have to know."  _I'll know for you_. "Kyo?"

"Hn?"

"I'll help with The Rice Ball, but I don't want any money for it."

"Thank you," Kyo said. He raised his head, eyes glimmering in the streetlight they stood beneath.  A cab approached and Kyo waved a hand at it. Yuki watched as the cab slowed and pulled to the curb.

Before Kyo could shrug Yuki's arm off and move toward the cab, Yuki put his other arm around him, hugging him briefly. "It's whatever for me too, Kyo. All you have to do is ask."

 

* * *

 

Adams, Bryan. "Heaven."  _Reckless_. A &M, 1990. CD.

Goo Goo Dolls. "Slide."  _Dizzy Up the Girl_. Warner Brothers/Wea, 1998. CD.


	6. "The Place Where Love and Good Feeling Don't Ever Cost a Thing."

Yuki thought the neighbors would never leave.

Ever since Yuki and Kyo had brought Tohru home from the hospital that morning, the doorbell had rung constantly, and if it wasn't the doorbell ringing, it was knuckles knocking. They came in two's and three's with dishes of food and colorful knitting projects, young and old, all with large, sad eyes and pity-filled smiles. Kyo was running out of places to store the food and Yuki was tired of smiling and taking knitted quilts and shawls away to stack in the second guest room-they would figure out what to do with them later.

"Thank you again for stopping by, Mrs. Hashino. Please give my regards to your husband." Tohru was all smiles as the last neighbor, an elderly woman in an atrocious house dress, left.

"Quick, lock the doors, bar the windows, no one else is coming in here tonight," Kyo groaned as he trudged back into the living room. He threw himself down on the sofa beside Tohru and planted a kiss on her forehead.

Tohru giggled. "Stop being silly, Kyo-chan, you love the neighbors."

"But I don't love their cooking. What are we going to do with all of it? Well, I know what I'm going to do with Kirei's muffins, but what are we going to do with the rest of it?"

Tohru pinched Kyo's thigh. "Kyo! Leave Kirei-chan alone. You know she tries!"

Yuki joined the couple on the couch, sitting on the other side of Tohru. "What  _are_  you going to do with Miss Kirei's muffins, Kyo?"

"Put them in the garden to scare away the rodents," Kyo said without missing a beat. "They're hard as rocks and taste like leek-flavored sandpaper."

"They're not that bad, Kyo." Tohru laughed and put her arms around his waist. She leaned her head into his chest and the delicate pink bow that held her headscarf in place began to unknot.

"I tried to feed one to Mr. Todo's Akita, and it growled and started barking at it. When I tossed it, the dog attacked and do you know that muffin didn't break apart?" Kyo rested his chin atop Tohru's head holding the scarf in place before it could slide off. Yuki held his breath. He'd never seen Tohru without a scarf.

"You're being silly," Tohru murmured, her voice muffled by the folds of Kyo's shirt.

"I'm not being silly. I'm being cautious," Kyo said. "Those muffins are not fit for human consumption."

Tohru brought her head back, so that she could stare up at Kyo, and the scarf fell away, revealing a sleek brown cap of hair, thinning in places, but Yuki was relieved to not see any bald scalp. As his stomach settled, Yuki realized how upset he would have been to see Tohru balding.

"I've decided to call Hana-chan first, in the morning; then I'll call Uo-chan. I think that you and Yuki-kun should go out. You could take him to the dojo."

"I thought you weren't going to call them until after the weekend. That's what we planned," Kyo said, sounding confused. "Are you okay?

"Yes, I'm fine, Kyo-chan. I just-I feel bad for not telling them after-well, after seeing Yuki-kun...and seeing how much better you look now that he's here. I haven't been very thoughtful of you. I'm sorry."

Kyo ran both hands through Tohru's hair, letting his fingers roam down to her cheeks; he held her face between his hands. "The only thing anyone is thinking of right now is you. Only call Hanajima and Uotani if you're ready to call them. Tomorrow, we can make a picnic lunch and go to the beach and...and I'll even get in the water... and we'll just have at. This weekend, we'll go sailing or go out on one of those glass bottom boats, and then on Monday, you call em', like we planned."

"But Baby, they'll be so hurt, so upset." Tohru's voice shook. "I shouldn't have kept it from them, from everyone. I don't want... to hear them cry."

Kyo crushed Tohru to his chest, and Yuki watched his face crumple over Tohru's head. "I'll call them. You won't have to deal with it."

"B-but y-you do everything. You d-don't have to do everything."

"But I want to," Kyo said, rubbing her small back. "I have to be able to fix something, Rice Ball. All I know is that Yankee better have learned some manners since the last time I talked to her. It's been 5 years since high school and she still calls me Orangey."

Tohru's chuckle was thick. She probably needed to blow her nose. "You are very orange."

"I am not!"

"Your hair is orange, and when you tan, you turn a little orange too."

"I do n---"

"Orange is cute," Tohru said. She sniffled juicily and pulled back from him, arms still around his waist. "I wouldn't have had anything to do with you, if I didn't think orange was cute."

"Oh, is that so, huh?" Kyo tickled Tohru mercilessly, until she squealed and hugged him tight.

Yuki sat still, observing them. They had cycles: ups and downs, tears and giggles. He'd done some research online about grief and dealing with death and dying. He hadn't expected to find anything to make it easier, but he recognized a few things he had read in Kyo and Tohru's behavior, Kyo's especially: the spouse who made extreme personal sacrifices.

Yuki cleared his throat. "Is anybody hungry? I can heat up one of the dishes in the kitchen."

Both Kyo and Tohru looked at him sharply.

"Um... th-that's all right, Yuki-kun. I'm not very hungry right now, but when I get hungry, I can handle the kitchen," Tohru said quickly.

Kyo nodded in agreement. "Stay outta that kitchen Rat. You're not burning down our house."

Yuki sighed, really not wanting to mention this in front of Tohru, but it might be the best way to get results. "Kyo, you haven't eaten a thing since this morning, and even then it was a piece of toast."

Kyo blinked and Tohru let out a little gasp. "Kyo! You told me you were eating better!"

"I am!" Tohru frowned at him. "I swear I am. I was just---busy today."

"Because you're trying to do everything!" Tohru got to her feet. She wore fuzzy pink house shoes that matched her fuzzy pink sweats. "I'm going to make you something to eat."

"You don't...."

"Do we have fresh fish?" Tohru was already heading for the kitchen.

Kyo shot Yuki a look.

Yuki shrugged. "You're not eating enough, Cat. I've been watching you, and those bags under your eyes say you're not sleeping enough either. Look, I'll be the one to call Hanajima and Uotani, I'll pick a date and schedule the vacation in Russia, and I'll get the reservations for sailing. The only thing I want to see you doing this week and next is baking cake and bread and making lemonade."

Kyo cocked his head at Yuki; then, threw a couch pillow at him. "I hope you get fat."

"Machi said she'd love me more if I gained some weight."

Kyo threw another pillow. "You're ridiculous. You know that?"

"Not as ridiculous as Ayame."

Kyo shuddered.

"I'll have to call him, too. He loves Tohru. We'll have Ayame and Shigure in the same space...."

"And they'll be sharing that space in a Bed and Breakfast," Kyo finished.

The sound of a dozen metal pans striking the floor had Yuki's heart in his throat and Kyo on his feet. Kyo rushed into the kitchen with Yuki hot on his heels. Tohru sat on the floor, surrounded by blue, yellow, and pink skillets and pans. She looked flushed and dazed.

"Tohru!" Kyo knelt beside her, stroking her hair while checking her over. "Are you hurt? What happened?"

"I just...got a little dizzy. I'm okay. Oh, Kyo-chan, what have I told you about stacking the pots like that?"

Kyo helped Tohru stand up, and readied himself to scoop her into his arms, but she gave him a light push away. "I'm fine now, Baby. If you want to help, get the fish out of the fridge and get out what I need to make the marinade you like."

Kyo watched Tohru pick a pink skillet off of the floor and take it to the sink to wash with a lost expression on his face. Yuki touched the small of his back, giving him a push toward the fridge. "Go ahead. I'll clean this up."

Kyo nodded slowly, still watching Tohru. He scrubbed a hand over his face and went to the fridge. "Fish.... Marinade stuff.... Rice Ball, I don't remember what went in the marinade. It tasted kinda fruity, though."

Tohru laughed over her shoulder. "Plums Kyo-chan, plums and pineapple, and..."

Yuki picked up the pots and pans as the couple talked each other through their mini-crisis. There was so much food in the fridge Yuki didn't know how Kyo would find the ingredients.

"Tohru, why don't you just heat up some leftovers?" Yuki asked gently. He put a few pans away as Tohru traveled to the stove.

Tohru moved to a cabinet and rooted through seasonings and oils. "Because Kyo is a finicky eater, and no one else knows just how to cook for him."

Touché. But... "Tohru, he'll eat what's in front of him, if you ask him to," Yuki said.

"Yuki-kun," Tohru said calmly; she turned around, her little hand so tight on the handle of the skillet her knuckles were white. "I haven't made a meal for my husband in nearly 2 months. I want to cook for him-while I still can cook for him. Do you understand?" She moved closer to him, and Yuki swallowed at how hollow her cheeks were and how her sweatshirt swallowed her up. She lowered her voice. "Today is a good day. I don't know how many good days there are going to be. Kyo and I decided that I'll be allowed to do what I want to do, and I want to take care of my husband before I have to give that job over to someone else. Are you all right with this, Yuki-kun? Because if you're not... well, maybe staying here the whole time might not be such a good idea. We don't expect everyone to agree with our decisions, but we want them to be respected."

A hand clenched Yuki's heart and wrenched it around in his chest. No, no he didn't agree that Tohru should be allowed to run herself or Kyo into the ground, but was she really asking him to leave if he didn't? Should he leave? He was going to get run into the ground as well just keeping up with them. He didn't know if he could handle it all-and, thinking of the arrival of Hanajima and Uotani actually made him feel better, lighter. He needed someone to talk to, others in on the secret; he needed others to see this and tell him how to react, or if he was reacting properly. Tohru would be the one he wanted to help him through something like this, but Tohru was instead the person  _he_  wanted to help.

"Tohru...."

Tohru's large eyes studied him. "Kyo needs you, Yuki-kun. If you want to help me, please try to respect our decisions, for him. I think that you need to stay, and I really want you to stay, but that's only if you want to, if you can. It's a lot to ask."

"Not for family it isn't," Yuki said. He swallowed hard and turned away from her. "I'm going to rearrange the food in the fridge, so you can find stuff in there easier, but we really need to figure out what we're going to do with it all. It would be a shame to let it spoil. Maybe we could take it to the dojo, have a party for the students or something."

Yuki felt her proximity. She was right behind him. Her thin arms curled around his waist, the cool frying pan touched the skin of his bare arms. "Thank you, Yuki."

Yuki nodded, not able to speak. He knew his voice would break. His eyes threatened to fill. He touched one of her elbows, squeezing it for a moment; then moved away from her, heading to the fridge where Kyo was on his hands and knees rummaging through the bottom drawers.

* * *

 

~*~

A day at the beach involved a lot of eating for Yuki. He lounged on a beach towel under a large umbrella, hand constantly dipping into the picnic basket. Kyo and Tohru had outdone themselves. There were chicken and tuna salad sandwiches on toasted homemade baguettes, strawberry crème puffs, French vanilla cakes, fresh fruit and watercress salads, raspberry mango tea, and home-baked potato chips with ranch dressing. Machi might get her wish for Yuki to gain a few pounds; he doubted his metabolism would put up with all that food without teaching him a lesson. He'd had to loosen the drawstring on his swimming trunks.

Kyo and Tohru were wading in the surf. Tohru splashing Kyo as he tried to run from her; he still hated getting wet. Yuki's cell phone vibrated in the button-up side pocket of his trunks. He pulled it out and glanced at the caller ID. Machi, his insides twitched. He hadn't told her anything other than he had to go on a trip for a while and that she couldn't come for the weekend. He was an awful fiancé.

"Hello, Machi."

"Yuki Sohma, you give me 1 reason why I shouldn't kill you! You are not on a work trip. Your boss called me and asked if everything was all right. He said you were with a sick relative. What is going on?" Machi's normally soft voice was shrill.

His boss called Machi? Yuki vaguely remembered giving Mr. Kudoh her number in case of emergencies, but why wouldn't he call Yuki? It wasn't like he was screening his calls.

"Um.... It's complicated, but you're right I should have explained it to you better. I was waiting..." until Tohru and Kyo dropped the bomb on more than just a select few. "...for a better time."

"A better time for what?" Machi's voice had returned to its regular register. She sounded cool and rational, something Yuki loved her for. She could be very methodical in times of crisis. She saw logic in chaos and had never swooned over him or catered to him.

"Uh... well, I can't really say all that much, but I'm with Kyo and Tohru right now."

"Is everything all right?"

"No," Yuki said. He glanced out at his cousins who were now sitting and letting the surf wash over their legs. "It's not all right. Tohru's very ill, and Kyo needed some help."

"And you couldn't tell me this? I could have come with you. I'm sure there are some things that Tohru would like another woman around to help her with. I know how much she means to you."

"No... I mean, they haven't really told anyone, and don't want to yet. I didn't know how comfortable they would be if I told you, and I... don't want to trouble them by asking."

"So, you were just going to lie and not call me. It's been 4 days since I've heard from you. I was going to call your brother first, but thought I'd spare you that. I'm not that angry with you after all," Machi said. Yuki knew she was pacing. She always paced when she spoke on the phone. Yuki always worried that she'd trip over the clutter she kept on the floor, and hurt herself. Machi was so messy. It didn't match her persona at all, and amused Yuki to no end. They were both so precise and collected outwardly, but inside they were slobs who knew they'd have to hire a maid and a chef when they finally married and moved in together.

It always surprised people to learn that out of Yuki and Kyo, Kyo was the neat one. But they had once been a rat and a cat. Cats were known for being meticulously clean creatures, and rats were known for... well, it wasn't flattering.

Oh no. Yuki's eyes widened as Machi's last statement sunk in. What if she had called Ayame? Ayame would have gone to his apartment, found it empty, saw the travel notes Yuki had left on his counter and come to Maizuru immediately.

"Machi, this is important. You cannot tell anyone what I'm telling you. Tohru and Kyo are not ready for everyone to know yet, but you deserve to know why I left like I did and why I'm going to be here for a while, and... that I may not be able to see you as often."

"Yuki, you're scaring me. How sick is Tohru? Is it very serious?" Machi's voice was still calm, but a note of trepidation had entered it.

"Tohru's dying. She's got stage four cancer. It started in her breasts, but it's spread to all of her glands. She's decided to go off treatment and spend the last of her time at home. She and Kyo are going to let everyone know next week. They thought...they thought she was going to get better, so they kept quiet and weren't going to say anything until she was cured."

"Oh...Yuki, I'm so sorry." Machi was silent for a moment and Yuki shut his eyes. "How are they doing?"

"They're... dealing with it. They've made all sorts of plans, and they're having fun. We're at the beach now, and we're going sailing in an hour. Tomorrow, we're going shopping, because Tohru wants to redecorate the second guest room and get some more gardening tools, then we're going out to eat at a French restaurant."

"That sounds busy. Is Tohru up for all that?" Machi asked.

Yuki shook his head. "I hope so, because they don't plan on changing anything they've got scheduled."

"Have you said anything? What about Kyo? I'm sure he doesn't want her to get too tired."

"He's doing whatever she wants. He won't say anything, and I... I agreed to do the same. It's-the doctor says she has a month. While she feels good and able, she wants to do what she can."

"But what if she's making it so that she won't feel good and able later? She should rest, too."

"I know," Yuki said. "But, just talking to her, you feel like the clock is going much faster and that she has to do everything now. I'm hoping that when they let other people in, maybe someone else will be able to say something. I can't."

"Yuki..."

"I just want to be here, and if I talk too much, Tohru said that maybe I shouldn't stay."

"She said that?  _Tohru_  said that?"

Yuki nodded, knowing Machi knew his response. She always knew what he meant when he didn't say a word. Gods, he loved her. Pain ripped through him as he imagined what it would be like if Machi were dying. It was different-it was a different pain than what he felt for Tohru. He thought about telling Tohru how he'd probably be a heap of misery in Kyo's place and knew he'd been wrong. He wouldn't have been a heap, being a heap took strength. He would probably die right along with Machi.

He looked out at Kyo again, he and Tohru were cuddling.

"I have to stay."

Machi cleared her throat. "Well. I trust you to know what's best. Next week, after they tell everyone, do you want me to come out?"

Guilt flooded him. "Oh... Machi, I'm sorry. They only want family here."

"Oh." Silence again. "I understand."

And what hurt most was that Yuki knew she did. Machi always understood. "I'll call you and when I think everything's okay, I'll take the train to see you."

"No, I'll come to see you. You can meet me in town and we can have dates, and then you'll go back to your cousin's. It'll be perfectly fine. I'll be the boyfriend, which means I'll pay and expect sex at the end of the date."

Yuki choked, and then laughed. "Have I said I love you since this conversation started?"

"No."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. I will field phone calls from your boss and expect for you to call me and let me know when we can go on our first date. I will not bring you flowers, though."

"Good. I don't know where I'd put them," Yuki said. Machi laughed. They were quiet, Yuki staring out at the ocean and Machi probably digging through a pile of something or other looking for a notebook to write out plans.

Kyo was standing and bringing Tohru up with him. Tohru held something in her hands and waved it at Kyo. Kyo poked her forehead and stretched. He turned in Yuki's direction and waved him over.

"Machi, I have to go."

"I'll talk to you later, Yuki. You are a wonderful person, you know that?"

"Not always. Love you." He disconnected and slid his phone back into his pocket. He took a quick sip of tea from a sports cup and rose. He wore a t-shirt and sandals and donned a baseball cap. Being pale meant he burned easily. He sauntered out to meet Kyo and Tohru, getting his feet wet. Grains of damp sand nestled between his toes.

"Yo, you can't stuff your face forever. Rice Ball wants pictures."

~*~

Sailing and seafood on the boardwalk had Tohru drowsy and more than willing to ride piggyback on Kyo as they walked through little trinket stores looking at wrap dresses, beach towels and umbrellas. Yuki scowled as a few shop girls and boys tried to get him to try on a wrap dress. What was it with people wanting to dress him in drag?

"Miss Tohru and Mr. Kyo!" Two teenage girls pounced as soon as they exited the last store and stepped onto the sidewalk. Kyo stopped walking and let Tohru slide down from his back.

"Hello Sakura-chan, Mitsu-chan. You both look so cute!" Tohru smiled at the girls as they modeled their blue and pink yukatas and geta. Yuki guessed them to be about 16.

"We miss you so much at The Rice Ball. Mr. Kyo is always kicking us out because we don't buy anything!" Sakura, in the blue yukata, complained.

"He's so mean!" Mitsu, in pink, agreed.

"Oi, I'm not mean. You take up space that paying customers could be using and you're loud," Kyo said.

Mitsu scrunched up her nose at him. "We just like talking to you!"

"I don't know why," Kyo said. Yuki smirked at his cousin. He spoke to these girls like he'd spoken to girls back in high school, like they were minor annoyances to be swatted away with words.

"Kyo-chan, be nice. Miss Mitsu and Miss Sakura will buy something one day," Tohru said sweetly. "And even if they don't, they are still welcome."

Sakura hugged Tohru and stuck her tongue out at Kyo. "You see! Miss Tohru likes us there."

"She likes everyone there," Kyo said.

"Oh, Miss Tohru, when are you coming back?" Mitsu asked.

"Oh... well, I'll be in a few times next week..."

"No, I mean when are you coming back for good? We miss talking to you about boys and school."

Kyo's hand found Tohru's as her smile froze in place.

"Um..."

Yuki stepped in front of them, bowing slightly. "Hello, I'm Yuki Sohma, Kyo's cousin. I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier. It's nice to meet you, Miss Sakura, Miss Mitsu."

Sakura and Mitsu stared at him, their eyes huge; their mouths trembling.

"Oh!"

"Ooh!"

Yuki smiled at them, inwardly rolling his eyes at the blushes tinting their cheeks. It never failed with high school girls-and sometimes, boys.

"You're related to Mr. Kyo?"

"Mr. Kyo, are all the guys in your family hot?"

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"What's your blood type?"

Yuki fielded their questions all the while keeping an eye on Kyo and Tohru, making sure they were recovering from the question the two girls had asked. So, not everyone who knew Tohru in town knew what was going on. Tohru leaned against Kyo, her head tilted back as she peered up at him. She wore a baseball cap with a blue bunny on the front and a blue one-piece bathing suit with a sarong that just touched her painted pink toenails. Kyo was looking back at her, a soft smile on his lips.

They were okay.

"I have a fiancé and we share the same blood type," Yuki said. "It was nice to meet you two, again. We really must be going."

"Aww... but we haven't seen Miss Tohru in forever!"

"What day will you be at The Rice Ball?"

"Uh... Wednesday," Yuki answered. Experimental Wednesday.

"You'll be there, too?"

"Yes," Yuki said quickly. He turned to Kyo and Tohru to find them still staring at each other. He touched both their shoulders. "Let's go," he mouthed.

"Aww... Miss Tohru and Mr. Kyo are so cute! I want my boyfriend to look into my eyes like that, too!"

They left Sakura and Mitsu squealing behind them.

"Well, they certainly are spirited," Yuki said, walking on the other side of Tohru. He took her hand. "Are you all right?"

Tohru curled her fingers around his. "We forgot about telling our customers."

"All my students pretty much know, and the staff at The Rice Ball, but I didn't think about the regular customers either," Kyo said. "How do we want to do this?"

Tohru's little shoulders slumped. "I don't know. I don't want to go in and tell people that. The Rice Ball's a happy place."

"Then you won't. We just won't say anything. We don't have to," Kyo said. "It---word will get around on its own. We won't worry about it."

"But Kyo, what about Sakura and Mitsu, and the Saongis? And what about...?"

"Shh, Rice Ball. If you really want a statement out there, I'll come up with it," Kyo said. "Maybe it can be something written. We can make a new treat for Wednesday and have it come with a note."

Tohru's hand tightened on Yuki's. "I guess that's all right. It's so impersonal, though."

"It's just a thought. We can think more about it later."

Tohru nodded, and rested her head against Kyo's shoulder. "Kyo-chan, I'm tired."

Kyo stopped walking and lifted Tohru into his arms, carrying her like a bride over a threshold. "It's time to go home, then."

"Mmm... home, to sleep in our bed. I missed our bed, Kyo."

"I missed you in our bed." Kyo's voice lowered to a purr.

"Is that so, huh?"

Kyo chuckled and Yuki slowed his step to match Kyo's. They'd parked the car near the beach; the walk wasn't far, but it couldn't be too comfortable while carrying a load. The night breeze skimming off the ocean was cool and the air was fresh and salty. The night sky was purplish black, but lacking stars due to a cloudy overcast.

"So..." Yuki spoke up. "What are you two making for breakfast in the morning?"

Kyo blinked at him; then looked forward shaking his head. "I told you he was using us for food, Tohru."

Tohru giggled and Yuki smiled.

It'd been a good day, and Yuki hoped Tohru had many more to come.

 

 

* * *

 

Daughty, Chris. "Home."  _Daughtry_. RCA, 2006. CD.

 


	7. "I Can See It's Hurting You"

Saki Hanajima wore red. Yuki almost didn't recognize his dark-haired former classmate as she stepped off the train. She wore flared jeans and a short-sleeved red blouse, and her waist-length black hair was pulled into a French braid. What happened to the black and the veils and the floor length skirts and dresses?

"Miss Hanajima?" Yuki asked, because perhaps he was mistaken.

"Yuki Sohma." The elegant dark haired woman moved in his direction, a single duffle bag was slung over one shoulder while she pulled a rolling suitcase behind her. Yuki shook his head and rushed forward to take her luggage.

"Wow, you look---very nice, very different," Yuki said.

"And you still look very much the same, but older," Hanajima said, her voice was still a cool wind.  She passed her luggage off to Yuki as if she expected him to take her bags. "How are you enjoying your success? I've heard much about you from Tohru. She dotes on you as if you are her child." Hanajima's dark eyes were serene.

"Oh?" Yuki felt his cheeks warm. He wondered if his own mother spoke about him as warmly and with as much pride as Tohru did. He doubted she did, and it didn't bother him as it would have years ago, a time before he'd known Tohru. He didn't need Mother's approval.

"She never had anything to say about herself unless it pertained to her bakery," Hanajima continued. "I should have realized something was wrong, but it's hard to sense waves from such a distance. I should have come for a visit."

Yuki led Hanajima to Kyo's car, which he'd been using as if it were his own. Kyo had given him the keys and told him not to wreck it. "I should have come for a visit," Yuki said.

"So, the question is: 'Why didn't we?'" Hanajima said. She allowed Yuki to open the passenger side door for her and she got into the car.

Yuki sighed. "I was too caught up in my own life. I was building a reputation for myself at work and I'm in a serious relationship. Tohru always sounded so happy. Who would ever think anything was wrong?"

"I still think about high school, when she was living in tent for a month and no one knew," Hanajima said, shaking her head. "How are things there, Yuki? You are, after all, the only person I've spoken to. She didn't want to call herself, did she?"

Yuki shook his head. "She didn't know what to say. Kyo called me. I don't know how he handled things so well by himself for so long. Things at the house are... it's strange, but nice. We do a lot of things together, like go out walking and to the movies, and Tohru cooks something new for breakfast and lunch and we always go out to a new place for dinner."

"So...she's pretty active. I'm sorry; I just keep getting these images of Tohru lying in a bed beckoning people to come closer," Hanajima said. "Like a bad movie. When does Arisa get here?"

Yuki put the car in drive and pulled out onto the street. "She and Kureno are driving; they should be here this evening."

"Oh, she's bringing him then? Well, I suppose I will be sleeping on the couch."

"Um." Actually, the plan was for the girls to share and Kureno to take the couch.

"I certainly don't want anyone walking in on those two in compromising positions," Hanajima said easily as Yuki flushed furiously.

No, no one wanted to see that. "Yes, the couch bed is yours. We've bought new linens and everything."

* * *

 

~*~

"Hana-chan!"

Yuki stood back as Tohru and Hanajima hugged. Hanajima ran her hands through Tohru's short cap of hair and said in a soft voice, "Tohru, your hair."

"You don't like my bob? I was thinking of getting a pixie cut, but Kyo-chan doesn't like those," Tohru said, pulling back from Hanajima. She smiled, though her eyes were damp. Hanajima dabbed at her own eyes.

"I like it, Tohru. You're beautiful; I just haven't seen you with your hair so short."

The smell of hot cinnamon and melting butter migrated from the kitchen. Kyo and Tohru had been making homemade sticky buns before Yuki had left. It smelled like they were ready. Yuki shrugged out of his light jacket, draping it over one arm, and went into the kitchen. Kyo was sitting on the kitchen island. The oven light was on and he watched the rising buns on the rack.

"Not ready yet?" Yuki asked.

Kyo didn't start or turn at his arrival. "This is a new batch. Tohru had me take the others to the neighbors as a 'thank you' for all the food we've got to give away."

Yuki shook his head. Kyo and Tohru had such lucky neighbors. Yuki wished he had a couple that delivered him baked goods at random and on Wednesdays. Yuki laid his jacket over a chair and came to stand by Kyo. His cousin was pale and his eyes were shadowed.

"How are you feeling?" Yuki asked.

"Hm?" Kyo frowned at Yuki. "I'm fine. Is Hanajima okay?"

Yuki nodded. "I think so. She looks different. She's got on a red shirt and jeans."

Kyo laughed. "Seriously? She's wearing colors? The jeans aren't new, though. Last time I saw her, she was wearing denim, black denim, but it was still really casual."

"I didn't ask what was going on in her life. Is she with someone? Working?" Yuki asked. He looked at the island and the small space beside Kyo. There was enough room for him, too. Yuki tapped Kyo's knee and gestured for him to move over a bit. Kyo lifted an eyebrow but obliged and Yuki boosted himself onto the wooden surface.

"Ever watch that show Ghost Hunters International?" Kyo asked.

"Um... not really, but that's the show where crazy people go around to places that are supposedly haunted, right?" Yuki asked, wondering where Kyo was headed with this line of conversation.

"They did some episodes in Japan, and ol' Hanajima was part of the crew. She's a Ghost Hunter now, and she's been seeing this guy from Scotland," Kyo said.

Saki Hanajima on a television program? Yuki knew he was being silly, but he hadn't been sure the girl could actually be photographed. She'd always unnerved him a bit in school. "So, the show isn't a total hoax?" Yuki asked.

Kyo shrugged. "Who knows? She ain't saying. She just gives those weird answers that don't really answer anything and says creepy stuff about waves. She and that Scottish guy, though, Tohru thinks they might be getting pretty serious. The guy's either coming to visit Hanajima or she's flying to see him. They do that Skype computer chatting stuff all the time. It's... why it was so easy to... let Tohru's condition get by her. If it had been a few years ago, we couldn't have pulled it off."

At least Hanajima had an international affair to use as an excuse.

"What happened to that thing Hanajima used to have for Master Kazuma?" Yuki asked, his tone teasing. He felt more than saw Kyo shudder.

"Don't talk about that Rat; you'll make me lose my appetite."

Yuki certainly didn't want to do that. Kyo didn't have enough appetite to lose.

A small yellow timer shaped like an egg began to cluck; the egg opened, shell peeling back to reveal a tiny yellow chick flapping its little wings. "Cluck, cluck, cluck!"

Yuki chuckled as Kyo ducked his head in shame and slid off the counter to silence the chick. Yuki noticed that Kyo still did not wear an apron, but he'd donned large blue and yellow knitted oven mitts covered with baby chicks and bunnies.

Kyo opened the oven and pulled out the oven rack to remove a cookie sheet full of fat, gooey cinnamon buns dribbling butter and glistening with brown sugar. Yuki's mouth watered and his stomach grumbled. He'd only had a cup of coffee and a banana before running out to pick up Hanajima. Kyo set the cookie sheet on the stove.

"Hey, close the oven and turn it off for me," Kyo called over his shoulder. He moved to a covered bowl of cream cheese frosting and removed the wrapping.

Yuki carefully shut the oven door and whirled the dial from 350 to "off".

"Yankee texted after you left. She and Kureno are about 2 hours from here. Tohru wants to take them all out to lunch," Kyo said as he slapped thick globs of icing onto the center of each bun. The icing began to melt, covering the face of each pastry and spilling over the sides.

"All right," Yuki said, eyes only for the pastries.

Kyo sighed and Yuki tore his eyes from the buns to his cousin. His entire composure was slumped. "Can you take them? The temple called, they want to go over some details later today."

The temple? The temple for the funeral? "Kyo, I'll go. You go to lunch," Yuki said quickly. "Just... just tell me what all needs to be done."

A glob of icing hit the floor by Kyo's foot. "I don't know what all needs to be done. I'm going so they can tell me. There's ceremony and procedure and things that have to be done right, if she's-gonna die at home. I know she wants her ashes to be buried next to Miss Kyoko, and she wants to build her own shrine, next to Miss Kyoko's, in the living room."

Kyo looked down at the icing he'd dropped as if it were a foreign substance. He turned for a paper towel but Yuki beat him to it.

"I got it, Kyo. You can sit down; I'll put the icing on those." Yuki touched Kyo's rigid shoulders and eased the small white spatula from his fingers. Kyo's bangs fell into his eyes as he rolled his head forward.

"Okay." Kyo moved like a zombie back to the kitchen island and boosted himself atop it again. Yuki watched him a moment, then stuck the spatula into the thick icing and scooped out a sample. He tried to do it as Kyo had, and placed a dollop of it onto a hot bun. It was messy and misshapen, dribbling over only one side instead of all over as it had with Kyo's. Damn. Why couldn't he ever get anything in the kitchen right?

Kyo snorted. "You didn't get enough on there."

Yuki scooped more out and put it on the bun. This time the icing didn't melt at all; it sat obstinately atop the already melted icing. Yuki growled and Kyo laughed. "Not on the same one, Rat. Just spread the icing around and try again on a new bun."

Yuki smacked the spatula down on the icing blob to flatten it and spread it over the pastry. He eyed the ones Kyo had done, noting that his stuck out like a sore thumb. He tried again on another bun, this time dolling a generous helping of icing on the bun. The mound dribbled and oozed over the pastry and created a creamy moat around it. This one would stick to the cookie sheet when it cooled.

Kyo continued to laugh. "Third time's the charm."

"Oh, watch this one fall on the floor," Yuki grunted, but couldn't keep back a smile at Kyo's laughter. He scooped out another helping of icing and dropped it in the center of a bun. The cream cheese melted evenly, spreading over the center of the pastry and folding neatly over the sides. Perfect. "Kyo, did you see?" Yuki looked over at his cousin to find the ex-Cat staring out of the bay window. The blinds were up and the curtains were open. It was partly cloudy outside, a nice day for a walk or to have a meal on an outdoor patio. A few people were out jogging. The man with his miniature Akita crossed the street.

"None of that's going to stop next month. She'll be gone, and after a few days, it'll be like nothing happened for the rest of them. I'll look out this window, and Noriko and Kano will be out jogging and Mr. Todo will be walking his dog. It's kind of funny how something that means the end of the world for you can mean nothing to somebody else." Kyo popped his knuckles.

Yuki turned away from Kyo, going back to icing buns. What could he say to that? How could he make Kyo feel better, when he knew that what he'd said was right? When Tohru died, Yuki would stay for a week, maybe two or three, but then he'd have to go home. At home, there was Machi and his career, and a future wedding to plan and a house to buy. His world would not end, but he wasn't going to make a speech about moving on when the time was right. If he was in Kyo's position he'd probably punch someone who tried to tell him that.

"So." Kyo's voice was very loud to Yuki as he concentrated on getting just the right amount of icing on the last two buns. "Will you take them to lunch while I go to the temple?"

"Do you really want to go by yourself?" Yuki asked.

"Someone needs to be with Tohru at lunch. I don't want Hanajima or that Yankee asking her hard questions without someone to protect her. You can do that."

"Who's going to protect you?" Yuki hadn't meant to ask that aloud. He stilled, listening for Kyo's reaction. He heard fabric shifting, but not the sound of feet hitting the floor.

"I told Tohru I had to run over to the dojo to do something this afternoon. She doesn't know where I'm really going, and we're keeping it that way. I'm gonna need to borrow my car from you. You guys take Kureno and Uotani's car to lunch."

The last bun was iced and Yuki stood back to admire his work, ignoring the first two he'd done. He patted his pocket for Kyo's keys and held them out to his cousin.

Kyo slid off the counter, snagging his keys from Yuki's fist. "Thanks." His eyes and tone said the "thanks" was for more than just the keys.

"Next time you do something big, I come with you," Yuki said firmly, staring hard into Kyo's eyes, daring him to say anything negative.

Kyo blinked and nodded once. "Y-yeah." He patted Yuki's shoulder awkwardly and strode out of the kitchen into the living room. "Yo, Hanajima," Yuki heard him say, sounding so normal and inviting.

He sighed and touched a finger to a sticky bun. The warm icing covered his fingertip and he pulled it away to suck on it. The confection coated his tongue, tasting of sweetened cream, butter and vanilla with a taint of cinnamon, delicious. He lifted the hot bun he'd touched, placing it in the palm of one hand. The soft pastry burned his palm, but the pain was welcome, distracting.

Slowly, he made his way back into the living room and sat, listening to Kyo lie about the budget meeting he was going to that afternoon at the dojo as Hanajima and Tohru nodded along.

* * *

 

~*~

"Yuki, you look good." Kureno gave Yuki a superficial hug that lasted all of a second. Yuki nodded at his older cousin. He hardly knew Kureno; Akito had kept him away from everyone during the days of the curse, and after the curse had ended, Kureno had run off with Uotani. Yuki felt awkward standing there, exchanging pleasantries the way he would with a stranger with someone who supposed to be family.

"Uh, you look good, too," Yuki said. Kureno smiled at him. He was nearly a head taller than Yuki, and was good-looking as all Sohmas were. His dark red hair was neat and orderly and his clothes were tidy and well matched. Uotani was his perfect opposite. She came to lean against Kureno dressed in a tank top, blue jean jacket and low rise jeans that showed a strip of flesh below her navel. Her light brown hair was pulled up in a high, spiky ponytail and her ears glistened with silver studs.

"Yo, Prince. You grew some more since I last saw ya." She reached out to shake Yuki's hand like a Westerner. Her grip was strong and her hand was rough. "Hana and Orangery inside?"

"Hello, Miss Uotani."

"Ah, stop it with that Miss Uotani crap. Me and Kureno here are gonna tie the knot someday. Call me Arisa." Her brown eyes were steady and clear as they looked him over. "Orangey's been taking care of Tohru okay?"

Yuki blinked at her. She was still the hard-edged girl from high school, one who was fiercely protective of Tohru and ready to fight her enemies, but there was something new in those eyes as well, something tortured.

"Yes, of course he has," Yuki said, surprised at his tone. He hadn't meant that to come out so harshly, but he didn't like Uotani accusing Kyo of not being good to Tohru.

Uotani blinked and quirked a bitter smile. "Yeah, I figured he was. That guy's head over heels." Uotani bit her lip, eyes closing, her expression becoming an angry scowl. "It ain't fair. She's the best of any of us and she never catches a break. Her dad, then Miss Kyoko, her family was shitty to her, and now this."

Kureno wrapped his arms around Uotani's waist and pulled her against his body. He didn't say anything, just held her. Uotani's expression smoothed and her eyes opened, once again clear and steady. "How's she look?"

"Good, she looks good," Yuki said. He didn't want to describe her short hair or her skinny arms and thin face. "She's in the kitchen making tea. There are cinnamon rolls and cookies, and we'll go out for lunch later."

Uotani snorted. "It's just like her, you know, smothering problems with food and taking care of other people." Uotani marched toward the house without waiting for Yuki to lead her in or looking behind her to see if Yuki or Kureno were following her.

Yuki looked to see Kureno popping the trunk of the Honda Civic sedan he'd parked in the driveway and removing two rolling suitcases. Yuki took one and Kureno closed the trunk.

"How is Kyo?" Kureno asked as he released the latch to let the black handle to a suitcase out. Yuki mimicked his actions, also letting out the handle on the suitcase he'd taken.

"He's... trying to do a lot of things on his own," Yuki said. He and Kureno pulled the suitcases toward the open back door. Yuki heard the voices of the three women inside drifting from the kitchen. Uotani's tone was teasing and Tohru was laughing. Hanajima's voice was haunting as usual, but there was an amused undertone to it.

"He's not letting you help any?" Kureno asked.

Yuki sighed. "He is and he isn't, but I guess he's doing a lot better than I would be."

"I can't even begin to imagine."

They crossed the threshold with the bags. Yuki removed his shoes at the door, wrinkling his nose to see that Uotani hadn't done the same. She still wore her black tennis shoes. Yuki closed the door behind Kureno.

"Yo, Kureno, we get a guest room to ourselves. Ain't this the Ritz?" Uotani laughed. She had her arms around Tohru and Yuki smiled at the girls. He saw a flash of them in high school, huddled together for a picture on the class trip to Kyoto. That had been so much fun.

"I'll put your suitcases in the room. Go sit down, have some tea or a cookie, I know you're probably tired from your drive," Yuki said to Kureno. He and Uotani had driven non-stop from Sendai and Kureno had bags under his eyes.

Kureno stretched and smiled at Yuki. He approached Uotani and Tohru and bowed slightly. "Hello Miss Tohru."

"Hello Mr. Kureno," Tohru said. She tried to step away from Uotani so that she could bow back to Kureno, but Uotani held her, tickling her stomach.

"Tohru! He's gonna be my husband, you can't call him mister! That makes him sound old, and people will think I have a sugar daddy or something. Hell, you're married to Orangey; Kureno here's family on both sides to you."

Tohru blushed and sputtered as Uotani tossed her head back and laughed. Hanajima shook her head and finished off a cinnamon roll. Yuki wondered how many she was planning to eat, that had probably been her 6th. Though Yuki could not talk, he'd eaten 8. Tohru had stretched out more dough to make more for them.

Yuki was going to have to have his clothes let out. Machi might not recognize him next time she saw him.

"Where's Orangey?" Uotani's voice boomed throughout the house as Yuki wheeled both suitcases to the second guest room. He clicked on the light and smiled at the new red comforter on the queen-sized Western bed and the matching red curtains they'd helped Tohru pick out that weekend. The lamps on the two bedside tables had silver brass poles and red shams that glowed like lit candles when the bulbs beneath them were turned on. A handmade card sat in the center of the bed next to a single rose.

_Greetings Friends_ , it read.

That annoying sting came to his eye again as he blinked rapidly. Tohru really was the best of them. He set the suitcases inside the walk-in closet, leaving the door open so that Uotani and Kureno would be able to see them when they entered.

Yuki heard the party move into the living room. Uotani was doing most of the talking. She seemed to be telling a rousing story that earned some embarrassed grunts and groans from Kureno. Yuki entered the room just as she was finishing and the girls erupted into pearls of laughter. Uotani held a mug of tea in one hand and a large flower-shaped snicker doodle in the other. Tohru sat next to her with Hanajima on the other side. Kureno sat in an armchair, smiling through heavy-lidded eyes. He looked be falling asleep. A cup of tea sat on a coaster on the coffee table in front of him and he nibbled a bee-shaped snicker doodle.

Yuki came to sit on the small divan across from the couch Tohru, Uotani and Hanajima occupied.  The girls all looked at him, and Yuki gulped. Uotani was beaming at him, Tohru wore her soft smile, and Hanajima's eyes were piercing.

"Uh..." Yuki stammered.

"So, Yuki, when are we gonna to hear wedding bells you for and that Machi girl from high school? Rumor tree says you all are shacking up," Uotani said, leaning forward.

Yuki choked. Shacking up? Who said things like that? "I... We don't live together, but..."

"I bet she's got a key to your place and lets herself in, in the middle of the night," Uotani continued. "Tohru, I thought you taught him better manners than that!"

Tohru giggled. "Yuki-kun is a perfect gentleman, Uo-chan."

Yuki wanted to melt into the upholstery. Were they really talking about this, and in front of Kureno? The soft snores from his right told him that he didn't really need to worry about Kureno so much, after all.

"So what if Machi comes over when she wants. She is my fiancé and what we do is none of your business... Arisa." Yuki gave her a stern look.

Uotani grinned. "You really did grow up, Prince. So, you guys have a date in mind?"

Yuki shook his head. "I don't want to announce anything or my brother will be all over me trying to make plans and build dresses."

"Build?" Hanajima asked.

"You guys remember my brother? He gets a little...overzealous." An understatement if he'd ever heard one.

Uotani laughed. "Oh yeah, I remember Cinderella. Hana, I still can't believe you agreed to be Cinderella."

Hanajima smiled. "The experience was memorable. I love sharing stories like that with Gavin. Thank you for sending me that video of the performance, Uo-chan. Without it he wouldn't have believed me."

"The best character was Prince Un-Charming, though. I can't believe Orangey bailed before I got here to rag on him." Uotani dunked her cookie in her tea. She bit off a big chunk of it and her eyes went wide. "Damn, this is a good cookie. Great job Tohru!"

Tohru grinned. "Kyo-chan made those."

"No shit? Orangey bakes cookies?" Uotani crowed like the rooster Kureno used to be.

"And bread and sticky buns, and cakes," Yuki added as Uotani laughed.

"Does he wear a frilly apron like Tohru?"

"No, Kyo-chan won't wear an apron," Tohru said. "He would rather do two-times the laundry. I told him there are aprons without ruffles or pictures, but he just grunts and goes on about his day."

Uotani snickered and finished her cookie. "He's such a man. Kureno wears an apron when he cooks."

"Gavin wears one, too," Hanajima said. "He's an okay cook, but the best things he makes are...."

"Reservations," Uotani finished. "Gavin is a nice guy. You two thinking about tying the knot?"

Hanajima shrugged, smiling to herself. "He has to ask first."

"Oh Hana-chan!" Tohru clapped her hands. "You'll be so beautiful. You should let Ayame-kun and Miss Mine make your dress. You loved your Cinderella dress. They would have so much fun."

"Hm... that's a thought. That dress was nice. I wonder how they'd dress my bridesmaids. Tohru, black wouldn't suit you..." Hanajima trailed off, eyes going wide as she looked away from Tohru. She sipped her tea.

The silence that followed was deafening.

"No, black really isn't my color," Tohru said softly. "But you don't wear so much black anymore, do you? Maybe your dress could be red?"

Hanajima blinked a few times and cleared her throat. "Uh...yes, yes it could be red. Gavin likes red."

Uotani frowned. "Look, just look... Tohru, you don't look like you're...you're dying. What other options did the docs give you? I read up online about all sorts of cancer hospitals that take people with Stage 4 cancer and get them in remission in weeks! They do all sorts of experimental stuff and people waltz right outta the hospital to live 30 more years and have a bunch of kids. We should be taking you to Switzerland or somewhere. Dammit, you have the money!"

"Uo-chan, we-we tried everything. There's nothing else, but experimental treatment. But-but they told us about all the bad things that could happen. They didn't lie to us. There is a very good chance that none of it would work, and it would make me very sick, and very weak. I don't want to live in the hospital, and I don't want my husband, or you, or anyone else to remember me like that. I want to have fun and cook, and see places."

"But you can do all that when you get better! What if you're passing up a chance to get better just because you're afraid it won't work? You have to fight, Tohru!" Uotani set her tea down hard, the dark liquid spilled onto the coffee table. She took Tohru's shoulders. "I don't want to sit and drink tea and talk about Hana's wedding like you aren't gonna be there. You're gonna be there. You'll be there for my wedding, and Prince's wedding, too. We just-we just have to get you cured."

"Uo-chan, Kyo and I... we-we were like you, too. We thought we were going to beat

it, but we just didn't win. We lost, Uo-chan. We've already shouted and cried and now, we're living. Please, I want you here; I want to have fun with you and to laugh and talk about things we used to do. But you can't talk like that-not where Kyo-chan can hear you. We've come too far to be set back."

"I can't believe Orangey's just giving up, just letting you give up!" Uotani was on her feet, her eyes bright. "How many opinions have you had, huh?"

"Multiple," said Tohru. "We've been to so many doctors, specialists. The hospital called in specialists." Tears coursed down Tohru's cheeks and Yuki felt anger building inside him. Uotani was upset, of course she was; she had every right to be. She wasn't to the level of acceptance Tohru and Kyo had reached; none of them were because Tohru and Kyo had dealt with this for months, whereas the rest of them had only had days. But that was no reason for her to yell at Tohru, or make Tohru cry.

Yuki rose to his feet and stopped Uotani's pacing by taking her hand. "Arisa, maybe you should lie down. You're tired from your trip."

"I don't want to lie down." Uotani slapped his hand away and glared at him. " You're okay with this, Prince? You're cool just sitting here playing house when time is ticking away, time that a real doctor could look at Tohru and say, "Oh hey, we haven't tried this..." and get her better is slipping right by us?"

Yuki's insides turned. Uotani could be right. There were break-through's every day in cancer treatment. He'd read about the miracles online. Tohru was such a good person; she deserved a miracle-but a miracle wasn't what she wanted right now. She wanted peace. Yuki had promised to respect her wishes.

"Arisa, Tohru told you what she wanted. Please stop disrespecting her in her home," Yuki said. He gazed over at Kureno. How was his cousin sleeping through this?

"I'm disrespecting her? I seem to be the only person here who wants her to live!"

Yuki jumped back as Hanajima suddenly appeared beside him. She slapped Uotani and glared at her, her own eyes bright.

"Don't you ever say that again," Hanajima said, her voice shaky and threatening to crack. Yuki blinked, never having heard such emotion from Hanajima. "You are not the only person who loves Tohru. She is in pain and has suffered so much. You can't feel her like I do."

"Oh Hana-chan." Tohru sounded devastated. Her small hands were over her mouth and her eyes were red. "Oh Hana-chan, I didn't think about that. I'm so sorry."

"No." Hanajima sat down beside Tohru again, putting her arms around the smaller woman and holding her. "Don't be sorry Tohru. I'm here for this, to share your feelings."

Tohru sobbed and Hanajima stroked her hair.

Uotani watched them both, her expression stricken. Yuki remained in place, ready to pounce on Uotani if she started in on Tohru again. Uotani's eyes were steel. She stalked out of the room, heading for the front door. She let herself out. Yuki could see her through the large picture window, walking through the front yard. She pulled a small package from her pocket and extracted something from it. When he saw the flicker of a flame, he realized it was a cigarette.

He wasn't surprised Uotani smoked, but he had never seen her do it before. He watched her a moment longer, then looked back at the young women on the couch, one holding the other. Yuki pulled Tohru's afghan off the back of the couch and draped it over her. Hanajima looked up at him, her eyes weary and full of grief and Yuki offered her a smile.

"I can get some leftovers out of the fridge. I don't think we'll be going out for lunch."

Hanajima nodded.

Yuki went into the kitchen and boosted himself onto the counter island, sitting as Kyo had that morning and praying that Kyo would return soon.

 

 

 

* * *

 

Houston, Whitney and CeCe Winans. "Count On Me."  _Waiting to Exhale_. Arista, 1995. CD.

 


	8. "She's So Beautiful"

Lunch was awkward.

Tohru reheated a noodle dish brought by one of the neighbors and Yuki helped her plate and serve it to a silent Hanajima, a fidgeting Uotani and an uncomfortable Kureno. They sat around the table staring at each other and picking at the noodles with plastic yellow chopsticks. Each chopstick had a word printed on it in curly white script. Yuki's said:  _Enjoy_.

Enjoy.

Yuki sipped the broth from his wide bowl and kept himself from making a face. It was too salty.

"So...uh... where'd Orangey go again?" Uotani asked. Her voice was gruff, but she tried to smile.

"He had a meeting at the dojo," Tohru said. Her eyes lit up, as they always did when she got to talk about Kyo. "He's so diligent. There's a tournament coming up next month, and his students are doing so well."

"Ah, I'm sure Mr. Kazuma is very proud of him," Hanajima said. She stirred the noodles and sampled a few. Apparently, her taste buds and Yuki's were not in agreement as she continued to eat while he contemplated finishing off the last of the cookies in place of lunch.

"Well-he hasn't really spoken to Master Kazuma in a while, but I know he would be," Tohru said. She looked a bit hesitant. "Um... how is your new house, Uo-chan?"

"It's good," Uotani said. She stared at her food.

"Are you going to have a house warming party?" Hanajima asked. "I haven't once been invited to your new home since you moved in, and you two have had 2 months to make it nice and cozy."

"Aw, Hana, we still got crap everywhere. Who knew two people could have so much stuff, right?" Uotani said. She looked up from her meal at Hanajima and then finally at Tohru. "But uh... you know, we'll have that party soon, really soon."

"Oh, Uo-chan, I can help you decorate and Kyo-chan and I will make the food. It'll be wonderful," Tohru said, smile on full blast.

"You don't have to do all that, Tohru. You know me, I don't really go for decorations, and I'll just order some sushi or something. I mean, who do I know to invite anyway? It'll probably just be us, and a few people from work. Kureno, you got any special people you'd invite?"

Kureno shrugged. "Not really." His mouth was full. Yuki looked to see that he'd finished most of his food.

"None of that wacky family of yours?-oh, no offense Prince," Uotani said.

"I was never really too close to any of them, except maybe one, and even then...." Kureno shook his head. "I might invite my boss and his wife, but if we do that, we need to have more than sushi from the corner shop to serve."

Yuki frowned, wondering if Kureno had been talking about Akito. He couldn't see Shigure being too thrilled with Kureno inviting Akito to a special function, even if it was just a housewarming party. The bitter blood between those two still hadn't sweetened. Though, Yuki wondered, why Shigure didn't put the blame more on Akito. Back in those days, all the Sohmas had done what Akito wanted.

"You see, Uo-chan," Tohru said. "You should let The Rice Ball cater your party."

"That's right, and you'll get a discounted fee of course... though we might have to tack on long distance traveling expenses," Yuki said.

Tohru laughed, before exclaiming, "Yuki-kun!"

"Well, I am going to be handling the figures for The Rice Ball full-time," Yuki said matter-of-factly.  "I'm always going to push for more profit, and more advertising. Say, Uotani, why don't you invite  _your_  boss and Kureno, have your boss invite some of his friends. Once they taste the food, they may want to hire The Rice Ball for their events, too."

Tohru grinned at him. "You're really getting into it. I-I wasn't sure if you'd really want to, and I'm glad."

Yuki touched her hand. "Good."

"So, you're business partners with the Prince?" Uotani asked.

Tohru nodded. "Yuki's going to help Kyo with The Rice Ball. He's excellent with accounting and making things sell. He's so good that his boss is okay with him doing some of his work from here on his laptop, so that he can stay with us for a while."

Uotani's eyes darkened and she went back to looking at her food. The table was quiet except for the sound of noodles being slurped and tea being sipped, so no one missed the sound of Kyo's car entering the driveway.

Tohru all but leapt from her seat. "Oh, Kyo's back!" She dashed to the stove to spoon food into a new bowl for him; then frowned, staring into the pot. "He won't eat this at all." She padded to the fridge in her soft slippers and rummaged through other leftovers.

The garage door closed, but after 5 minutes, Kyo had not entered. Tohru was too lost in trying to decide what to prepare for Kyo to notice. Yuki stood and pushed his chair under the table. "I'm going to see if Kyo needs help with something."

Kureno wiped his mouth on a napkin and made to rise, too.

"It's okay," Yuki said, touched by Kureno's gesture. "I'm sure we can handle it on our own, but I'll come back in if we need your help."

Kureno nodded and sat back. Uotani raised a brow at him and offered a smirk and Kureno nudged her with his elbow.

Yuki opened the back door and ventured to the unattached garage. The door was unlocked, so he stepped inside to find Kyo sitting in his car. The motor was off; the windows were rolled up. Yuki moved toward it and knocked on the driver's side window.

Kyo started, turning his head to glimpse Yuki and Yuki felt his chest tighten. Kyo was pale as death with dark circles under red-rimmed eyes. He shook his head at Yuki and waved him away before resting his face on the steering wheel. Yuki pressed a palm against the glass; then walked around the passenger side. The door was unlocked, as he knew it would be. Kyo and Tohru never locked anything. He pulled the door open and slipped inside the car.

"Dammit Rat. Leave me alone for a little while. I'll come in later." Kyo's voice was unsteady and rough as if he needed to clear his throat.

"What happened?" Yuki pressed. He knew he should have gone to the temple with Kyo, but at the same time, he didn't regret not leaving Tohru with Uotani and Hanajima.

"Nothing," Kyo said. "I just need to get my head around a few things. I'll be inside in a little bit. Go on."

"Kyo, you know I'm not leaving," Yuki said. Tentatively, he touched Kyo's shoulder. His cousin was so tense and rigid. "What do you need to get your head around?"

Kyo let out a moan that scared Yuki to his core. My gods... what kind of a noise was that? It sounded like something inside him was dying and screaming for help, like someone was torturing him and he was begging to die; it sounded like the end of everything.

Kyo began to shake so hard Yuki was afraid he would rattle his teeth loose and his breathing, which had been soft and even, became great gasps. Yuki moved over in his seat until he was pressed against the armrest between the driver's and passenger's seats and wrapped his arms around Kyo, tugging him away from the steering wheel. Kyo sagged in Yuki's arms, still gasping and shaking.

Yuki rocked his cousin. "It's okay. I swear it's gonna be okay."

"Nothing's okay. Yuki..." Kyo sobbed. "She can't die at home. I know she wants to and we agreed, but she can't. I can't-I can't deal with it! I won't be able to live here."

"Oh...."

Yuki stared through the windshield at the tool rack mounted against the wall in front of the car. Oh. What could he say? He wouldn't be able to live in a home Machi had died in either, but if it was what Tohru wanted....

"When she dies... I have to... her body has to be washed and then I have to...to put cotton in her... Oh gods.... I can't do that. I don't even think I want to be in the same room with her after she's dead. I don't even think I can go to the ceremony. I don't want to be there. How do I tell her?"

Yuki stroked Kyo's hair off his forehead. "You don't have to tell her anything. You're just-it's so scary to think about now, but you will be at her ceremony, and after watching you this past week I know that you can do anything that needs to be done. But every now and then, it's okay to break down. It's all right."

Kyo sobs turned into mournful cries. "Why is this happening to us? Everything sucked for us for so long and now that we're happy...this."

Yuki continued to rock with Kyo, finger-combing his hair, but saying nothing. It was better to let Kyo talk. These were probably things he'd never said aloud to anyone, maybe not even himself.

They sat in the car for what seemed like a very long time, before Kyo's desperate cries became soft sighs and hiccups. Tears of his own had rolled down Yuki's cheeks and dribbled into Kyo's hair.

"I think I'd like to call Master today," Kyo said, his voice almost foreign to Yuki's ears. "I need his advice."

"Okay," Yuki said. "I'll call Hatori, too. He'll... I bet he can... do some of the things you talked about. You won't have to."

Kyo nodded, the back of his head brushing Yuki's chin.

"Everyone's in the kitchen. We can go through the front door if you want to sneak in and wash your face," Yuki said. He loosened his arms around Kyo, but didn't move away from him.

Kyo sniffled. "Yeah. That'd be-that'd be good." He shifted in Yuki's arms, rolling his shoulders and grunting as they cracked. Yuki grimaced; he'd always hated the sound of popping joints.

Yuki released Kyo and nearly grunted himself as the pressure from being in such an ungainly position was relieved. He placed his head on the headrest and shut his eyes. "Uotani's not too happy about what's going on with Tohru."

"How so?" Kyo asked. He coughed to clear his throat and scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands.

"She thinks Tohru should try experimental treatment. Things are a little cold and very awkward inside."

Kyo palmed the steering wheel. "How's Tohru?"

"She's hurt, but she's making the best of it. Uotani might come around, but I wanted to let you know the tone of the house before you went in."

Kyo mimicked Yuki's posture, leaning back in his chair and letting his head fall on the headrest. "Maybe she won't stay long, then."

"I doubt she will," Yuki said.

"Then Hatori or somebody can have the other guest room. It works out in the end, huh?" Kyo gave a humorless smile and Yuki heard the click of the driver's side door being opened. Kyo got out, stretching his body like a large feline and gazing at the garage door with heavy eyes. "You think you can carry me inside. I'm so tired."

Yuki got out of the car as well, closing the door and coming around to Kyo. He wrapped an arm around his cousin's slender shoulders. "I can't carry you, but you can lean on me. Come on, Cat."

Kyo snorted and while he didn't lean any weight on Yuki, he didn't shrug off his arm either. They left the garage and headed to the front of the house.

* * *

 

~*~

Kyo might have washed his face but nothing could wash the defeat from his demeanor. He gave Uotani and Kureno a lackluster greeting and held Tohru's hand whenever she came close enough to touch. They all sat around the kitchen table; all of the bowls of udon were gone and a big plate of fish and plain rice was set before Kyo.

Tohru kept glancing at Yuki, her big brown eyes asking, "What's wrong with Kyo?"

Would telling her be out of line? Kyo wouldn't be happy about it, but he should be able to tell Tohru how frightened he was of having her die at home.

"So Orangey, how many students you got with black belts already?" Uotani asked.

Kyo looked up from his plate. "Ten. We got 7 first degrees, and 3 second degrees. I think Sei may be ready to test for third degree in a few more months."

"Ooh, really?" Tohru clapped her hands. "She's so cool. Does she still have a crush on Ryu-kun?"

Kyo smirked. "And does he still not know it? Yes. She asked him out on a date, and he invited his friends and his sister, thinking it was an outing."

Tohru and Yuki laughed.

"We'll have to do something about that Kyo-chan. We'll set them up at The Rice Ball." Tohru's cheeks flushed a healthy pink. "We'll have to make sure Sayu-chan's not working that day, though, because she'll tease Ryu-kun."

"Who's Sayu?" asked Uotani.

"She's Ryu-kun's twin sister."

"And she works at your bakery?" Kureno asked.

"She  _and_  Ryu-kun work there, and they both train at Kyo's dojo. In fact, Kyo-chan was the one who asked me if I could use two good workers a summer ago, and now I've got Ryu-kun and Sayu-chan. I could leave the shop in their care for months and come back to find it just fine."

"Well, you could leave it in Sayu's care for months; Ryu by himself?" Kyo shook his head.

"He's a sweet young man," Tohru assured Uotani, Hanajima and Kureno.

Kyo snorted and picked at his food.

"You don't like it?" Tohru asked. She was already taking the plate away from him. "I'll just make you something, Baby."

"Hey, no, it was fine. I'll eat it," Kyo said, reaching for the plate, but Tohru took it to the sink to scrape down the disposal.

"How about a panini? I'm in the mood to make brushetta, oh-and I need to get out that bass you brought home yesterday and start marinating it. Oh Kyo-chan, you almost let me forget."

Kyo watched her with a soft expression in his eyes. The weariness that hung on his frame from earlier lessened. "I did, huh? Sorry about that. You want me to help with the marinade?"

"No, but I do have a shopping list for the sauce. I forgot a few things that I need," Tohru said. Kyo rose from his chair to join her at the sink.

"Hm... you want me to get it later on, or is going in the morning okay?" Kyo asked. He leaned close to her and Yuki smiled at their juxtaposition: tall and fiery, tiny and fluffy.

"It's okay, Kyo-chan. You shouldn't go out again today; you look tired," Tohru stood on her tiptoes to brush aside the hair that had fallen over his eyes. "Are you okay?"

Kyo nodded, kissing her fine-boned hand as she ran it over his face and against his lips.

Yuki tore his eyes away from Tohru to study how Uotani and Hanajima watched the exchange between Kyo and Tohru. Hanajima wore a light smile, but Uotani chewed her lip, seeming agitated. Kureno watched her, looking ready to hold her in place should she move too suddenly.

"Tohru," Uotani said, her voice odd. "I think... I think that Kureno and I are gonna leave tomorrow."

Yuki stared from her to Tohru who had turned to face Uotani. Her eyes were wide, filling with tears, but that understanding smile was on her lips. "Oh... well, that's all right Uo-chan. I'm glad that you came and stayed for a little while, but I'm sure you and Kureno are busy with work."

Uotani cleared her throat, keeping her eyes on her hands. "I'll... call, a lot. I just... I'm sorry, but I don't agree with what's going on here. I can't see how any of you can stand it. Kyon, you can't stand it at all, can ya? Look at you; you look like shit! I'd think you were the one dying."

Kyo glared at Uotani. In a voice hard as diamond, he said, "I think you'd better leave tonight instead of in the morning."

Uotani met Kyo's gaze and held it. "Tell me why you're not making her...."

"I said you better leave tonight!"

"Kyo-chan, please don't be angry. We can't expect everyone to understand. I'm all right if Uo-chan chooses to leave." Tohru rubbed Kyo's shoulders from behind. Kyo stood still, red eyes still glaring at Uotani.

Uotani vacated her chair, nodding rapidly. "Okay, all right Kyon. I'll leave right now. Being here is making me sick, too. Come on Kureno. I'll drive. You can sleep in the car."

Kureno watched her stalk toward the second guest bedroom, presumably to get their things. He shook his head and rose, bowing to Kyo and Tohru. "I apologize. I'll talk to her...."

"No, she should go," Kyo said, his mouth a thin, pressed line.

"But surely..." Kureno began, but quieted as Kyo turned around to poke Tohru's forehead.

"All right Rice Ball, so where's this grocery list. I want to see what all I need to get; maybe I will go back out today after all."

"O-oh," Tohru stammered. "Well, okay. Let me find where I put it."

Kureno looked around, not knowing what to do. He frowned at Yuki and gestured that he wanted to go into the other room. Yuki followed his older cousin, leaving Hanajima at the kitchen table by herself.

Kureno sighed and wrung his hands. "Yuki, she's sick over this. Last night she cried herself to sleep in my arms. She wants to be here with Tohru. I think... Maybe she would have accepted it better if Tohru looked really ill. Seeing her seem so normal, I guess, makes Arisa think that Tohru can get better. I mean, there really isn't any chance that she might seek another opinion and start a new treatment plan? I'm sure Hatori has many connections."

Yuki shook his head. "She's decided, and Kyo's standing by her."

Kureno ran a hand through his dark red hair. "She's so young; they both are. It's too much to handle. Kyo really does look terrible, Yuki. Is Tohru sure that Kyo agrees with her decision to stop seeking treatment?"

"Kyo wants what Tohru wants in the end. He wants her to be happy and, to make things clear, Tohru's not refusing further treatment; she's refusing to be experimented on. As for actual treatment, they've exhausted all of their options." Yuki's voice was cool. He never wanted anyone to think Tohru was giving up and that Kyo-and Yuki-were letting her.

"I suppose. I mean, it's not my body and I cannot say how I'd ever feel in a position I've never been in. But if I thought there was anything more I could do to spare Arisa pain...."

"But if she's in pain watching you in so much pain?" Yuki asked.

"But when I was better, the pain would pass."

"And if you didn't get better, if you got worse because of the experiment, or it just didn't work, would you want your lover's last memories to be of your suffering. Do you want them to remember you looking withered and gray and half out-of-it?" Yuki asked. "Just yesterday, Kyo and Tohru were gardening together, before that they were on the beach, splashing each other. Kyo's going to remember his wife looking rosy and happy. He's going to remember hearing her laugh and feeling her kiss him and hold him as a lover. I..." Heaven forbid anything happen to himself or Machi, but he'd want to be remembered that way, and he'd want to always think of Machi's smiling face instead of her face set in a grimace of pain. "I'd want that."

_I'd curl up and die after, but I'd die happy that I made her happy one last time_.

Kureno blinked a few times, assessing Yuki as if he'd never seen him before until then. "Hn. Well. I didn't think of it that way."

"Because you don't have to," Yuki said. "Like you said, you can't easily imagine yourself in a position you've never been in. I've been here for a week. I watch them all the time. Kyo's dying inside just like she is and they're both keeping things from the other, but... when they laugh together, it's real. They're enjoying themselves the best they can."

Kureno reached out and squeezed Yuki's shoulder. "You're a good man for staying here. You love Tohru, too."

"Yes."

"And you're going to stay until she passes on?" Kureno asked.

Yuki nodded. "I'll stay after it, too. Kyo will still need me."

"I wish you and I had been closer," Kureno said. "I'm afraid the only person who would do something so self-sacrificing for me is Arisa. The only family member I was allowed close to was Akito, and she and I are estranged now. Shigure doesn't like me much."

"We could get closer," Yuki said with a shrug. "You know where I'll be for a while."

Kureno smiled at Yuki. "Yes, I do."

Kureno Sohma, a man who used to make him a little nervous, might become a friend. Yuki doubted he'd ever be as close to Kureno as he was to Kyo or Hatsuharu or Momiji, but it would be nice to have some sort of a relationship with this family member.

The door to the second guest room opened and Arisa came out pulling the rolling suitcases she and Kureno had brought with them. Kureno went to take the bags from her, but she smacked his hands away. She left through the backdoor without looking at or speaking to anyone. Kureno cleared his throat and walked back into the kitchen with Yuki behind him.

"Uh... I guess this is goodbye. Thank you for having us and for the meal, Tohru-kun and Kyo-kun."

Tohru bowed to Kureno. "You are very welcome, Kureno-kun. Please feel welcome in our home and return any time you'd like-and...and tell Uo-chan that I love her and that I'm sorry we couldn't agree."

Kureno nodded, bowing back to Tohru. "I wish you all the happiness there is to be found. Take care of yourselves."

Yuki walked with Kureno outside. Uotani had shoved the suitcases into the trunk and was already in the driver's seat of their sedan. Her hands covered her face, but her body didn't tremble. She might not be crying. The car's engine purred as it waited for gears to be shifted.

Kureno shook Yuki's hand Western-style. "Goodbye for now, Yuki. Take care of Kyo."

"I will," Yuki said.

Kureno glanced at the house once more and took a slow breath in; then he moved to the passenger side of the car. He waved as Uotani backed down the driveway and Yuki waved back.

Uotani's eyes met his and for a brief moment, they exchanged lines of silent communication.

_"Be good to Tohru."_

_"I will."_

When the car was gone, Yuki went back inside the house. Hanajima was now at the stove with Tohru as Tohru chirped about different spices and flavors. Her words were light and airy but with a hint of sadness. Her eyes kept drifting to the bay window as if she's see Uotani's car still out on the driveway.

Kyo sat on the kitchen counter, nibbling on a cookie. Yuki joined Kyo on the counter, grabbing a cookie of his own from a rabbit-shaped cookie jar by Kyo's thigh. "You going to the store today, Cat?"

Kyo shook his head. "It can wait until morning. I think I need to stay here for now."

They sat watching Tohru instruct Hanajima on the value of marinating meats overnight. Their little flower glowed as Hanajima nodded along.

"She's so beautiful."

"Yes, yes she is," Yuki said, and he was going to make sure Kyo remembered that every day long after she was gone.

Things were going to be okay; he'd sworn that they would be and Yuki Sohma was no liar.

"I'll go call Hatori, now," Yuki said.

"Tell him about the spare room."

 

 

* * *

 

Mars, Bruno. "Just the Way You Are."  _Doo - Wops & Hooligans_. Elektra/Asylum, 2010. CD.


	9. "And If I Should Ever Go Away"

Yuki stared at the caller ID as his cell phone rang: Ayame. Hatori must have told him already. Somehow, he'd thought after he'd broken the news to Hatori and told him it was all right to let the information trickle to everyone, his phone would explode with outraged calls demanding to know if it was true. The hour of silence was a bit strange and little unnerving, almost as if what was supposed to happen next was waiting on bated breath for an unknown signal to set itself off.

Yuki answered the phone on the 9th ring, before it went to voice mail. "Hello, Ni-san."

"Yuki... there you are dear Little Brother," his voice was muted and calm. "How are you?"

Yuki lay back on his bed; he'd shut himself up in his room to call Hatori and wait for "the backlash". "I'm all right considering. How are you?"

"Sick," Ayame said simply, "very, very sick at heart. Hatori told me something awful a little while ago, and that you've been helping to keep such information a secret. Why would you do that, Yuki? I know how much Tohru means to you. Who's there to look after you?"

Yuki blinked. He didn't always feel like it, but he loved his big, stupid brother, and how his love for Yuki trumped all things. Ayame dropped all matters to do what he thought Yuki needed him to.  _If only_... Yuki often thought...  _if only Ayame had his revelation when I was little and needed someone to hold my hand and love me and call me "honey" and "darling" like I mattered_.

"It's all right, Ayame. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I've been looking after Tohru and Kyo. I wish they hadn't kept how badly things were going a secret."

Kyo had meant to call Master Kazuma, but had fallen into an exhausted heap on the couch and hadn't stirred for three hours. Tohru sat on the couch beside him with his head in her lap.

"Kyo's falling apart, but trying so hard not to let Tohru see it's making it worse. He's going to make himself sick, I know it," Yuki said. "You should see how skinny and pale he is. Miss Uotani was here earlier and told him that he was the one who looked like he was terminally ill."

Yuki licked his dry lips, feeling pain and relief wash over him as he got to talk about the events of the day and how he felt. He usually only unleashed what was on his mind like this to Machi, but it seemed right to talk to Ayame. He wanted to be Yuki's overprotective big brother bear, and it was nice to get to indulge him. Sometimes, Yuki did randomly call Ayame to ask how things were going because he really wanted to know. Sometimes, Yuki liked when Ayame called just to prattle on about something silly, but utterly important to only Ayame, and maybe Mine. Mine was a strange one, and Yuki was glad that she and Ayame had found each other.

"Would you like for me to come?" Ayame asked. "I admit to not being very close to Kyonkichi, and that I haven't spoken to dear Tohru for a very long time, but I feel I should be there. I... It's silly, Yuki. I know you're an adult now, but I still feel like you are all too young to deal with this on your own."

Yuki's lungs constricted and he coughed lightly. Of course they were too young. Everyone kept pointing that out, even Yuki. "There's an extra room here, but Hatori's going to be using it. He's coming out tomorrow."

"Oh," Ayame said. His voice was neutral, but Yuki could sense his hurt.

"But... I've got a room to myself. If you'd like to come, you can share with me."

"Oh," Ayame said again, this time his tone warm. "Only if you think it wouldn't be terribly imposing. Tohru-kun and Kyonkichi have been very private."

"I don't think they would mind if you came with Hatori. They're expecting company now," Yuki said. "Tohru's friend, Saki Hanajima, is staying here as well."

"Well..." Ayame seemed to be thinking it over. "I suppose Hatori will have to make room in his car for me. I'll have to bring my supplies. I'll make Tohru the most grand and elegant gown for...." He trailed off.

Yuki broke the next silence. "That-that would actually be great, Ni-san. We-I don't know if Tohru and Kyo have even thought about what she'll... be buried in. I'm sure she'll love anything you make, and it's something else they won't have to deal with."

"O-oh? Well then, anything to make it easier for them. Is there anything else I can do?"

"Um..." Could Yuki ask him to be less annoying without hurting his feelings again? Ayame was infamous for being inadvertently rude to Kyo. "When you...ah... talk to Kyo...."

"I'll start by not calling him Kyonkichi," Ayame said and Yuki sighed in relief. Maybe Ayame understood; he really wasn't stupid at all just slow to notice things at times. He'd matured though, he was better at picking up on subtle cues; whether he chose to acknowledge them or not was always a question, but at least he noticed when others around him were irritated.

"That's a good start, Ni-san," Yuki said.

"Oh, I know, I'll help Tohru design her shrine," Ayame said. "It should be beautiful and very personal. Will the wake be held in their home?"

Yuki's stomach clenched. "Um... that was the original plan, but I don't know if Kyo will go through with it. He was like I'd never seen him before a little while ago when he talked about it. He'd just come back from the temple and they'd told him about the procedures he'd have to perform."

Ayame hummed, sounding sympathetic. "The poor boy-but Tori-san will be there, and he's familiar with the process. He's handled a few deaths of older family members that died at the Sohma complex. He can carry out the duties."

"Ni-san, Kyo doesn't want to be in a house Tohru died in. He told me," Yuki said; a dam had broken inside him. "But Tohru expects him to keep living here and taking care of her garden and bakery and shrine. I think she plans for him to remarry and bring his new bride to live in this house, too. It's-it's-I don't know what it is, but I know I wouldn't be able to do it."

"Then Kyo needs to talk to Tohru...."

"He won't! He's wearing himself out doing only what she wants. He's afraid that if he speaks out against something, Tohru will stop telling him what she really wants. And he's right, you remember how Tohru is, if she thinks she's inconveniencing someone she won't say another word against your wishes. I mean, no, she will not hesitate in telling me or someone else that she and Kyo are doing things their way and if we can't respect it, leave, but if Kyo objected?"

"But Yuki, this is a serious matter. Does Kyo plan to lie to Tohru and tell her that he will do certain things, but choose not to do so after she passes on? That will make for a very unhappy spirit... and a very guilty conscience."

"I truly think, even after she's gone, Kyo will do exactly as she asked and just be miserable."

"Perhaps someone should speak to Tohru..."

"I've thought about it so many times, but Kyo would kill me."

"I'm not suggesting that you be the one to talk to her," Ayame said. "I'll bring it up to Hatori in the car. Between our two wise heads, we'll think of something."

Yuki snorted. "Ni-san, if you're wise, I'm Emperor of Japan."

"Greetings Your Imperial Majesty," Ayame said with a light laugh. "I always knew there was something regal about my cute little brother."

"Just keep it to yourself, okay?" Yuki's fingers stroked the smooth back of his cell phone. "You had better let Hatori know you're coming with him."

"Yes, yes, or he will leave without me and then I shall have to take a train, but you would come and pick me up from the train station, Yuki."

"I suppose," Yuki said after a beat. "But I'd rather you not let Hatori leave without you."

"I'm in agreement. I will see you soon. Take care until I do."

"Thank you, Ni-san."

"You're welcome, Yuki; though, you never have to thank me."

Ayame disconnected, but Yuki kept the phone to his ear like his brother's voice might reappear on the line and tell him something else assuring. He heard the television in the living room and the hum of the air conditioner. The first scents of spicy beef and baking dough wafted under the door, meaning Tohru had started dinner. Yuki wondered what it would be this time.

He sat up, tucking his phone in his back pocket and pushing off the bed. He entered the living room to find Kyo sprawled over the long couch on his stomach, arms and legs akimbo, and Hanajima watching a movie set in a dark wooded area.

"Should we be expecting more company soon?" Hanajima asked as Yuki joined her on the divan.  

He nodded. "Tomorrow: my brother, Ayame, and my cousin, Hatori."

"Hatori...Hatori... is he... the doctor?" Hanajima tilted her head to one side as she thought. "He came to our school once."

"I'm surprised you remember," Yuki said.

"It's hard to forget such a handsome face," Hanajima said dreamily. "Why I think Hatori-sama is cuter than Kazuma-san."

"Please don't go trying to move in with him, too. What would Gavin think?" Yuki teased.

Hanajima gave a dramatic sigh. "Gavin shall never have to know."

"You know, Hatori is dating Mayu-sensei," Yuki said.

"Oh?" Hanajima looked interested. "Well I'm glad for her. Her waves were always so lonely."

Yuki blinked. It didn't matter that Saki Hanajima wore light blue jeans and a yellow t-shirt with sandals, she could look as normal as she wanted and still manage to give Yuki the creeps.

"Your cousin," Hanajima nodded to Kyo, "sleeps like he's been drugged. How long has he gone without proper rest?"

"Who knows?" Yuki said, looking at Kyo. "I'm hoping Hatori will maybe prescribe him something to help him sleep better."

"Tohru's waves are calming and slowly finding peace with occasional spikes of anxiety, but Kyo's waves are turbulent. In fact, his waves are similar to Uo-chan's when she says that Tohru should still be looking for treatment options." Hanajima's voice was low. "Yuki, deep down, Kyo wishes that Tohru was still fighting, but he'll never tell her."

"No, he won't," Yuki said.

"I-I cannot blame him for keeping his opinions to himself. In the end, it's Tohru's body and the decision she's made has been hard enough on her," Hanajima said.

"I know," Yuki said.

"You're very kind for staying here," Hanajima said. "It's amazing to see how much the both of you have grown since high school. The level of animosity that used to radiate from the both of you was intense. You really thought you hated each other."

_Only thought_?

"I waited for you two to figure out what the feeling really was between you, but when we reached our senior year, I didn't think you would. Then, suddenly, Tohru and Kyo were finally together, and you and Kyo were civil toward one another."

Yuki smiled. "I found out he wanted to be me, and he found out I was jealous of him. We were a fine pair of fools. I don't know how Tohru stood us."

"Because she loves you both dearly," Hanajima said, "which is the reason why she's s at peace now. The ones she loves the most are right here with her."

Yuki blushed and ducked his head a bit. "She loves you too, Hanajima."

"Yes, but not like she loves you, Yuki. I'm not jealous. There's no way I can complete with that type of feeling. You're so precious to her." Her dark eyes were dreamy as her gaze rested on Kyo's sleeping form. "And her feelings for that guy." She shook her head. "I don't even know how to describe them, and his feelings for her... are so strong it hurts me to be near them when they are together, but... I love watching them interact. I compare my relationship with Gavin to theirs, you know?"

"Sometimes, I compare mine and Machi's to theirs, too. I...love Machi, but I don't think we quite measure up," Yuki said, feeling a trifle guilty.

Hanajima nodded. "I understand; I feel the same way. Gavin is my heart, but... Tohru and Kyo are soul mates."

Yuki nodded and Hanajima's dreamy look faded, her expression becoming grave.

"You know, some say that when your soul mate dies, you can only be half the person you were, and you'll never find true love again."

Yuki swallowed. He believed it. "Yeah."

Tohru bounced into the room, her eyes sparkling. "I'm experimenting. I'm making a beef pastry, but I added my own special glaze to the dough and created a new wine sauce. What would you two like for dessert? We've got lots of fresh fruit, and coco beans, and cream and vanilla beans."

Tohru sat on the couch near Kyo's head and stroked his hair.

"Hmm..." Saki licked her lips.

Yuki shrugged his shoulders. "Let Hanajima choose. I'll enjoy anything you make."

"How about an egg custard?" Hanajima said.

"All right." Tohru beamed. "I can make crème brulee!"

"That's good," Yuki said. "Ni-san likes crème brulee... I think. Last time we went out

he ordered it and ate quite a bit of it. I don't think I'd ever seen him eat so much."

Tohru frowned at Yuki. "Should I send Ayame-san some, then?"

"Uh..." Yuki flexed his fingers, wondering how accepting Tohru would be of

Ayame and Hatori, a doctor, coming to stay with them right after Uotani's abrupt departure. "I spoke to Hatori earlier and he wants to come to visit for a while; Ayame's coming with him."

"Oh." Tohru blinked, her expression uncharacteristically troubled. "Hatori-san's

coming. He doesn't think that he'll be working, does he?"

"No," Yuki said quickly. "He's just... he'd like to see you."

"So long as we understand each other, Yuki." Her eyes fixed on his face, trying to read

him. What did she think he'd said to Hatori?

"Tohru," Hanajima said softly. "I was under the impression that the majority of Yuki and Kyo's family cared about you very much, when we were in high school. Why does the thought of them coming to see you bother you so much?"

"I'm just afraid Hatori will want to treat me," Tohru said. She tried to smile, but her eyes didn't support it. "But it's all right. I will be so happy to see him and Ayame-san. It's time to see more of the family. Has Hatori-san told...?"

"The rest of the family?" Yuki asked. "Probably. That was how Ayame learned. I've been waiting for phone calls, actually. So far, only Ni-san."

"Oh," Tohru said, sounding relieved. "Well, your ni-san is special enough for me. I will

make a very large crème brûlée, and what else does Ayame-san like, Yuki-kun, since you say he doesn't eat much."

"Oh, I don't know," Yuki said. "I don't think he's picky, but he seems to prefer beef to chicken and rice to noodles."

"It's great that you two are getting so close," Tohru said. She dipped her head to kiss Kyo's brow. "Will you..." She bit her lip. "If I..." She shook her head and Yuki rose from the divan, crossing the short distance between them and touched her cheek.

"Will I what, and if you what, Tohru?" he asked softly. "Finish a question and I promise to answer truthfully."

Tears rolled down her cheeks, dampening his fingers. "Will you grow close enough to Kyo to notice his habits? If I taught you some of his little quirks, would you remember them all?"

Yuki rubbed her soft cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I'd do my best to remember every single thing, and what I forgot, I'd learn from observation. Tohru, Kyo is my cousin and one of the few people in this world I can relate to. I won't abandon him."

Tohru's eyes were bright. "Not even when he says or does things to make you angry?"

"Not even then," Yuki said.

Tohru wrapped her thin arms around him, hugging him tight and Yuki rubbed her quivering back. She felt like a baby bird, tiny and breakable in his hold. "Thank you."

"You don't have to," Yuki said. He turned his head to spy Hanajima watching them with heavy eyes. Tohru continued to hold onto him, her trembling increasing instead of decreasing. Her tiny hands clenched his shirt. "Tohru?"

"If-if you don't mind, Yuki-kun, could you go into my bathroom and get two pills from a large blue bottle in my medicine cabinet?" Tohru's voice was small and tight.

"What's wrong?" Panic threatened to choke him. "Tohru?"

"Just-it's just a little pain."

"I thought you weren't going to take anymore medicine?" His voice was higher than usual. "Tohru, is the pain so bad you're changing your mind? Should we go to the hospital?" Yuki was ready to gather her in his arms and run to Kyo's car.

"No, no, I'm all right, Yuki-kun. I'm not taking anymore chemotherapy or intravenous drugs, but I am taking Tylenol 3. It doesn't impair my judgment like the other pain medicine did. It seems... I'm late taking it today. Please, Yuki-kun?"

Yuki stroked her hair and nodded. He was about to release her when Hanajima appeared beside them, touching his hand.

"I'll get it," she said. She left the room in a flurry of dark hair.

Yuki sighed and lifted Tohru up, so that he could sit in the place she had been on the couch, and settled her in his lap. He stroked Tohru's glossy cap of dark hair and frowned. "Tohru, I just noticed that your hair is darker."

"Chemotherapy changes your hair," Tohru said breathily. "Do you think it's ugly?"

"No," Yuki said. "It's beautiful."

"That's what Kyo says, but he  _has_  to say that." Tohru's giggle was cut off by a short gasp of pain.

Yuki rubbed her back. "So, you've been taking pain medication all this time?"

Tohru nodded. "It would have been naïve of me to think I could stop all of the drugs. And you know what, I did think that, at first, but the doctor sat us down, Kyo and me, and told us about everything that would happen when I came home. He talked about pain management, and how I would know when it's time; how I'll know when to call Kyo to me because I'm dying."

Yuki shuddered and his stomach flipped. He clenched his teeth and pressed his lips together, afraid he might vomit.

"Do you want to know how I'll know?" Tohru whispered.

No. He never wanted to know, but if she wanted to talk about it, needed to talk it, he had to listen. "O-okay."

"The doctor said I'll start to feel light and things might get blurry. I could feel like I'm standing outside of my body, or like I'm in it but trying to drift out of it. There may or may not be any pain.  It was different for each one of his patients, and it'll be different for me, but one thing he made clear was that when it was time, I'd feel that it was. I just wonder what that feeling will actually be like for me. Will I be scared or at peace, I don't know."

Yuki was horrified. Tohru wanted to know what death felt like... so she could tell Kyo it was coming in time for him to be there. Had she told Kyo this? Probably not, that would be cruel and Tohru couldn't be cruel if she tried.

But she was telling Yuki and it was cruel to him.

"At night, when Kyo thinks I'm sleeping, he gets up and wanders around the house, and while he's gone, I think about how it might feel and if I'll really be ready when it happens. Will the pain be so bad I want to leave? But I don't think anything could be so bad that I'd want to leave Kyo-chan. So, I just don't know, Yuki."

Kyo wandered the house all night when he thought Tohru was asleep, but she was really awake, too. Was Yuki more disturbed that neither of them was sleeping well, or that they were wasting time they could be spending together, because neither one wanted to worry the other?

Yuki kissed the top of her head, saying nothing, and Hanajima returned with two capsules in the cusp of her hand and a glass of water. Yuki helped Tohru sit up straight, and Hanajima knelt in front of her.

Tohru held out a shaky hand for the pills, but Hanajima shook her head. "Just open your mouth."  

"It's okay, Hana-chan...."

"Open," Hanajima insisted. Tohru opened her mouth and Hanajima set the capsules inside and brought the glass to her lips for her to sip from. Tohru swallowed the pills with ease and familiarity and relaxed against Yuki again.

"How long until they work?" Yuki asked.

"It's better if I take them before my last dose wears off, so it'll be a little while. If you don't mind, Yuki-kun, I'd like to lay down."

"You want to go to your room?" Yuki asked. "Sure... of course." He stood, bringing Tohru up with him; then swinging her into his arms. She squeaked.

"Yuki! I can walk."

"Not right now you can't, because I'm carrying you," he said. He walked toward her bedroom, glancing at her tense face. He flipped the light switch on by brushing his shoulder against it and sat Tohru on the bed. He knelt and went about folding the covers back and taking off Tohru's slippers. Her tiny feet were cold and Yuki tucked them under the covers first, before pulling the blankets to Tohru's chin.

Tohru blinked at him, not speaking.

"Do you want a book, or are you going to go to sleep? Should I turn out the light?" Yuki asked, sitting on the side of the bed.

Tohru sighed. "I'll take a little nap. It's always best to nap when waiting for medicine to work."

Yuki cringed. "All right. I'll turn out the light."

"Thank you, Yuki-kun," she said. "I... I'm sorry for being mean earlier."

Yuki snorted. "You, be mean? That's impossible." He tapped her forehead as Kyo was wont to do.  "You just told us what you wanted and didn't want."

"I didn't have to say it like I did," Tohru said. "I really want Ayame-san and Hatori-san to come."

"I know you do," Yuki said. "That's why I didn't tell them not to." He winked at her. "Get some rest. I'll come and check on you later."

Tohru smiled at him and closed her eyes and he tried to ignore the new lines in her brow that appeared after the smile faded. She rolled onto her side, not facing him, and Yuki pulled the door closed, leaving it open a crack.

He went back into the living room and sat on the couch where Kyo was still sleeping soundly. Hanajima sat on the coffee table, studying Tohru's pill bottle.

"Did you hear what she said about dying?" Yuki asked.

Hanajima nodded. "Some of it. Her voice was very soft."

Yuki looked heavenward, fighting tears. He was always on the verge of tears, it seemed.

"I'm glad Hatori-san is coming," Hanajima said finally.

"Yeah, yeah me too."

They were quiet until the smell of scorched meat and burning bread caught their attention. Yuki turned wide eyes to Hanajima who blinked at him.

"Dinner."

They both dashed into the kitchen, Yuki praying Hanajima knew more about salvaging meals than he did. A sauce pan bubbled over onto the stove and the oven light illuminated a pastry turning black at its edges on a metal cooking rack.

"Damn," Yuki uttered.

"You said it," Hanajima agreed.

"Do you cook?" Yuki asked her.

"Cup noodles," Hanajima said. She turned off the stove's burner and opened the oven door. Yuki got the oven mitts and reached in to pull out the ruined pastry. He stared down at the black crust and sighed. The food resembled one of his better looking cooking creations.

"What do we do?" Hanajima pulled the lid off the sauce pot and stared into an equally burned dish.

"Heat up leftovers?" Yuki suggested.

"Cookies?" Hanajima asked.

Cookies were always good, especially in this house. "Cookies." They were soft, sweet and always made you feel better.

After cleaning up the mess, Yuki and Hanajima sat on the kitchen counter, sharing a plate of sugar and chocolate chip cookies.

"Prince Yuki," Hanajima said, staring at a half eaten sugar cookie in her hand.

"Yes?" Yuki asked, sucking melted chocolate from his fingertip.

"I don't think I can stay here much longer."

Yuki looked up, trying to meet her eyes but her long hair hid her face.

"I want to, especially since Uo-chan left, but... I can't."

Yuki reached over and rested a hand on her knee. "Tohru will understand."

"She shouldn't have to," Hanajima said softly. "She should have friends that will stay with her. She'd stay with any one of us."

"I didn't think I could stay either," Yuki said. "But I kept asking myself what they would do if I left, and I knew I didn't want to find out."

"You're a good friend," Hanajima said. "A best friend."

Yuki squeezed her knee. "So are you."

"No, I'm not," Hanajima said. She set the cookie down on the plate and brought her hands to her face. "I'm rotten and selfish, because when I ask myself what Tohru would do if  _I_ left, I know she has you and that makes leaving seem easier. If-if you weren't here already, I wouldn't be able to leave. But since you're here...."

"You're not dumping anything on me," Yuki said. "I'm staying for the long haul no matter who comes and goes. I planned to take care of them on my own, help is nice, but... if you have to go, go. My brother will be here, Hatori will be here, the rest of my family will undoubtedly be here at one point or another. It'll be all right, Hanajima. You do what's right for you. It would only hurt Tohru to have you here if you don't really want to be."

Hanajima sniffled. "You make me sound horrible. I am horrible."

"No, you're not, you're just... too young."

Like the rest of us.

Yuki started when he felt Hanajima's head on his shoulder. He hesitated, then wrapped an arm around her as she wept.

 

* * *

 

Warwick, Dionne and Friends. "That's What Friends Are For."  _Friends._  Arista Records, 1985. MP3.


	10. "Baby Please Don't Go"

Hatori was always 10 minutes early. Yuki had learned that at a very young age. If Hatori said he'd arrive at nine sharp, it meant have the coffee fresh and ready to serve at 8:50. At 8:45, Yuki was watching the coffee perk on the counter. Tohru had slept in that morning, and Kyo had gone to the market and the bakery. Hanajima wandered the house like a ghost in a knee-length floral print skirt and white blouse. Her blue tooth was stuck in her ear and she murmured something every now and again. Yuki wondered if she was talking to Gavin.

What was Gavin like? He had to be... strange to not be put off by Hanajima, but then again Master Kazuma hadn't been put off by her either. But this Gavin was a supposed ghost hunter, so Yuki would bet money that he was strange. He didn't think he'd be accepting any dinner invitations from that couple. Hanajima felt waves; they both thought they saw ghosts, and maybe Gavin levitated tea sets in his spare time.

He glanced at the clock, 8:49. He went to the window and scanned the street for incoming cars. Yuki waved at Mr. Todo walking his dog, and Noriko and Kano as they jogged by. The whole neighborhood was like clockwork. He went back into the kitchen and poured 4 cups of coffee, one for him, one for Hanajima and the other two for Ayame and Hatori.

"There's a car in the driveway, Yuki."

Yuki nearly jumped at Hanajima's voice by his ear. He placed a hand to his chest and whirled around to face her. "Make some noise next time."

"I did. You were lost in thought," Hanajima said with a weak smile. Her eyes were hollow and red rimmed. "Gavin says hello."

"Hello Gavin," Yuki said; then proceeded to the back door, opening it before Ayame could knock.

"Darling!" Ayame wore a cottony white shirt with poet sleeves, tan linen pants and sandals. Yuki blinked at how normal he appeared. No costumes, no frilly sleeves, no gaudy jewelry. Ayame swept him into a hug and Yuki gasped as the air was crushed out of his lungs.

"H-hi, Ni-san," Yuki said, getting his breath back.

"What a charming little house!" Ayame stepped around Yuki, entering the kitchen. "Oh my, look at this kitchen! It's like stepping into a home making magazine! Oh my dear, I remember you! You were Cinderella in my sweet little brother's school play! You look marvelous!"

Yuki shook his head and moved outside to see Hatori, looking lean and tan, getting suitcases out of the trunk.

"Yo Hatori," Yuki called, going to help the older man.

Hatori gave him a half smile and an appraisingly look. "Hello Yuki. You're looking well." He set the suitcases on the drive and reached in to pull out two smaller bags, rolling his eyes at Yuki as he did so.

"Let me guess... one bag is yours, the rest are Ayame's," Yuki said.

"How did you guess?" Hatori shut the trunk. Yuki grabbed the two suitcases on the drive, leaving Hatori with the two bags he'd just pulled out. "Are Tohru and Kyo inside?"

"Tohru is, she's sleeping in this morning, but Kyo's out. He'll be back in a bit, though."

Hatori nodded. "I'll check on Tohru after I've put away the bags...." He trailed off, gazing at Yuki's look. "Is there a problem?"

"When you say check on Tohru, what do you mean?" Yuki asked.

Hatori frowned. "I want to give her an examination, Yuki."

"I told you that she's not seeking treatment anymore."  
"But as a doctor and a friend, I won't have peace of mind unless I've seen to her. That doesn't mean I'll write any prescriptions or tell her what to do, I just need to... to see. Kyo called me... oh months ago...asking what I knew about oncology, and I told him not much. If I had known he was asking for Tohru...." Hatori shook his head. "Stupid boy."

Yuki sighed. "Yeah, but really, was there anything you could have done to help?"

"Offered referrals, come to stay here. Honestly, what does Kyo know about taking care of anyone?" They stepped over the threshold into the kitchen and Hatori's eyes widened as he gazed around.

"Oh Tori, isn't it wonderful?" Ayame gushed, his voice coming from the living room. "It's like a gingerbread house... only I would have used a butter cream here instead of this yellow..."

"He's already redecorating," Hatori said dryly.

"That's Ni-san for you," Yuki said.

Hanajima was nowhere to be seen. Yuki figured she'd gone back to her room, not wanting to be bothered with more company.

"Let me take you to your room," Yuki said, gesturing to the left, toward a short hallway. The second guest room, formerly made up for Uotani and Kureno, had been refreshed for Hatori and Ayame by Yuki. He hadn't added Tohru's touch of a welcome note, but he thought it looked nice. Hatori nodded at the room and placed Ayame's bag in the closet Yuki had set the first two suitcases in.

"This is very nice," Hatori said. He looked through the open picture window into the garden. "Very nice, indeed. Kyo and Tohru did all right for themselves."

"Yeah," Yuki said. "You should see their bakery, and Kyo's students at his dojo win all sorts of regional competitions. They're..." he was going to say doing great, but they weren't, were they?

Ayame's laughter echoed throughout the house and Yuki gritted his teeth. His dumb brother was going to wake Tohru-or worse, have the neighbors coming over nosy for gossip.

"Look at you, Little Flower. Still pretty as ever, and what a beautiful scarf!"

Tohru was up? Yuki looked toward the door, then back at Hatori who was also looking through the door. He strode out and Yuki followed, praying he wasn't about to upset Tohru.

In the living room, Tohru's was wrapped in Ayame's arms as he rocked her and sang her praises for her home and decorations. Tohru was all smiles and energy as she hugged him back and thanked him.

"Tohru," Hatori said, his voice bland.

Ayame released Tohru and she stepped back to beam at Hatori.

"Hatori-san!" Tohru said, going to him and giving him a hug. Hatori held her close for a moment before letting her go and looking her up and down. His eyes, which had been so sharp before turned sad. He touched the top of her head and shut his eyes for a moment.

"There's truly nothing else anyone can do?" he asked.

"No," Tohru said.

"Are you taking anything to be...kept comfortable?" Hatori asked.

"Just a little codeine," Tohru said. "I want a clear head."  
Hatori nodded and hugged her again. "I'm so sorry, Tohru."

"Don't be," Tohru said. "It's all right."

"No it's not," Hatori said, "but...." He sighed. "Sometimes being a doctor is an awful job."

"Oh, I bet it is!" Tohru said with an enthusiastic nod. "I could never do it. I'll stick to cooking. Oh, breakfast. I meant to wake up early enough to at least have breakfast started." Tohru bounced into the kitchen. "I hear that you, Ayame-san, like custard. Do you like eggs, then? Would you like a quiche?"

"A quiche? How wonderful! And who told you I like custard-was it my precious baby brother? How sweet of him to remember." Ayame winked at Yuki and followed Tohru into the kitchen. "You must tell me about all of these... tools... Do you use them all to cook, and what are all of these spices?"

Tohru laughed and chattered with Ayame, her voice animated and gay.

Yuki smiled. Ayame, annoying at his worst, but just what a person needed at his best. After sleeping through dinner and then most of the night, Yuki thought Tohru might be in a darker mood than usual. Kyo certainly had been. He'd barely greeted Yuki as he breezed through the door, hair still wet from the shower, grunting that he was late and going to miss the best mangos at the market.

Yuki hadn't been able to coax Kyo off the couch that night and Hanajima had ended up sleeping in the second guest room. Perhaps it was good that both Kyo and Tohru slept so soundly last night, though it was a deep sleep that made Yuki uneasy.

Hatori moved past Yuki to sit on the couch and relax. "Can you bring my coffee to me, Yuki?"

"Sure," Yuki said. He went into the kitchen to grab two mugs of steaming coffee. He added cream and sugar to his, but left Hatori's black. Tohru had the fridge open and gestured to each shelf and drawer as Ayame exclaimed over their contents.

It was funny how Ayame could get so excited over food and cookware when his only culinary specialty was scrambled eggs and toast. Mine did the cooking, although, for someone who wore a maid's uniform like it was going out of style, her cooking wasn't all that much better than Ayame's. When Yuki came to visit, they went out.

Yuki reentered the living room, balancing both cups of coffee. "Can you get the coasters under the table?"

Hatori sat up straight and reached for the shelf under the table, locating the clock shaped container of wooden coasters, each shaped like grandfather clock faces. He set out two, and Yuki plopped their coffee atop them. He sat on the couch next to Hatori and reached for his cup again, blowing away the steam before taking a sip. Hatori did the same. They were quiet, staring out the window at the children playing in the street.

"I thought you were going to examine Tohru," Yuki said.

"I did," Hatori said. He sipped his coffee and stared off into the distance.

"But you didn't touch her," Yuki said.

"I didn't have to. I only had to look at her." His voice was a shadow of its usual timbre. "She doesn't have long."

Yuki frowned. Tohru, although thin and pale, never looked like she was dying to Yuki. She hadn't looked that way to Uotani or Hanajima either... but Hatori was a doctor. He'd seen death.

"She's wasting away. She's probably been wasting for months now," Hatori said, clenching his coffee cup between his fingers. "The doctors that kept treating her probably knew there was nothing they could do long before they told her."

He could tell all that from a look? Yuki blinked back tears. "Does she look that bad, Hatori? I... I guess I don't know what to look for."

"It's in her eyes," Hatori said. "A patient always knows when they're dying. Their body tells them so, and they have this look about them, a knowledge behind their eyes. And her body, her thinness, the hollow set of her cheeks, the tremor in her hands."

Yuki swallowed and set his coffee down, not wanting anymore. "She told me last night that she wanted to know how she would feel when it's her time."

"Everyone feels different," Hatori said. "But she'll know."

"Her other doctors said that, that she'll know," Yuki said. "I... I just want to know what to expect."

"Sadness," Hatori said. "It's always sad to see a light go out, especially such a bright one, but you won't be alone." He tapped his chin. "I suspect Shigure and Akito will be calling sometime this afternoon to see if it's all right for them to come visit. They'll only stay for a bit. I've told them that too many people in the home might upset the balance."

"Oh." Yuki ran his hands along the wooden coffee table, feeling grains of spilled sugar from the last tea or cookie someone had had at the table. "Have you told Momiji or Kisa or Haru?"

Hatori pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kisa's mother says she's been crying since she found out, and I cannot reach Momiji. Haru's been trying."

Yuki nodded. Momiji had chosen to go to university in Germany and study music. He seemed much happier in another country, away from his parents and sister, and Yuki was happy for him. Momiji was in a better place, one where he wasn't reminded every day that he'd been unwanted or that his true identity could ruin his immediate family. It made Yuki angry and thankful at the same time. His parents had been rotten, but at least he was acknowledged, and he had Ayame. Momiji could have Momo, but his father wouldn't let it be, and for some reason Momiji loved the man too much to go against his wishes.

"Kagura is quite upset. She wants to plan a trip here, but thinks Kyo might not like it," Hatori said.

Yuki cringed, thinking of Kagura pounding holes in the walls and breaking Tohru's ornaments in a tantrum. "Uh... Perhaps her thinking is right."

"Rin has been very quiet," Hatori said. "She may come with Haru when he visits, though."

Yuki nodded. Rin and Haru, still in love but with no commitment to each other. Yuki expected them to marry right out of high school, since neither of them had chosen to go to college. Surprisingly they didn't. They didn't even live in the same city, but they dated exclusively.

"And Kureno told me of his brief visit," Hatori said.

Yuki sighed. "It would have been better if they'd never planned to stay."

Hatori nodded his agreement. "He tells me that Kyo looks like he's been hit by a bus."

"Maybe not a bus," Yuki said. "Maybe a compact car."

Hatori didn't laugh. "I'll examine him as well. Spouses sometimes empathize so much that they fall ill themselves."

"Good," Yuki said. "Check him out, give him sleeping pills, give him vitamins; give him a sedative. He needs something."

"It's that bad?"

"It's that bad," Yuki said. "I wanted to ask you some things. Ayame said he'd talk to you about some of it in the car, but...."

"Kyo's uncomfortable with the after death procedures. I'll perform them. Kyo's also uncomfortable with Tohru dying in the house. Perhaps something else can be arranged. We could go on a short vacation and rent a small house. We could go to the Sohma lake house. I'll speak with her."

"But you can't..."

"Make it seem like it's something Kyo wants or that you told me anything, yes, I understand," Hatori said. Yuki started when he felt Hatori's hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry. I'll smooth things over for you, and Kyo, and Tohru."

Yuki waited for the words "Everything is going to be fine" but Hatori didn't say them.

He sank back into the couch cushion and reached for his coffee again. The ceramic cup was no longer warm and the milky substance inside no longer steamed. He sipped his lukewarm coffee and watched the children as did Hatori, listening to Tohru and Ayame's voices merged in laughter.

_Everything is going to be fine._

* * *

 

~*~

Kyo returned after 10:00 with a cloth grocery bag slung over his shoulder and a brown paper bag tucked under his arm.

"Kyo!" Ayame exclaimed as Kyo crossed the threshold into the kitchen.

"Ayame," Kyo said with less enthusiasm. He set the groceries and the brown bag down to accept Ayame's brutal hug.

"How are you?" Ayame asked, pulling away from him and looking into his eyes as if he really meant it.

Kyo shifted uncomfortably. "I'm fine. Uh... you been here long?"

"Oh, Tori and I got here just before 9. You know Tori, always early!" Ayame had set up shop at the kitchen table and was reading fashion magazines. Tohru and Hanajima had gone for a short walk around the neighborhood, undoubtedly stopping in to visit several of the neighbors who would beckon them to their doorsteps at seeing them pass.

Yuki came to the table, lifting the grocery bag onto his own shoulder and poking at the paper bag. "What's in here?"

Kyo snorted. "Sayu, Ryu and Megumi's cooking experiment. They tried to make a raspberry crumb coffee cake, but ended up making muffins instead. They're pretty good. They wanted me to bring them to Tohru and the family."

"Hn." Yuki looked at the bag with interest. He'd never eaten anything made by Sayu and Megumi, and didn't know if he wanted to put anything in his mouth Ryu had a hand in. But Kyo had tasted some and seemed to be okay.

Yuki set the grocery bag on the counter and began emptying it. A week in this house taught him how to put away its groceries and clean its surfaces. There were methods and procedures for everything when it came to the kitchen. The number one rule though, was that Yuki was never to touch anything that used heat unless it was the coffee maker or tea kettle. Kyo even looked at him cross-eyed when he attempted to use the microwave or toaster oven. ' _Back away from the toaster oven, Rat. Just back away.'_

Hatori drifted in from the living room where he'd been napping on the couch. "Kyo."

"Hey Hatori." Kyo's reception of Hatori was less awkward. Ayame being kind and seeming concerned was new to him, whereas Hatori always treated his family members the same.

Hatori came to Kyo, stopping before him and frowning at his appearance. "It seems Kureno did not exaggerate. Sit."

Kyo blinked. "What are you..."

Hatori backed Kyo into a kitchen chair. Ayame sat back down and pretended to resume reading his magazine, though his golden eyes kept glancing over the pages to peer at Kyo and Hatori.

Hatori's hands went to Kyo's throat, massaging it; then moving upward to feel his cheeks and forehead. He timed Kyo's pulse and asked him to hold out his hands so he could inspect his fingernails.

Kyo submitted to Hatori's wants without a word, though he glanced at Yuki every now and again, begging for a save. Yuki shook his head and began to whistle. He didn't miss the dirty look sent in his direction after that.

"Are you ever dizzy, light-headed, drowsy, anxious...?" Hatori fired questions that Kyo nodded and shook his head at. Hatori hummed and nodded and poked and prodded, then sat back.

"Are you done?" Kyo asked, sounding irritable.

"Yes," Hatori said, ignoring the tone. "You're anemic. I can tell that without taking blood, and you're exhausted."

Kyo shrugged. "I slept for most of the day yesterday and overslept this morning."

"It wasn't enough," Hatori said. "I'll stop by the pharmacy to get some things for you."

"Hey, this isn't supposed to be a house call," Kyo protested.

"It's not a house call, it's a concerned older relative not interested in having you pass out cold during his visit," Hatori said. "You do know that if you continue on like you're doing, you'll be too ill to help Tohru?"

Kyo looked away. "I'm fine."

"No, but you will be after I pick up some iron and sleeping supplements," Hatori said. He eyed Kyo's meager frame. "And perhaps some nutrient drinks."

Kyo muttered, "I can take care of myself."

"Sure you can," Hatori said, "after you've had some proper rest and vitamin supplements. I'm sure Tohru will agree, if I let her know..."

"No!" Kyo jumped up from his chair. "Don't..."

"Ah, you don't want her to know?" Hatori feigned innocence. "But Kyo, if you don't...."

"Oh fine, fine, get the stupid pills and stuff. I'll take it all just don't go blabbing to her about anything, okay. Dirty seahorse." Kyo grumbled to himself as he stomped toward the fridge, staring at the dry erase board stuck to it. Tohru wrote grocery lists and daily menus on it. The menu read beef stew, French bread and blueberry crepes stuffed with egg crème. Kyo hummed and went to the pantry.

"Where's Tohru?"

"Out on a walk with Hanajima," Yuki said.

Kyo returned from the depths of the pantry with the makings for fresh bread. He went into the fridge for the dreaded yeast. "Hm." Kyo washed his hands.

"Kyo, are you baking?" Ayame shouted from the table. "Tohru said you did, but seeing and hearing are totally different!"

"Your brother's still crazy," Kyo muttered, watching warily as Ayame climbed to his feet, presumably to come over and watch.

"Yes, but he means well," Yuki said. "Give him a chance."

Kyo grunted and Yuki smiled as Ayame approached to watch the bread making process.

* * *

 

~*~

Over the course of a week, Saki Hanajima returned home, and calls from the Sohma family flooded the phone lines. Shigure and Akito had come to spend the night, then left to make room for Haru and Rin and Hiro and Kisa. Everyone promised to return with pained looks of regret and sorrow on their faces that said they probably wouldn't. Tohru bid each of them farewell with warm smiles and baskets of new goodies she'd created. She tried several new recipes a day. Kyo was always at the market, though Yuki and Hatori volunteered to go in his place. Kyo practically ran through the door every morning Tohru slept in, claiming important errands.

Yuki sighed, sitting on the back porch staring at the garden. He was sweaty and grimy from yard work. He relaxed on a wooden recliner, wide-brimmed sun hat pulled low over his brow, sunglasses in place. He wore long sleeves and overalls to keep the sun from burning his skin too badly. He didn't know how Kyo had kept up with all of the household chores on his own before. Just doing the backyard had Yuki ready to toss in his towel and call it day, but he had promised to mow the front lawn and tend to the flower beds and hedges as well.

He supposed he could have asked one of the neighbors to help, but on mornings when Tohru slept in, Yuki found he also needed an excuse to leave the house for a while. She was going to bed earlier and waking up later, often not rising until after 10 or 11. Her tiny feet dragged and her large eyes were tired and ringed with dark circles that said she hadn't slept well. The pain medicine she was taking wasn't doing enough for her. Hatori had made a comment about it, but Kyo had shut him down before he could say more.

Each car full of family that came to visit for a day and left, begged for Yuki to climb in too. He wished he was saying "I'll be back", when he really didn't plan to return. He jumped when something cold touched his fingertips and bolted to an upright sitting position.

"You need to cut back on the caffeine, Rat," Kyo said. He smirked at Yuki. In his hand was a glass of lemonade with a straw. Yuki took it eagerly, taking a long, slow sip.

Aaaah... it wasn't peach, strawberry, it was tangerine and mango. Delicious. "Thank you."

"No problem." Kyo shielded his eyes with one hand and peered at the back yard. "Looks good for someone who's never mowed a lawn in his life. You don't have to do the front though. A truckload of my students pulled up a little while ago. They're talking to Tohru now, but they're gonna do the front yard and wash my car. I drew the line at them fixing dinner, though."

"Oh?" Yuki was halfway done with his lemonade. "You've got some great students. Are they the ones I met in the bar?"

"Yeah, they're all here and some others, and don't let them fool you. They plan on raiding the kitchen after they're done. Uh...that's why I'm out here. I'm probably making dinner tonight. Is there anything you want?"

Kyo was making dinner tonight, not Tohru. Tohru always made dinner if they didn't go out. "Uh... no, you can surprise me, but..."

Kyo continued to squint out into the yard. "Tohru's tired."

Of course she was.

"Your idiot brother and the sea horse are still on the boardwalk. There's some kind of show going on. I asked Tohru if she wanted to go check out, but... her back hurts."

Yuki set down his lemonade and frowned up at Kyo who stood like a scarecrow, planted in one place but wavering in the wind. "Hey Kyo, sit down with me a minute."

"Nah. I gotta open up the garage so the guys can get at the hedge tools and the mulch and shovels." Kyo started toward the garage but Yuki reached out to grab him around the wrist.

"I said sit down a minute."

Kyo's shoulders slumped. "Walk with me instead, okay? I'm not in 'sit down' mode."

Yuki studied his cousin's back and tense stance. "All right." He grunted as he stood up, bringing his lemonade with him. He followed Kyo into the garage. All of the doors were open, because Yuki had been dragging lawn tools in and out of it all morning. A blue wheelbarrow with a large bag of unopened mulch was parked beside Kyo's car with several shovels leaned against it. The hedge clippers were still mounted to the wall of the garage with Kyo's other tools, and the lawnmower sat in the driveway with the grass trimmer beside it.

The smell of freshly cut grass and fading gasoline fumes filled the air. Kyo stepped into the garage and went to pull down the hedge clippers. "Maybe I should get out the ladder. I should probably check the roof. It's been a year since I was up there."

Yuki placed a hand on Kyo's back. "Kyo, maybe we could rent a movie for tonight and order in. Your students can gorge themselves on leftovers and leave before our dinner gets here."

Kyo shook his head. "No, I want to cook what she had in mind tonight. I like to keep my hands busy and I like going to the market."

"I've noticed," Yuki said. "Kyo is everything all right. Is Tohru all right?"

Yuki's insides quivered. He hadn't asked Kyo about how Tohru behaved when they were alone lately. He'd been too scared to hear the answer now that Tohru was starting to act and appear ill.  Kyo was starting to get tight-lipped about his feelings. He gave Hatori vague answers and tolerated Ayame's probing with small smiles. He even took all of Hatori's vitamin supplements and sipped the nutrient shakes without complaint. He didn't look so hollow anymore as a result, but he refused to take the sleeping pills.

Kyo shook his head. "She's been crying at night, Yuki. She's scared. We might go to bed at 9, but she doesn't sleep until 3, and she might have a nightmare that wakes her up at 6."

_And when do_ you _sleep?_

"What does she say to you?" Yuki asked.

Kyo cleared his throat and inspected the wheelbarrow's tires. "That she's afraid that despite what everybody says she's not gonna know-you know-when she's gonna die or I'll be too far away for her to call me. And I tell her not to worry, and that I'll never be too far away, but Yuki if I don't leave the house at least once a day, I'll go nuts."

"Did you tell her that?" Yuki asked.

"No," Kyo said. "I can't tell her anything anymore. Everything makes her cry."

Yuki frowned. Tohru always seemed cheerful.

"She listens to you guys, and then comes to bed and cries," Kyo said, "and I just sit there and hold her. Each night it seems like there's less and less to hold, and each night she's freaking out more and more. Maybe her body's telling her something, you know? Maybe it's almost time. I mean, it's almost been 3 weeks."

Kyo ran a hand through his hair. He didn't have a tie to pull it back and it hung freely around his face. "So... I think that we need to start getting ready. The house needs to look good, because we're going to have a lot of company soon. I don't want her worrying about things like that."

"I doubt the house is the least of her worries," Yuki said. He took Kyo's shoulders and spun him around. Kyo's eyes wouldn't meet his. "Your students can find what they need on their own. Come on."

Kyo let Yuki drag him out of the garage and toward the house. Through the back window, Yuki saw Tohru in the kitchen now, smiling at a few college-aged young men and setting out a plate of brownies. Yuki opened the door and stepped inside, pulling Kyo in behind him.

"Yo! It's sensei's cousin!" The annoying one named Kai crowed. "Yeah, you definitely look like a guy now."

Yuki hid his real expression and dealt Kai a smile. "Why thank you. Guys, the tools for the yard are in the garage. We need to borrow Tohru."

"Oh?" Tohru blinked and tried to look at Kyo behind Yuki. "Is anything wrong?"

"No," Yuki said with a smile, "but I do need you for a moment in private."

"Okay," Tohru said. "Um, you boys help yourselves. You're welcome to the fridge and the pantry. There are dumplings and noodles on the bottom shelf." The last of the food brought by the neighbors, perhaps they'd finally get rid of it all today.

"Oh yeah! Thanks Miss Tohru! Sensei, we'll do you proud!"

"Hey, should we back your car out of the garage and wash it first?"

"The keys are on the hook," Yuki called to them as he steered Kyo toward his bedroom. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Tohru was following.

"What's the matter Yuki, Kyo?" Tohru asked as soon as they passed through the door and Yuki closed it.

"Both of you sit," Yuki said.

Kyo sat on the bed, staring at his folded hands and Tohru sat beside him.

"Tohru, there are some things that Kyo needs to talk to you about, before he makes himself sick or has a meltdown. He thinks that he can't, but I think that he can."

"Baby?" Tohru stroked Kyo's hair behind his ear.

Kyo blinked a few times before turning and burying his face in her neck. Yuki stared as Tohru quickly turned around, trying to hold him. Kyo's mass dwarfed her. "Sweetie, Sweetie don't cry... please don't cry. You're making me cry."

"Don't die, Tohru. Please don't die," Kyo murmured.

Yuki's heart clenched and his hand came up to cover his mouth. His eyes watered and he reached for the door, ready to leave the room.

"Kyo, don't do this to me! It's not a choice!" Tohru pushed Kyo away and Kyo jerked back from her, staring at her in horror. "Do you think I want to die?"

"No." Kyo wiped his eyes. "No. I-I'm sorry. I... I'm gonna go get the ladder to check the roof. I haven't done that in a year. And-and I'm gonna go to the market for-for-what were you gonna make tonight? I forgot."

"Shrimp-crab crepes in wine sauce," Tohru said, not looking at Kyo.

"Right." Kyo was on his feet, but Yuki blocked the door.

"Uh-uh," Yuki said, pushing Kyo back toward Tohru, who wasn't looking at either one of them. Her face was pink and streaked with tears.

"I need to go, Yuki. I've got work to do," Kyo said. His red eyes were lifeless.

"Sit down." Yuki shoved Kyo onto the bed, and reached out to stop Tohru from rising. "Tohru, please."

"Yuki, I don't want to talk about this now," Tohru said. "I'm tired."

"No, Tohru," Yuki said softly. "I know you're tired, and nobody wants you to do anything you don't want, but honey we have to." He'd never called her by a pet name before. He grabbed one of her hands and stroked her fingers and she snatched it back.

Tohru covered her face with her hands. "Kyo-chan, I can't help what's happening. I know you're not okay, but I can't fix it, and if I can't fix it, I don't want to talk about it. Can't you just-just...."

"Just what, Tohru? What do you want him to do?" Yuki asked, sitting between them. He wrapped an arm around Tohru, and gave Kyo a look as he tried to slide away from them.

"I just need him to hold me," Tohru said. "I'm so scared, Yuki."

"I know," Yuki said, holding her tight, "and he knows, too, but Tohru... he has to be able to talk to you. Don't you want to talk to him as much as you can?"

Tohru wept.

"Yuki, leave her alone." Kyo switched sides, moving beside Tohru, ready to gather her into his arms, but Yuki stopped him.

"No." Yuki said. "You tell her how you feel."

Tohru looked up at Kyo, her face distraught. "Kyo-chan?"

Kyo bit his lip and looked away from her.

"Kyo-chan?" Tohru's voice rose, sounding panicked. "You-you're not-you don't want to leave, do you? Everyone else left...."

"No!" Kyo swept her into his lap, hugging her and kissing her head and cheeks and neck, any surface of her his lips could reach. "No, no, no and never. But... but..."

Yuki watched. Would Kyo tell her? If he didn't, Yuki would make him by starting to tell her himself. This had gone on far too long, and though Hatori said he would propose suggestions to Tohru in Kyo's best interest, Kyo being the one to tell Tohru felt right.

"Tohru..."

"Yes?"

"I... I want to sell the house."

_What?_  Yuki blinked.  _No, he wasn't supposed to say that_.

"After you go-I can't live here without you," Kyo said, his voice breaking. "I can't sleep in this bed, I can't work in that garden, or cook in that kitchen, or bathe in that tub, or sit on that couch...."

"Oh Kyo-chan this is our house! You'll forget me!" Tohru cried.

"I could never forget you; when you... there's gonna be a hole in me, forever," Kyo said. "I'm gonna hurt every day, and this place will only make it worse."

"What about the bakery? You want to throw that away, too? The dojo?" Tohru demanded, pulling away from him. "No-no! Kyo, you can't!"

Yuki scooted away from them in disbelief. He supposed Kyo wanting to get rid of the house was understandable, but Tohru's reaction shocked him. He thought she'd cave and do as Kyo liked, but no. Tohru was shouting. Yuki had never heard her raise her voice in anger. He'd never seen her angry.

"I'm not going to give up the bakery or the dojo; I don't have to sleep in those places," Kyo said. "Just the thought of being here without you makes me feel like I can't breathe. This was supposed to be us until we're old, until we had an army of brats and grand-brats and great-grand brats, and I can't stand it! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"No!" Tohru hit him with the flat of her hand in the chest. "No!" She jumped off the bed, backing to the door. "You can't do this to me, not when I'm about to die! You promised!"

She opened the door and stormed out.

Yuki looked to Kyo and immediately reached out to him, but Kyo batted his hand away. He staggered to his feet, and Yuki thought he was going to run after Tohru, but instead he ran into the master bathroom. Yuki closed his eyes and chest tightened at the loud retching that followed. He got to his feet, wanting to go after Tohru and wanting to go to Kyo at the same time.

This was his fault. He'd made them talk-but they needed to, but... Tohru could have died happy not knowing-but Kyo would have lived and been miserable. Had he made the decision to save Kyo over Tohru?

No. He hadn't chosen one over the other. This was about their relationship, the most beautiful thing Yuki had ever seen and it was being spoiled by secrets. Yuki had tried to fix it; he did fix it. Once they talked again, once Tohru calmed down and they talked Kyo into keeping the house, things would be better than ever.

Yuki cringed as Kyo heaved again. Tohru probably needed time alone. She was probably in the kitchen making cookies or tea...and... Yuki was a coward. He didn't want to face her just yet. She might think that Yuki was on Kyo's side, and he was in a way, but the house.... He didn't think Kyo should sell the house either.

Yuki entered the bathroom. Kyo was on the floor in front of the toilet, clutching the porcelain bowl as tightly as he'd hold Tohru, contemplating his next heave. He gave another forceful retch and Yuki went to the small linen closet next to the glass shower. He pulled out a small towel and ran cold water from the sink onto it, before sitting down beside Kyo on the floor. He gathered Kyo's damp hair in one hand, pulling it off his face and out of the line of fire, and pressed the cold towel to the back of his neck.

Kyo didn't seem to notice him he was so lost in his misery. He choked and heaved until nothing came up and continued to dry-heave. Yuki sat, staring at Kyo's damp neck, at a loss. What should he do now?

There was a soft knock at the door. Yuki didn't acknowledge it, but he gazed up at the cautious footsteps approaching the doorway. One of Kyo's students, dressed in dirty jeans and a white t-shirt stood there with thick gardening gloves over his hands. "Uh..."

"What?" Yuki knew he sounded mean, but didn't care. This was not a good time for them to be asking if they could eat stuff off the second shelf of the fridge too.

"Miss Tohru just tore off in Sensei's car. It's still got soap all over it, and she ran over the trimmer, and she looked... she didn't look right. I just-I didn't know if Sensei knew...and..."

"Oh my gods." Yuki stared at the boy in horror. "Oh my gods." He looked over at Kyo then back at the boy. "You-take care of him." Yuki jumped up, letting the damp towel fall on the floor. He waved the boy in, and gestured for him to sit by Kyo, then ran out of the bathroom and to his guest room, grabbing up his cell phone. He skipped the notices that he had missed messages and punched in Ayame's number.

"Hello, hello!" was the perky answer.

"Ni-san... help."

 

 

* * *

 

Immature. "Please Don't Go."  _We Got It._  Fontana MCA, 1995. CD.


	11. "You Came Into My Life Sent From Above"

"She's at the bakery." Hatori hung up the house phone and turned to face the kitchen table where Yuki sat next to Kyo and Ayame.

"Is she all right?" Yuki asked, his voice a shadow of itself. He glanced over at Kyo, frowning at his cousin. The redhead had his head down on the table, back heaving as he tried to calm his breathing. Ayame stroked his hair and murmured things Yuki couldn't hear.

"She's in the kitchen baking pie of all things. Sayu-san says she seems on edge, so no one's asking her questions. I will go and see if I can get her to come home," Hatori said. He followed Yuki's gaze to Kyo. "Help Ayame keep an eye on Kyo."

What he really meant was help Ayame drug Kyo. Hatori had dissolved sedatives into a steaming cup of tea he'd made for Kyo, but it sat untouched by Kyo's idling fingers stretched over the table.

"Don't you think someone should go with you?" Yuki asked, half-hoping and half- dreading that Hatori would ask him to come along after all. He'd done this; he'd made Tohru run away and reduced Kyo to a vomiting heap that only moved when prodded.

Kyo's students had been sent away, yard work unfinished as soon as Hatori and Ayame returned.  They promised to come back in the morning to check on Kyo and Tohru and to complete the job; Yuki said he would call when he wanted them to come back. He had no idea what the state of things in the house would be like in the morning.

"No, you need to stay here," Hatori said. He extracted his keys from his pocket and went out the back door. "I'll be in touch."

Yuki nodded, and looked to Ayame who was watching Hatori leave.

"Well," Ayame said. "There's not much sense in us staying here now that Tohru-kun's been found. Kyo-dear, what say we get you onto the couch? You'll be more comfortable and we'll all have tea and some of that wonderful bread you baked earlier."

Kyo did little more than moan, but he didn't protest when Ayame pulled him to his feet. Yuki blinked, always startled when Ayame revealed he was so much stronger than he looked. Yuki knew he shouldn't be surprised, also being a person constantly underestimated due to his looks and stature, but still... Ayame was such a... a butterfly. He should blow over when people breathed too hard in his direction, instead Yuki watched him practically carry Kyo, who was at least an inch taller, into the living room.

"Grab the tea and bread, Baby Brother," Ayame called back at him.

Right. Yuki went to a wooden cupboard and got out a blue tray with cloud and sun designs etched onto its face. He set the tray with saucers and more cups, pouring more tea and setting the bread and some butter at the center along with a butter knife and napkins. He entered the living room to find Kyo sprawled on his stomach on the long couch and Ayame sitting on his knees on the carpet in front of him. Yuki set the tray on the coffee table and reached out to stroke Kyo's damp red hair.

"You did a lovely job plating this, Yuki," Ayame said, gazing at the tray of snacks and tea. He raised a brow at Yuki, pointing to one of the cups. Yuki had used two blue saucers and a single white to set the teacups upon. The single white marked Kyo's doctored drink. Yuki nodded as Ayame lifted the cup off the white saucer. "Let's have something to drink, Kyo-kun, before you dehydrate and then we'll have a little bread to settle your stomach some more."

Kyo didn't move, so Yuki grabbed him under the shoulders and pushed until his cousin was sitting upright. Kyo's glassy eyes met Yuki's; his face was pale with dark purplish stains under the eyes. "I shouldn't have..." he hiccupped. "I shouldn't have told her I wanted to get rid of this place." He hiccupped twice more. "I br-broke my promise. I suck." He laughed lightly, humorlessly.

"You needed to be honest," Yuki said in Kyo's defense. He rubbed Kyo's shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "Could you live with yourself if you kept things from her now? Kyo, you won't get chances to tell her how you feel after she... she dies."

Kyo trembled in his hold, but nodded his head. "Now she hates me."

"Tohru-kun doesn't hate anyone. She's incapable," Ayame said, stirring Kyo's tea.

"That's what you think," Kyo said. "These last few weeks... she hates the doctor that told her we were gonna win because he was a liar; she hates the bitch she shared a room with in the first trimester, because she was fat and into eating bad foods and smoking and was an overall waste of a person that went into remission and stayed in remission. Now, you tell me if she hates me, I mean, I only betrayed her trust and let her down, and just...wasn't strong enough to deal. I made her promises. I was gonna be together and keep her together, and..."

"And all of that was unrealistic," Ayame said gently. "You need to vent, Kyo. She needs to vent. She needs to be angry, but you have to understand that she doesn't hate you."

Kyo stuck both hands out, reaching for the tea in Ayame's hands. "Hatori put drugs in this right?"

"Uh..."

Kyo finished the tea in two gulps as Yuki and Ayame stared at him.

"Kyo, you...."

Kyo set the cup on the coffee table, the ceramic clinking against the wood and Yuki fought the urge to grab one of the grandfather clock coasters to put under it. Kyo grunted and sprawled over the couch again, face down.

"Why don't you go to bed?" Yuki asked.

Kyo didn't raise his head; his voice was muffled. "I don't want to sleep in there by myself ever."

Yuki bit his lower lip and rubbed Kyo's thin back through his t-shirt. "All right then." He met Ayame's sad eyes and they rose together, going back into the kitchen.

Yuki sat down at the kitchen table while Ayame chose to sit on the wide window sill, peering out into the garden.

"I think Kyo should sell the house, too," Ayame said after a long moment. "It's so heavy in here Atlas would stumble trying to shoulder it all, and Tohru hasn't even... If it's like this here now, how will it be when she's gone? I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving Kyo in this place alone."

Yuki wouldn't either. Not that he thought Kyo would do anything stupid to hurt himself, but he would probably pine away.

"He was right to tell Tohru as well. He wouldn't want selling this place on his conscience," Ayame said. "Or perhaps, he doesn't even have to sell it. He can keep it, but purchase another place for himself. That wouldn't be breaking any promises, would it?"

Yuki smiled lightly at Ayame. "I don't think it would. It sounds fair to me. I'll suggest it to Kyo when he wakes up."

Yuki started when Ayame's cold, slim fingers rested over his hand. "This is going to sound horrible, Yuki, but remember when I said I thought you'd be the one to marry Tohru? Now...well, now I'm glad that I was wrong. I never want to see you go through anything like this. Ever."

Yuki's heart thudded. "Ni-san, that's...."

"It would hurt me so very much to see you in that much pain."

"But..." Heaven forbid. "If it were to ever happen to me, if Machi...."

"Don't talk about that," Ayame said, and cleared his throat. "We won't talk about anything." His golden eyes were misty. He blinked a few times, and smiled. "Let's sit outside with our tea, shall we? The patio furniture is comfortable, the garden is beautiful and the air is cool. Come, Baby Brother."

Ayame rose with his usual flourish, his silver hair tied back in a fish tail down his back. He strode toward the back door without looking to see if Yuki was following him. Yuki sighed, wondering if Ayame needed a moment alone. He thought about what Ayame said, about being glad that Yuki was not in Kyo's shoes. It was a terrible thing to say, but Yuki had thought the same thing many times. He sighed and moved to the door Ayame had disappeared through. He looked back toward the living room, straining his ears for any sounds from Kyo and heard none. He slipped through the back door and joined Ayame on a patio chair, tea in hand, and content to talk about nothing until Hatori returned with Tohru.

* * *

 

~*~

Hatori arrived 2 hours later with Tohru. He entered with his large arm draped over her tiny shoulders along with his jacket. Tohru's eyes were red and swollen and she avoided Yuki's gaze when he approached her. She kept her eyes on the floor as she stood in the kitchen, never moving too far from Hatori's side.

"I'm sorry for yelling, Yuki-kun," she murmured. "I didn't mean to be so rude."

"It's fine," Yuki said. He reached out and touched her chin with his index finger, raising it so that their eyes could meet. Her doe eyes were so heavy with grief. "Are you all right?"

Tohru blinked; then shook her head. "Wh-where's Kyo?"

"He's asleep on the couch," Yuki said. "He might not wake up for a while. We gave him some medicine."

Her face crumpled and she turned toward Hatori. Hatori gave her shoulders a squeeze, and said, "Why don't you go sit with him until he wakes up; then you can tell him what you've decided."

Tohru nodded slowly. She shuffled her feet as she walked past Yuki and nearly collided with Ayame who had just entered the kitchen.

"Hello there, Sweet Flower." He kissed the top of her head and turned, extended an elbow to her.  She smiled at him and linked her arm through his. They left the kitchen together.

Yuki sighed. Why couldn't he do things like that?

Hatori shut the backdoor and moved to the coffee pot. He looked pale and tired, his steps heavy.  

"What did Tohru decide, Hatori?" Yuki asked.

Hatori looked up from the assortment of coffee bean tins he was judging. "She's decided not to die at home, Yuki."

"O-oh?" Yuki said, his stomach doing a flip. "The lake house, then?"

Hatori gave a faint smile. "It's the place where she first realized she was in love with Kyo. She wants to have the viewing and funeral there as well."

Yuki nodded, swallowing hard. "Did you tell her...?"

Hatori sighed. "Yes, I did Yuki. Someone had to."

And that someone wouldn't have been Kyo. Yuki knew that Kyo would never tell her anything that he thought might upset her again, not after this time.

"Thank you, Hatori," Yuki said. He walked to his older cousin's side and shooed him away from the coffee maker. "Go and rest; I'll make your coffee. I think the French vanilla roast mixed with hazelnut and Irish crème will suit you this evening."

Hatori raised a brow, but didn't protest. "Are there any scones left?"

Yuki hummed. The pumpkin almond scones Kyo had made yesterday morning had been divine and the only way there could be more was if Kyo or Tohru had hidden a stash. Yuki snooped through the food pantry and bread bins.  _Ah-ha_. He pulled open a plastic bread bin drawer where two pumpkin scones were sealed.

"Yes, I'll bring you those too," Yuki said. He eyed the orange scones. Did Hatori really need both of them? They were buttery and full of sugar and fat, and Hatori was getting older, meaning his metabolism was slowing. Yuki would be doing him a favor by keeping a second scone to himself.

But then Hatori had done what Yuki couldn't do. Hatori had probably saved Tohru and Kyo's house. There was no way Kyo wouldn't sell the place Tohru had died in, but if this was only a place she'd lived in, he might keep it. He probably wouldn't stay in the house anymore, but he wouldn't part with it.

Yes, Hatori could have both scones and homemade honey butter, too.

Yuki mixed the coffee beans and prepared the grinder. Tohru and Kyo had an old fashioned grinder with a crank. Yuki found it relaxing to hand grind his own coffee beans. At his apartment, he lived on beans that had already been prepared or instant. He couldn't believe Kyo and Tohru preferred to make coffee the ancient way, but after learning to make his own and having Kyo teach him how to mix certain beans for particular flavors and boldness, Yuki would never go back to instant. He'd never be a gourmet chef, but he was damn decent at making a great pot of coffee. The smell of the crunching beans was delicious. He added cocoa beans to the mix, experimenting, and his cell phone vibrated in his pocket.

"Hello?" He answered, balancing the phone on his shoulder as he added water to the coffee maker.

"Yuki Sohma you were supposed to call me an hour ago. What's wrong?"

It was Machi.

"Oh my gods, I'm sorry. I-I forgot. We had an emergency with Tohru and Kyo...."

"Is Tohru all right?" Machi sounded frightened.

"Oh, she-she's all right now. They just-I encouraged Kyo to tell Tohru how upset he was with everything and it just didn't go well."

"What did he say?" Machi asked. "You told me he wasn't comfortable with her dying at home or the funeral... did he tell her that?"

"No-Honey, he wants to sell the house. Ni-san and I are going to try to talk him out of it."

"What? He never said anything about that before-though, I can't say I blame him."

Yuki grinned. He and Machi really were two peas in a pod. "I can't either, but it really hurt Tohru. But I think-I think things are going to get better now. Hatori went on and told her about how scared Kyo was of her dying in the house. She wants to go to the lake house now."

"The lake house? The beautiful place you took me to last summer? That will be-nice, I think. I mean, if she likes it there."

"It has good memories for her," Yuki said. "And it'll be good to get out of the house. Tohru's been... kind of weak lately, so we haven't been going out as much. This place feels so cheery and homey, but with Tohru wandering around getting sicker and sicker, the atmosphere's going to change."

"When do you think you'll go to the lake house? And... well, Yuki, I've really been thinking. I know this is family time, but... I don't feel right with you being there alone, and I haven't seen you in what feels like forever. We never did go on our dates. I know you've been busy."

Yuki felt a rush of warmth then a pang of loss and loneliness. He wanted Machi to come with them to the lake house. He wanted to hold and cuddle her and make sure she was all right and safe and well, but did he want to flaunt that in front of Kyo and Tohru? And then he didn't know how he'd be when Tohru was-dying, actually dying. What if he freaked out? He didn't know if he wanted Machi to see him like that-but he also didn't want to be alone.

"I... I don't know Machi. I want you with me. I want to be with you, but... I just don't know." He was quiet, listening to her breathe on the other line.

"I'm coming to see you today, then. We'll have dinner and we'll stay in a hotel overnight."

Yuki swallowed. She'd used her "I won't take no for an answer" voice. "All right. Kyo's asleep and he and Tohru are going to talk again when he wakes up. Tonight, tonight would be perfect. What would you like to eat?"

"I don't care Yuki. I'll eat a cold sandwich so long as you're sitting next me and I can see that you're okay," Machi said. "Just pick me up at the train station and we'll go from there. I'm going to catch the train that leaves in an hour, all right?"

Yuki nodded, knowing she'd know he was.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you, too," Yuki said, and held the phone to his ear even after she'd disconnected. He breathed in the scent of coffee and cocoa and closed his eyes on the sound of boiling water, thanking the gods for sending him Machi and, in the same breath, praying that they would never take her away from him too soon.

~*~

Machi wore skinny blue jeans, and a university sweatshirt with sneakers, but Yuki thought she'd never looked so beautiful. It was obvious that she had left her apartment right after getting off the phone with him and had gone straight to the train station instead of dressing up for an evening out. She really did just want to see him. Yuki darted through passing travelers, grinning wide when she noticed him and started moving in his direction as well. She had a backpack strap over one shoulder that probably held a change of clothes and a toothbrush.

Yuki grabbed her in a tight hug, inhaling the rosy scent of her hair. He kissed the top of her head, then her cheeks, her ears, her neck, then her lips. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed her until then; kissing and hugging her was the only way to dim the pain in his chest. Passers-by glared at them. He understood; he didn't like public displays of affection either, but he couldn't help himself. He felt Machi respond, her own arms going around him, her tongue crushing against his. Her hands roamed, from his buttocks to his back to his neck and hair, then down to his buttocks again.

In a moment, Yuki was going to suggest they get a hotel first, but Machi pulled away. Her pretty face flushed. She breathed through her mouth, laughing, eyes alight. "Wow, well, we should spend more time apart if that's how you greet me."

Yuki laughed with her. "It's so good to see you." He spun her around and set her back on her feet.  "You look beautiful, by the way. Are you hungry now, or do you want to find a room, or...?"

"Slow down, Yuki." She touched his face. "You're so pale."

Yuki shook his head. "I can't look as bad as Kyo."

Machi kissed his cheek; then took his hand. "No, I doubt you do. All right, so let's find a room. How does that sound?"

"Fantastic," Yuki said. "There are some bed and breakfasts just outside of Maizuru, or we can stay in a real hotel."

"No bed and breakfast; they're too small and people get too nosey," Machi said. "Besides, I feel more scandalous in a hotel. Do you want to go five-star and run up a huge bill? I'll foot it."

"I love when you talk dirty to me, Machi," Yuki said with a snicker. They walked hand in hand through the gates of the train station to where Yuki had parked Kyo's car. Kyo had still been asleep when he'd left, with Tohru sitting beside him, rubbing his back and staring at a movie Ayame had put on. Ayame had smiled and encouraged him to show Machi an excellent time and to not come back until tomorrow afternoon; Hatori had just waved him on and told him that he would take care of Tohru and Kyo.

"So, where are we going?" Machi asked, once situated in the passenger seat.

Yuki started the car. "The Royal Hotel; it's on the coast, and there are restaurants all over. We can eat and walk and sight-see. That sound okay?"

Machi nodded. "Sounds great." She patted her backpack. "I think I forgot my toothbrush."

Yuki smirked. "We'll get you another."

"I think I forgot my underwear."

"We can work without it." Yuki smirked harder.

"I think I forgot to tell Kakeru where I was going."

"We can certainly work without him."

Machi arched her brows at him, a wicked grin in place. "I had a feeling you'd say something like that."

Yuki pulled out of the parking lot and set course to the hotel.

* * *

 

~*~

Yuki woke the next day, legs tangled in white sheets around his legs, mouth full of long hair where he'd fallen asleep with his face pressed against the back of Machi's head. He spat and tried to untangle himself without waking Machi. He slid out of bed and stared at his fiancé for a moment. The sunlight peaking through the blinds cast stripes over her lean body. So beautiful, and so his. He felt that familiar ache in his chest again. What would he do if she wasn't here anymore?

In a few weeks, Kyo would never have a moment like this with Tohru again. He'd never wake up with her hair in his mouth or be able to just stand over her, staring down at her beauty as she slept. He'd never tiptoe around a room to keep from waking her and call down for room service for two. Tears welled in Yuki's eyes as he tried to drive the thoughts away.

No, he was spending time with Machi, not depressing himself.

He slipped into the bathroom to brush his teeth and shower. Once under the hot spray of the showerhead, he began to relax and hum softly. He didn't flinch when the glass door of the shower stall was opened and Machi slid in behind him.

"You didn't wake me up."

"You looked so pretty I didn't want to disturb you," Yuki said, moaning lightly as she nibbled his ear.

"I thought the same when I woke up thirty minutes ago," Machi said. "Do you want to go out for breakfast or have it in bed?"

"In bed," Yuki said, turning to lather her hair. He smiled when she reached for the shampoo so that she could do the same for him. The shower stall really wasn't big enough for two, but Yuki didn't mind being crowded right then.

His morning shower that usually took about 10 minutes took 45. He came out of the steamy bathroom with a fluffy towel wrapped around his head; Machi came out later with a towel around her body, brushing her teeth with his toothbrush. "I want eggs, Sweetie."

"All right." Yuki padded over to the hotel phone that set on the bedside table and paused. His cell phone lay on it, face up and on vibrate, and he had 12 missed calls. He picked it up and taped the Missed Calls icon on the screen.

Ayame had called at 5:45 AM.

He had called again at 6:00 AM.

Again at 6:15 AM.

Again at 6:30.... Again at 7:00.... Yuki's legs gave out and he sat down hard on the wooden floor. Why would Ayame call so much when he knew he was out with Machi and not to return until the afternoon?

_Oh gods_.

_Oh gods._

"Ma-Machi...."

No response. She'd gone back into the bathroom and probably couldn't hear him over the sink water running in the bathroom.

Yuki dialed Ayame's number with trembling hands and brought the phone to his face.

"Yuki!" Ayame answered on the first ring, his voice high and urgent.

"Ni-san?" Yuki croaked. "Tohru...?"

"Come right away, Little Brother. We're at the hospital. There was no time. There was no time to do anything right. She didn't want to-to do this at home, and the lake house would have taken too much time."

"Oh gods, Ni-san.  _Now_?  _Now_? But she was... Are you-is she sure? It can't be now!"

"Yuki, calm down and call a cab. I'll call you a cab. You have to come now."

"No, no, Ayame, no! You're wrong. She's wrong! We've still got weeks. You take her back home, and we'll go to the lake house. I'll meet you there!"

Yuki's lungs were laboring. He could barely hear Ayame over the sound of his wheezing. It was happening. It was happening now. His throat was closing off and he coughed, doubling over and dropping the phone in his lap. He couldn't breathe.

_I can't breathe._

He heard Ayame's tiny voice shouting from his lap. He heard the sound of bare feet running across a wooden floor. He felt soft hands touching his face and neck and then pushing his head between his knees.

"Hello? Ayame-san? He's having an asthma attack. I---what? Oh gods. Yes, yes. All right. I'll call you on the way."

Machi's hand rubbed his back. "Just breathe in and out, Yuki, and tell me you have your inhaler."

Yuki struggled to point to where he'd draped his pants over the back of the desk chair. Hatori had made him start carrying his inhaler with him while he was there. Thank the gods for Hatori. The iron band around Yuki's chest tightened and he gasped and choked. Machi was gone from his side for a moment, but returned quickly. He felt the cold mouthpiece of his inhaler pushed between his lips and grabbed at the tiny machine, getting himself under control enough to greedily suck in the medicated mist it expelled. It tasted awful and made him want to gag, but he felt his air passages opening.

He continued to cough and wheeze, but he didn't feel like he was trying to breathe underwater. He gave himself another dose, trembling as his lungs expanded farther and the coughing calmed. Machi rubbed his back and whispered, "It's okay, it's all right; keep breathing."

Yuki let his head fall back onto her shoulder as he panted, catching his breath. He felt her lips ghost his hair and tears began to fall.

"Tohru's dying, Machi."

"I know," she said.

Yuki's upper lip tingled and burned as tears and mucus from his nose mingled there. "She didn't want to die in a hospital."

"But she couldn't die at home," Machi said. Yuki sobbed as she began rocking him like a baby, as he had Kyo earlier that week. "I'm so sorry, Yuki."

Yuki wrapped his arms around Machi, hanging on so tightly he thought she'd burst. "Don't you ever die-not like this-not before me."

"Oh Yuki. I'm so sorry."

_Oh gods... Kyo. I'm so sorry, Kyo_. Yuki buried his face in Machi's shoulder a moment longer before letting her go so that she could call the cab.

He sat on the edge of the bed, naked and shivering and wringing his hands together as Machi organized everything, thinking:  _How do I say goodbye?_

 

* * *

 

Monica. "Angel of Mine."  _The Boy Is Mine_. Arista Records, 1998. CD.


	12. "Tonight's the Last..."

Tohru wasn't in a room.

Yuki had practically dragged Machi behind him he'd moved so fast to the hospital's information desk only to find out that though Tohru had been assigned room 624 in the hospice wing, she'd never been inside it. She and Kyo were in the hospital's atrium, a garden sealed inside glass on the first floor.

Of course they would be there. Tohru didn't want to die in a hospital, and if she had to Kyo would take her to a place that seemed the least like one. Yuki listened to the slender woman behind the information desk as she gave him directions, nodding and hoping he'd remember all the turns she was telling him to take. Information seemed to slide off his brain; he couldn't concentrate on anything but Tohru and the last time he'd touched her and spoken to her.

He'd made her so angry only one day before. She'd hung her head in shame near him mere hours ago. His heart ached.

"Yuki? Are you all right? Do you need to sit down for a minute?" Machi's arms were around him.

Yuki rested his chin atop her head a moment and just let her hold him. "I don't need to sit down."

Machi pulled back and stared up at him, her soft hazel eyes boring into his. "Okay."

She took his hand and began to lead him through long corridors that dipped and wound around wards full of sick people. Nurses and doctors in colorful scrubs bustled about pushing carts and gurneys and patients and carrying trays of liquid and food. There were muted beeps and scratchy voices, moans and coughs and weak laughter. The smell of antiseptic and citrus made him want to vomit, and the halogen lights overhead made his head swim. He didn't want to be there. Tohru didn't want to be there.

The only thing that kept him moving was the firm hand clasped over his and the insistent tug as the body attached to that hand pulled him forward. White walls and blue scrubs began to blur together until he was at a pair of double glass doors labeled atrium.

"Excuse me."

Yuki started and slammed into Machi who had stopped abruptly. A male nurse stood by the doors, dabbing at his eyes with a pale blue tissue.

"We're asking that no one enter the atrium right now. We have a special patient... Mr. Yuki!" The nurse's eyes widened and he stepped forward to bow. "I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you right away."

Yuki blinked and the nurse's face became familiar. "Ichiru."

Nurse Ichiru nodded and dabbed at his eyes again.

"You never came over for dinner," Yuki said softly.

The man gave a sigh and covered his eyes with one hand. "I'm sorry. I've already apologized to Miss Tohru and... I just... we all thought there'd be more time." He shook his head. "The world's going to lose its sweetest person today."

Yuki shook his head. "There's no mistake then?"

Nurse Ichiru gazed at Yuki sadly. "I was there when Dr. Karizawa did the last tests... and Miss Tohru says it's time. They always know, the patients I mean, and they get this look about them."

_Like Hatori had said. All he'd had to do was look at her_.

"I'm sorry." Nurse Ichiru wiped at his eyes again. "I've been a nurse for a long time. You'd think that I'd be used to patients dying, but there's always gonna be a few that just grab your heart and hold on." He cleared his throat and bowed to Yuki and then Machi again. "You go on in. She's waiting for you."

"Waiting for me?" Yuki croaked.

"She wants to talk to you," Ichiru said. "They-patients-they try to hold on to say goodbye. Sometimes you just make it, and sometimes you don't. You made it, Mr. Yuki. Go on."

_Oh gods!_  Yuki swallowed hard against his gag reflex. Ayame had called him at 5:45... that might have been when they were taking Tohru to the hospital, but did that also mean that Tohru had held on for hours because Yuki hadn't answered his phone? Because Yuki just had to go out and have fun and forget about being miserable for a night?

How selfish was he?

Yuki let go of Machi's hand and burst through the double doors. "Tohru!"

The atrium had a stone path lined with short bamboo hedges and small rock gardens. The grass was a bright green uncharacteristic of the season, but the atmosphere of the garden was warm, keeping the garden in a perpetual summertime state. There were flowering trees and budding flower beds complete with tiny birds that chirped softly and flitted to and fro. A small red foot bridge took Yuki over a man-made pond with colorful koi under its surface. Soft music played: harps, three-stringed lutes and bamboo flutes. He heard Machi's footsteps following him.

"Tohru!"

"Yuki." Ayame met him at the foot of the bridge, his golden eyes bright and his white hair was pulled back in a low ponytail. No fuss or frills had been put into his appearance. He wore a large t-shirt and jeans that looked like they'd come from Kyo's closet. Ayame hugged Yuki, his thin frame quivering. "Come on. She's waiting for you."

The urge to vomit was back. He'd kept her waiting.

Yuki let Ayame guide him, with his hand on the small of his back, to a ginkgo tree where two figures sat. Well, one sat with the other lounging in its arms.

Kyo and Tohru: Kyo had his back against the tree, Tohru rested against his chest. Tohru's legs were covered with an afghan taken off the back of one of the living room couches. Her head was bare; her short brown hair was free about her face and hung past her ears. She was pale, but her skin seemed to glow. There was a certain peacefulness about her expression that calmed Yuki's pounding heart, that is, until he looked at Kyo. His redhead cousin's skin had a slight green tinge to it, as if he'd been or was about to be horribly sick and his eyes were hollow, sunken holes in his face. He stroked Tohru's hands through the quilt and bowed his head into her hair.

"Yuki," Tohru said. She smiled. "You're here. Good." Her voice was soft and Yuki had to come close and kneel in front of her to hear her properly. She struggled to free her hands from the afghan, and once Kyo realized what she was doing, he straightened and reached to roll down the light blanket.

Tohru's hands reached for Yuki's and he took them both in his. They were so small and cold. He chaffed them and brought them to his lips to kiss and blow warmth on. "I'm sorry, Tohru. I wouldn't have left at all, if...."

"It's all right." Tohru looked beyond Yuki and smiled. "She's so lucky to have you."

Yuki gave a light laugh. "I think it's the other way around."

Tohru giggled. "Don't sell yourself short. You're a good catch, Yuki-kun. I wanted to see you get married. You have a big wedding, okay? Let Ayame-san help you."

Yuki nodded, clutching her hands.

"I want you to be so happy, Yuki. Never let anyone make you feel like you're not good enough ever again. You don't have to be perfect, because you're perfect how you are." Tohru squeezed his hands. "You're still Prince Yuki."

_And you're still like the mother I always wanted_.

"Hug me?" Tohru asked.

Yuki gasped and moved closer to wrap Tohru in his arms. He felt Kyo boosting Tohru a bit so that she could lean forward. Yuki rocked her and kissed her cheeks and forehead. "I love you, Tohru."

"I love you, too, Yuki," Tohru said. She kissed his lips gently.

"If I never said thank you, thank you. You-you changed my life the moment you came into it. You know that, right? You helped me grow up and become who I am. You made me open my eyes. Without you, I don't know where or who I'd be. You helped my entire family. You're an angel."

Tohru simply continued to smile. "I left something for you. It's under my bed in a box. There's something for everybody. When you know you're dying, you have time to figure out what you want to say, you just... don't know if you're going to be able to say it all."

"You can tell me anything right now," Yuki said urgently. "Talk to me all day and all night, I'll listen."

Tohru chuckled and cleared her throat. "I can't do that, Yuki."

"Yes you can," Yuki said. "You-you waited for me, for hours. You can wait some more to tell me what you need to tell me."

Tohru shook her head. "I don't think I can, Yuki."

"Why not?"

"I feel like it's time to go. I'm late for something important. I just-I keep feeling lighter and lighter, and everything is brighter, prettier; softer." Tohru said in a whisper. "I don't hurt anymore and I'm not so sad."

Yuki buried his face in her hair and cried. "Oh Tohru...."

Tiny hands stroked his hair and then his cheek. "It's okay, Yuki. You'll be just fine. Machi will take care of you now, and you'll take care of Ayame, and my Kyo. Yuki, you will take care of my Kyo like you said?"

Yuki nodded into her hair. "Yes."

"He needs you," Tohru said. "He's going to need you so much, because... I can't help him not be sad. I thought I could, but I can't. Yuki, don't let him keep the house. He can't. I see that now. But I want him to keep his dojo and our bakery. We both worked too hard for them."

Yuki nodded through his tears. Tohru spoke in his ear, but she was getting so hard to hear. Her voice was growing quieter and her breathing was becoming softer, fainter. Was she dying right now, with his head in her hair?

Yuki sat back and watched as Tohru rested again against Kyo's chest. Kyo peered down at her, his fiery hair hiding his expression. Tohru tilted her head back, meeting his lips for kisses. Kyo's arms closed around her as she fingered his long hair. "Don't cut it, Kyo-chan. I like it when it falls in your eyes and touches your neck. You look so gorgeous."

She kissed Kyo's eyelids and the tip of his nose. "Your face tastes salty. So many tears. Please don't cry forever, Baby. You're going to be okay. You're going to do so many good things. And you'll find someone else to love you like you deserve to be loved, and you'll have children. And they'll all have red hair."

Kyo moaned and started shaking his head violently.

"Yes, yes, Baby. I left you something, too, and you promised you'd do what I want so I know you'll try," Tohru said. "N-now," her voice quavered and a tear rolled down her cheek. "I think it's now, Kyo. It's now."

Kyo whimpered. "O-okay."

"I want to hear our song."

Kyo's breath hitched; then hitched again. He tried to sing; he started and stopped.

"Baby?" Tohru touched his face and Kyo shifted her, sitting up and turning her in his lap so that they were face to face. They stared at each other for a long moment, before Kyo shifted again, letting Tohru wrap her legs around his waist and turn her cheek to rest on his collarbone. He rocked her slow and after a beat began to sing.

_Oh - thinking about all our younger years_  
There was only you and me   
We were young and wild and free   
  
Now nothing can take you away from me   
We been down that road before   
But that's over now   
You keep me coming back for more   
  
'Cause baby you're all that I want   
When you're lying here in my arms   
I'm finding it hard to believe   
We're in heaven   
  


_And love is all that I need_  
And I found it there in your heart   
It isn't too hard to see   
We're in heaven   
  
Oh - once in your life you find someone   
Who will turn your world around   
Bring you up when you're feeling down   
  
Now, nothing could change what you mean to me   
There's lots that I could say   
But just hold me now   
And our love will light the way   
  
'Cause baby you're all that I want   
When you're lying here in my arms   
I'm finding it hard to believe   
We're in heaven   
  


_And love is all that I need_  
And I found it there in your heart   
It isn't too hard to see   
We're in heaven   
  
I've been waiting for so long   
For something to arrive   
For love to come along   
  
Now our dreams are coming true   
Through the good times and the bad   
I'll be standing there by you

_Baby you're all that I want_  
When you're lying here in my arms   
I'm finding it hard to believe   
We're in heaven   
  


_And love is all that I need_  
And I found it there in your heart   
It isn't too hard to see   
We're in heaven   
  


Yuki sat back on his knees, watching as Kyo's last note died. Tohru's hand that had been on Kyo's cheek began to fall. Kyo caught it, holding it, looking at her as she smiled up at him. Her lips moved. Yuki made out, "Goodbye Kitten."

Then she sighed; she sighed and her light went out. Her body seemed to deflate; her eyes slid partially closed, and Kyo screamed. He wailed and crushed her to his body, shaking her. "Tohru... Tohru... not yet, okay? Not yet. Not yet. Please, Baby, not yet. Wake up, okay? Okay? No, no... not yet. Oh gods, not yet. Please. I need you! I can't do this by myself. Please...."

Yuki hand went over his mouth; he could barely see Tohru and Kyo through his tears. Everything was blurry. He saw two large shapes coming to kneel on either side of where Kyo and Tohru were. Kyo howled. "No! No! Leave me alone! Leave us alone!"

"Shh...shh... Kyo, Kyo, let go. Kyo, let go. Come here; come here.... Kyo, please...."

Yuki felt arms around his waist and Machi's warmth against his back. He fell back into her, sobbing. "She's dead, Machi."

"I know, Sweetie, and I'm so very sorry."

 

 

* * *

 

30 Seconds to Mars. "Modern Myth."  _A Beautiful Lie_. Immortal, 2005. CD.

Adams, Bryan. "Heaven."  _Reckless_. A &M, 1990. CD.


	13. "I Can't Do This Thing Called Life Without You Here with Me"

Yuki was slow to get out of bed on the morning of the wake. He rose in Kyo and Tohru's guest bedroom, alone. The covers on Machi's side of the bed had been tossed back, sheets left tangled. There was a folded sheet of notebook paper on her pillow. Yuki unfolded it:

_Gone with Ayame to get Mine from the station. I love you_.

Yuki smiled gently and almost cringed. It wasn't right to smile today. He brought a hand to his face and used the pad of his thumb and pinky to smooth the corners of his mouth down. His skin felt rough. Hatori said he was dehydrated and Yuki didn't doubt him; he'd cried so much over the past few days that his tear ducts had dried up. He didn't know if he could produce new tears if he wanted to.

He'd cried for himself and Kyo, it seemed, because after Tohru died and Kyo had picked himself off the floor of the hospital atrium, he hadn't shed a tear. He hadn't shed anything...but his humanity. With empty eyes and an empty expression, Kyo was a machine that supervised the moving of the furniture and the decorating of the house for the wake, and had spent the previous night in the bakery, preparing multi-flavored rice balls to put into yellow bags Tohru had decorated herself to give to guests of the wake as gifts. He also made rice balls to put in her casket as burnable items.

Yuki slipped on his robe and slippers and padded out into the hall, listening to the commotion of Hatori in the kitchen fixing breakfast. Kyo hadn't served any food since the hospital. He'd walk straight through the kitchen without looking at anything, as if the room was just another hallway to the living room. The smell of perking coffee and eggs on an iron skillet was comforting and painful at the same time. Yuki pictured Tohru standing at the stove in her fluffy yellow apron with a spatula and a big smile, "Good morning, Yuki-kun," she'd say.

He craved her sunshine and Hatori's bland eggs and store bought coffee would not bring that back. He passed through the living room. The furniture had all been covered and moved into the garage to make room for multiple guests to kneel. Paper cranes, and yellow flowers were set on end tables, and on the mantle sat a portrait of Tohru and Kyo together on a beach swing. Ayame had tried to get Kyo to enlarge a picture of Tohru by herself, but Kyo insisted Tohru wanted that one. Under the mantel, in front of the fireplace, was the altar Tohru had put together for herself and had hidden in the closet of the master bedroom for weeks. In front of the altar sat a table long and study enough for a casket to be placed atop. In a few hours, a cold, wooden box would arrive with Tohru inside.

Yuki practically ran into the kitchen. Hatori was sliding fried eggs onto plates already heavy with steamed rice. "Hello Yuki. Did you sleep well?"

Yuki nodded, though his yawn betrayed him. He felt like he could sleep for days and still wake up tired. "Is Kyo...?"

"Still at the bakery?" Hatori asked with a sigh. "Yes, but he and a few of his students will be here shortly with the food. He called to say that some regular customers stopped in to offer condolences and gifts, so he's a bit behind schedule."

"Do you think he slept at all?" Yuki asked.

Hatori raised a brow. "No." He pushed a plate of food toward Yuki. "Ayame and Mine-san are going to drop Machi off here and go to the funeral parlor with the kimono Mine finished for Tohru."

Yuki nodded. Tohru had let Ayame design her last kimono, and he'd sent the sketches home to Mine only two weeks ago. Mine had slaved until late last night to finish the garment in time. Yuki had a special hug for the woman when he saw her. He didn't want to imagine how Kyo might react if something went wrong today.

"Eat, Yuki," Hatori said. "I want to make sure at least one of you doesn't pass out today."

Yuki stood at the counter with Hatori, poking at over-done eggs and rice and sipping generic coffee. Tohru always made fresh coffee; she'd grinded her own beans and created unique blends. Kyo could make a mean pot of coffee too, but there was magic in Tohru's brews. Tohru hadn't made things in bulk, so Yuki wasn't sure if any of Tohru's handmade blends were left. His eyes burned, but he didn't bother to blink. He couldn't make tears anymore.

A car crawled into the driveway, stopping in front of the garage. Several car doors slammed and there was the pop of a trunk opening. Hatori pulled the blinds, letting stripes of natural light into the room. Yuki hated that it was so sunny out when he felt so gloomy. It was like the day was mocking him.

Kyo's car was in the drive, and Ryu, Sayu, and Kai were helping Kyo manhandle boxes onto the concrete before hefting them toward the backdoor. Yuki abandoned his breakfast and went to open the door for them. The group trooped in, calling out, "Good morning," and bowing as much as their loads allowed.

Kyo brought up the rear. He held a green box filled with colorful envelopes; the smallest box of the lot. Hatori directed Kai, Ryu and Sayu to the kitchen table, helping them unload their burdens. Yuki took the green box from Kyo and waited for his cousin to shut the door before moving to the table himself. He frowned down at the envelopes made out to the Sohma Family.

"Are these from customers?" Yuki asked.

Kyo nodded. "They just kept coming. I found some just lying in front of the Rice Ball's door." He ran a hand through greasy hair and shut his eyes. Kyo was so pale Yuki could count the blue veins in temples. He reached out to touch Kyo's shoulder, but the Ex-Cat was suddenly in motion. Going to the other boxes and separating them in accordance to flavor of rice ball. Sayu helped him pull out each individual bag, and Yuki noticed that each flavor had a corresponding foil paper wrapper lining its bag. The plum flavored rice balls had purple tinted foil, peach had orange, strawberry had pink, apple had green.

"Do any have meat?" Hatori asked.

Kyo shook his head. "All fruit. They still should be kept cold until it's time to give them out. The trays are in the fridge guys. Bring them over and we'll put the bags on them."

Ryu, Kai and Sayu nodded. "Yes, sir," and made their way to the fridge, getting out the heavy silver serving trays Tohru had kept in the china cabinet. There were four, one for each flavor. Fifteen bags went onto each tray. Sayu hummed as she arranged the bags and pulled white tinsel and origami cats, rabbits, mice, dogs, and chickens out of one box to decorate the trays with.

One box sat by itself. Kyo stared at it for a long moment, before muttering, "I'm gonna take a shower."

He strode away, his movements jerky. Yuki looked to the box and moved to open it. He choked back an amused gasp. Twenty rice balls in the shape of kittens, dyed orange with food coloring, smiled up at him with black jelly mouths and eyes.

"Those are for Miss Tohru," Ryu said. "She uh... she really liked cats. I don't know why they don't have one, a cat, I mean." He cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable. His eyes were pink and every now and again he pulled a wad of tissue from his pockets.

_They've always had a cat_.

"Sensei's picky enough to be a cat himself. D'you really think Miss Tohru would have wanted  _two_  cranky beasts lying around her house?" Sayu said with a forced laugh.

Kai gave a half-hearted chuckle, but Ryu sniffled.

"Geez, Ryu. Better not let Sensei see you crying. We're all supposed to smile for him, like Miss Tohru would," Kai said, squeezing Ryu's neck.

"Yeah, yeah I know." Ryu dabbed at his eyes and stuffed his soggy tissue back in his pocket. Sayu finished lining the trays and started putting them back in the fridge.

"Kai, I think we should put Sensei's box in the freezer," Sayu said.

The broad shouldered Kai gathered the box of cat-shaped rice balls, but looked at Yuki as he did so. "Mr. Yuki, are you going to live here with Sensei, now?"

"Kai!" Sayu's head snapped away from the fridge.

Yuki blinked. "Ah...." No, Yuki had to go back to Tokyo, back to his job and his apartment, and Machi—away from sadness and a place without Tohru. "No. I—I work in Tokyo, but...." Who would Kyo live with, himself? "Maybe Kyo might want to come with me."

He blinked again. Kyo come with him? He hadn't thought about that. A fresh start in Tokyo nearer to family could be good for Kyo. It was better than staying in Maizuru where his only family was...was dead, and where everything would remind him of her not being with him.

"We haven't really discussed it." They hadn't discussed anything at all, other than making sure Kyo didn't remain in this house and that he kept his dojo and Tohru's bakery.

"I think Kyo staying with you for a while could be a good idea," Hatori said. "It'll allow him some distance. Hard choices are a little easier to make when you can put some space between you and everything else." He finished his cup of coffee and poured himself another before seeming to remember his manners. "Please forgive me, have you all had breakfast, or would you like some coffee?"

Plates of eggs and rice grew cold on the counter. Ryu shook his head and Sayu said, "No thank you."

Kai stuffed Kyo's box into the freezer and snatched up the nearest plate of food. "Thanks for the food!"

Yuki sat at the table, watching Kai bolt his food at expert speed and thinking about what Hatori said. Kyo had huge choices to make: where would he live, would the house go on the market or stay on as Sohma real estate?  Would he... move on, marry again and have kids, like Tohru wanted him to?

The doorbell rang. Yuki started and looked at the duck-shaped wall clock: 8:30 AM. Shigure and Akito said they would arrive at 9, and Rin and Hatsuharu were riding the train with Kagura to be there by 10:15. Ritsu and his mother had come in last night and were staying at a hotel nearby. Kureno and Arisa were also already in town, staying in a hotel. Yuki didn't want Arisa around Kyo just yet; he was afraid Kyo might throw her out. Hanajima and Gavin's plane would be landing around the same time Momiji's would, at 11:08 and they were going to take the train and then a taxi to the house.

So, who was at the door? Yuki wasn't about to go check in his bathrobe and slippers. He took his coffee and crept out of the kitchen as Hatori went to answer the door. He heard Kisa's high voice along with Hiro's lower tones. Kisa and Hiro weren't supposed to come until the funeral. Kisa claimed she couldn't look at Tohru's body and didn't want to come to the wake.

Yuki sighed and brought his coffee into the living room to greet his cousins at the front door. "Good morning, Kisa, Hiro."

They stood on the welcome mat removing their shoes, Hiro a full head taller than Kisa but still a head shorter than Hatori. Kisa wore a black pleated dress and Hiro wore a white suit shirt with black slacks and a tie.

"H—hi, Yuki," Kisa said, ducking her head shyly. Hiro nodded to Yuki and held out a hand in a Western fashion for Yuki to shake. His grip was stronger now, Yuki appraised.

"How are you this morning?" Yuki asked.

Hiro fidgeted with his tie. "Fine. The drive was longer than it was last time, I think, but the traffic was bad coming in. I could do with some water."

"Oh." Yuki pointed to the kitchen. 'Help yourself. Some of Kyo's karate students are in there. Be nice to them."

Hiro rolled his eyes and brushed by Yuki to head for the kitchen. All grown up and still a brat. Hatori was speaking to Kisa, who kept her head bowed.

"Tohru would be very happy to know that you were here today," Hatori said and Kisa sniffed, tears spilling down her face and making her mascara run. Hatori offered her his handkerchief and waved it away when she offered it back. The white fabric was stained with make-up.

"I almost told Hiro to turn around and go home twice on the way here," Kisa said. "But... but I kept hearing her voice in my head saying everyone has to be here for Kyo. She didn't want him to be alone. I knew he wouldn't be alone today, but... but I felt so wrong, and so here we are."

"And we're all glad to see you," Yuki said, coming forward to give her a light hug. She returned it awkwardly and tried to smile at him.

"Where's Kyo?" She lowered her voice.

"Taking a shower," Yuki said. "He'll probably be back out in 20 minutes."

"Is he...?"

"He's... been keeping himself very busy," Yuki said. "Uh." He looked down at his robe and back at Kisa and then Hatori. "I'm going to take a shower and get dressed, too. Did you need any help with anything before I go, Hatori?"

Hatori shook his head and Yuki sighed. Good. He didn't want to help. He wanted to drown himself in the shower. He didn't want to greet crying relatives and give out more awkward hugs. He padded back to his guest room and shut the door. The wake was at 2:00, the body would be there at 1:00, and Yuki wanted to be there when it was over.

He opened the closet, glaring at the black suit Ayame had bought from him, hanging on a wooden hanger. Machi's black dress hung next to it. He thought about ripping the clothes down and stomping on them, tearing them to shreds so they wouldn't have anything to wear.  _Oops, guess we can't come out of our room; no clothes._

He didn't know how long he stood in the closet doorway, but time passed. The door to the guest room opened and closed. "Yuki?"

Machi was back. Yuki sighed and rested his head on the doorframe. "Yes?"

Her soft hands stroked his cheek. "Do you want to take a bath with me?"

Oh Gods. "Yes."

_Please make me think about something else._

* * *

 

(~*~)

The casket lay on the long table, the lid closed and everyone found reasons not to be in the room for longer than it took to walk through it. Yuki loosened his neck tie for the hundredth time. He was outside, drinking peach, strawberry lemonade with Hatsuharu, Rin, Kagura and Ritsu. Shigure, Akito, Hatori and Mayu-sensei, who'd come with Shigure and Akito, sat in the lawn chairs with Ritsu's mother admiring Tohru's garden. It was still unsettling seeing Akito in dresses and make-up. It was still unsettling to be left alone in rooms with Akito, but Yuki would rather be alone with her right now, than in that house with the casket.

Hanajima had called Yuki to let him know that they would arrive at 3:00, when the wake began. He checked his watch, 2:15. The priest would show up at 2:30. Kyo was actually in the kitchen and actually wearing an apron, putting the finishing touches on more rice balls, these filled with beef, salmon, cod, bass, chicken, duck, spinach, or carrots. These rice balls were the food to be served to the guests and Kyo wanted them to be fresh and hot. A large, clear barrel with white and yellow flowers painted in a ring around the middle with a tap was filled with peach, strawberry lemonade. The liquid was a golden pink with sheer slices of lemons, strawberries and peaches floating around its center.

Momiji had opted to stay in the kitchen with Kyo. He hadn't left Kyo's side since he'd arrived, and Kyo and Momiji had never been that close. Yuki was worried Kyo might say something awful to their blond cousin of whom he'd barely recognized when he'd come through the door. The young man towered over Yuki; he had to be at least 6 feet tall and he wore his wavy blond hair shorter than Yuki had ever seen it. No stuffed animals or teddy-bear shaped backpacks spoiled the image of an adult Momiji who wore shades to cover reddened eyes. He'd hugged Yuki hard and then went in search of Kyo.

Kisa and Hiro followed by Machi stepped through the backdoor holding clear, plastic cups of lemonade. Kisa was shaking her head at something Hiro was saying. Machi sauntered up to Yuki, licking the rim of her empty cup. "My gods, Yuki. What does he put in this?"

Yuki shrugged. "I can't figure it out either, and I've watched him make it several times."

"Your brother and Mine are in the living room, setting up the incense. The kimono they made is beautiful Yuki. I almost cried when I saw it." She took his hand. "Momiji's asking Kyo a lot of questions in the kitchen, and Kyo's ignoring him. I think one or the other is about to blow up."

"Damn." He knew it. Yuki passed Machi his lemonade. "You can finish it." He let himself back into the house, stepping into the kitchen and was immersed in the smell of heaven. It had only been a few days since a real meal had been cooked here, and in that moment, it smelled like Tohru and Kyo's home again. Kyo was at the counter filling a final tray of rice balls. The kitchen was mostly clean except for the metal bowl filled with diced beef, onions and peppers. White china platters were layered with zodiac animal-shaped rice balls; they sat upon a thick, butter crème colored cloth spread over the kitchen table. The barrel of lemonade sat on a small portable table near the backdoor.

Clear, plastic cups and plates were stacked on the counter, which was also covered with a butter cream tablecloth. Kyo finished filling the last rice ball and covered the metal bowl of meat with cling wrap. The fridge was filled to the brim with covered metal bowls and gift trays. There were also two more pitchers of lemonade to refill the barrel should it be drained, which Yuki was sure it would be.

Momiji stood over the newly filled rice balls. These were shaped like rabbits. Silver studs glistened in both his ears as they caught the light. His eyes followed Kyo as he moved about the kitchen, washing his hands and putting used utensils into the dishwasher.

"How's everything going guys? Need any help Kyo?" Yuki asked.

"Taste one of the rabbits, and stop drinking all of the lemonade," Kyo said flatly.

Yuki almost gasped. "I... only had three cups." He used one of the metals tongs on the counter to pick up a rabbit rice ball and set it in the palm of his hand. This was nice. In a kitchen that smelled like it was supposed to, he and Kyo were teasing like they'd been before, it was... not easier to forget what was in the next room.

Yuki bit the rabbit's head off, savoring the blend of seasoned meat and peppers. "Delicious."

Kyo nodded. "Put them on the table. Thanks."

He stopped, placing a hand against the wall and leaning forward, closing his eyes for a moment. He breathed deeply and Yuki frowned, going to him. "Kyo, are you okay?"

"Yeah," Kyo said, eyes opening. He looked dizzy.

"Come sit down. Have you had a rice ball, yet?"

Kyo shook his head and allowed Yuki to lead him to a chair around the rice ball table. Kyo sat, leaning forward and resting his hands on his knees. "It's just hot. That's all."

Yuki filled a plastic glass with lemonade and sat beside Kyo. "Here; drink. Have you eaten anything today?"

Kyo shook his head. He took the lemonade in both hands, staring into the cup as if it held the mysteries of the universe. "I can't."

"Do you feel sick?" Yuki asked. Dumb questions, of course he did.

Kyo put a finger in the glass and chased a peach slice around in a circle.

Another chair scraped across the floor and Yuki heard Momiji sit down. "Why did you want to have this in your house, Kyo?"

Yuki could have punched him. "Tohru wanted it here," Yuki said. "Momiji, why don't you go outside, go see Tohru's garden?"

"I don't want to see Tohru's garden," Momiji said. Yuki could not get used to how deep his voice was, or his new German accent, which Yuki was sure was for effect. "I want to know why I didn't know; why she didn't tell me. I was someone she would have told."

"Momiji, she didn't tell anyone," Yuki said. "I didn't know. Hanajima and Arisa didn't know. Kisa didn't know."

"Yeah, but you found out weeks ago and so did her friends. You didn't even try to tell us until later. If you had told me when you found out, I would have been where I could get to a phone. If you hadn't waited, I wouldn't have been off in some village with no cell phone reception! I could have seen Tohru, talked to her. Instead, I get to see her now, in a box."

"Momiji, I'm sorry," Yuki said. "I'm so sorry."  _But it's not the time_? Could he really say that to a grieving relative? "Ah... Let's go to the guest room for a bit, if you... want to talk a little." Yuki didn't want to talk at all.

Momiji shook his head. "No. It's okay. I'm good here." He cleared his throat and Yuki turned to look at the young man. His sunglasses were off, revealing bloodshot brown eyes ringed with dark circles. The twelve hour flight from Munich had probably not helped his condition. He'd grown to be handsome but right then he was haggard and bitter, and sad.

Yuki filled a plastic cup with lemonade for Momiji, too, and pressed it in his hands. "It's good."

They sat, Kyo and Momiji staring at their lemonade and Yuki trying to choke down the rest of the rabbit ball which now tasted like coal dust.

"Yuki, will you burn the place down if I ask you to put on a kettle of green tea? I have to offer some to the priest when he gets here," Kyo said. He set the lemonade down on the crowded table and placed his head in his hands. "I think... I forgot something. I need to check the closet again." He rose slowly and drifted out of the kitchen without a backward glance.

Yuki watched him go.

"What's he gonna do, Yuki?" Momiji asked and Yuki knew he wasn't asking about what Kyo was going to right then.

"I don't know," Yuki said. He looked at Momiji. "You can't keep hitting him with those kinds of questions, though, Momiji. I know you're hurt. Everyone was hurt. And now she's gone, and it's awful, but don't attack him."

"I don't mean to... Tohru loved him. He was the one she wanted over everyone else, and I know why. I always knew he was a great guy. It's why I bugged him so much. I just...want to be around him now. It makes me feel like I can hold on to a part of her today," Momiji said. "And, I think that she'd like me to."

"Yeah, she would," Yuki agreed, "but if you want to talk about Tohru and what she did and didn't do, talk to me, okay?"

"Okay," Momiji said. His eyes glimmered as tears threatened to spill from them. "What—what was it like being here?"

Yuki sighed. "Hard as hell. I wanted to leave so many times. Still do."

He rose as Ayame and Mine entered the kitchen. Ayame wore a plain black kimono as did Mine. It struck Yuki how they seemed to fit together, as if made for each other. Ayame gazed around the kitchen and nodded his approval as Mine fingered the table cloth on the counter.

"Ni-san, can you make green tea for the priest?" Yuki asked.

"Of course, Little Brother," Ayame said. "Where is Kyo? Did he go outside with everyone?"

Yuki shook his head. "He thinks he forgot something. I want to check on him."

"Go right ahead. I am very competent at tea making," Ayame said. "Add that to my repertoire, Mine. My specialties are: rice, toast, eggs, and tea!"

"Your coffee is pretty good, too," Mine said.

"Ah, and coffee, too! Ha ha! Now, let's see. Where is that kettle?"

Yuki shook his head and stood. He patted Momiji's shoulder before following Kyo's path.

* * *

 

(~*~)

Tohru and Kyo's bedroom was immaculate. All of the pictures of Tohru and Kyo, though, were face down; the mirror was covered. Tohru's mother's shrine had also been covered. Tohru and her superstitions. A flowery shoe box was open on the bed with colorful envelopes stacked inside. Both closet doors were open, the lights on, but when Yuki looked into them there was no sign of Kyo. He heard the sink turn on in the bathroom, and he knocked on the door.

"Kyo?"

He tested the knob to find it unlocked and let himself in. Kyo stood at the sink, clutching the sides with white knuckles. A large bath towel was tacked over the mirror.

"Hey," Yuki said. He entered the room and stood beside Kyo. A wash cloth sat folded on the side of the sink. Yuki shook out the folds and ran the towel under the faucet, wetting it and squeezing out excess water. He pressed the damp towel to Kyo's brow, frowning at the beads of sweat rolling down the sides of Kyo's face. "We're almost there. Ayame's making tea, and at 3:00 we'll get started, and then it'll be over." Until tomorrow.

Kyo nodded into the towel, taking it from Yuki and wiping it over his face. He wet it again and repeated the process.

"How about some water to drink?" Yuki asked.

Kyo shook his head.

"Kyo, you have to at least drink something," Yuki said. "You're going to make yourself really sick, and you don't want to be sick right now."

"I can't, Yuki. It makes me gag," Kyo said. "I thought I was gonna throw up on the rice balls."

"Hatori could give you something," Yuki said. "I'll tell him."

The doorbell chimed, echoing from the front of the house into the master bedroom.

"That's the priest," Kyo said. "I need to greet him."

"No," Yuki said. He closed the toilet lid and sat Kyo on it. "Stay here. I will greet the priest and Hatori will come in here with you."

"Yu—"

"Stay here."

Yuki left the bathroom. He heard Mine at the door greeting the visitor. Yuki went straight to the kitchen. Momiji still sat there with Ayame, watching the tea kettle on the stove top. "Momiji, can you tell Hatori Kyo needs him? He's in his bathroom."

"Yeah, sure." Momiji got up, frowning at Yuki. He scratched his head, mussing his short hair, and slipped out the back door.

"Should I go check on Kyo, too?" Ayame asked.

"Hatori will do," Yuki said. "You know he doesn't like being crowded. I'm going to greet the priest."

* * *

 

(~*~)

The house was so full, Yuki thought it'd explode. Family, neighbors, friends, Kyo's students, bakery employees, and neighbors were putting condolence envelopes on the offering table and bowing to Tohru's altar. They knelt on the floor in their black finery; shoes lined the entrance way. Hanajima lingered at Tohru's altar with a tall young man with black hair and dark gray eyes, Gavin. He spoke Japanese with a stammering foreign accent and often apologized for his linguistic errors. Hanajima stayed at his side, picking up for him where his Japanese was lacking.  He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her hands.

Arisa and Kureno stayed near the back of the room. Arisa had barely glanced at Tohru's altar. Her face was red and splotchy and she refused to remove her sunglasses. Burning incense made the room smell off, wrong; it also made Yuki's eyes burn and aggravated his allergies. He kept coughing and clearing his throat. Machi mouthed, "Incense?"

Yuki nodded.

The casket was still closed, but they were ready to open it. Kyo was still at the door, greeting people as they entered. Hatori had given him a shot of something and made him eat toast and drink some of the tea Ayame had made. The priest had spoken to Hatori, Ayame, Kisa, Momiji, and Hanajima, but he was waiting for Kyo to approach him. The ceremony wouldn't start until then.

Finally, Kyo closed the front door. He looked to the front of the room, red eyes searching out the priest. He walked with stooped shoulders to speak to the man. Hatori and Shigure were at the casket. Together they unclasped the latches and opened the box, revealing Tohru who looked like a tiny Snow White asleep and waiting for a prince to kiss her back to life. Yuki found himself moving closer. She looked so much like a Tohru who'd gone to sleep watching a movie. Her cheeks were lightly dusted with blush and soft foundation kept her from seeming too pale. Thick, dark brown hair cascaded over her shoulders in loose curls, yellow ribbons reminiscent of the ones Yuki had given her in high school, were tied in her hair. The glorious golden kimono fit her perfectly. Designs made to look like white icing depicted pictures of buttercups and dandelions.

There were soft gasps from guests. Kisa burst into tears and there was a shout from the back of the room. Arisa rushed out the front door and a stunned Kureno chased after her. Hanajima rose from her kneel on the floor, about to go after Arisa as well, but the priest moved to the casket and lit a stick of incense.

He was ready to begin.

Yuki knelt in the front row, between Machi and Kyo. Hatori knelt on the other side of Kyo. As more people got into place, the priest began chanting a sutra. Wisps of smoke rose from the incense, curling around the priest and drifting above Tohru's sweet face.

Yuki reached for Kyo's hand, worried at how cold Kyo's grip was. Yuki glanced at his cousin under his lashes, watching the trembling of his Adam's apple and the stiff way he held his body, as if in pain.

_We're almost there, Kyo. It's almost over_.

And then what?

The priest gave the signal for the guests to come forward and view Tohru and offer incense to her altar. Yuki got to his feet, keeping a steadying hand at the small of Kyo's back. They stood over Tohru together, and all the coffee and lemonade he'd drunk that day had replenished his supply of tears. His shoulders trembled as he sobbed.  _Oh Tohru_.

He felt Kyo's hand on his shoulder. Kyo was not supposed to be comforting him. Yuki turned to him, but Kyo's eyes were on Tohru. He touched his knuckles to her cheek then turned away, lighting incense and adding it to the incense urn on the altar. He was gone before Yuki realized he needed to light his own. Machi was behind him, lighting one as well. They let their sticks fall together and they followed Kyo back to their places.

Yuki's eyes remained on Tohru as the remainder of the guests offered incense. He watched Kisa cry so hard Hiro had to lead her away. He watched Momiji's hands shake so much he almost dropped the incense on the floor. Hanajima and Gavin dropped their incense, and Hanajima kissed Tohru's forehead. Arisa and Kureno never returned.

Once everyone was seated again, the priest began another sutra, ending the ceremony.

That was all? That was it?

People were rising and talking again. Guests were being led into the kitchen to serve themselves and receive their gift bags.

What had just happened? Yuki stared at around in amazement. They were just going to leave, go eat, while Tohru lie there alone? Hatori was coaxing Kyo to his feet.

"I want you to lie down for a little while," Hatori said.

Machi was shaking Yuki's shoulder. "Honey, do you want to go outside to get away from the incense?"

"N-no, we... isn't someone supposed to stay with Tohru?" Yuki asked, eyes back on the casket.

"That's for the night," Machi said. "Come on, let's get some air."

"But...."

Yuki let Machi pull him up. He expected her to take him through the kitchen into the backyard where the guests were headed, but she took him through the front door. Sunlight tormented him and he turned to go back inside.

"No." Machi took his hand. "Let's walk for a while."

Yuki sighed, letting her lead him to the sidewalk. A slight breeze rustled through the leaves of the trees and teased Machi's bangs. Yuki reached over to smooth them down with his fingers. Neighbors approached, entering the yard with envelopes and covered pans. They greeted Yuki and Machi and ventured inside the house.

Yuki was told things like this would go on all day. He just hoped they didn't all bring food. They'd have no place to put it and would have to send guests home with more than just gift bags.

Machi swung their hands as they plodded on down the sidewalk in their black dress clothes. Yuki wondered how far Machi wanted to go. Perhaps they'd make the block and keep going. He didn't have his cell phone on him, which could be a problem, but he didn't' feel like turning back.

"Hey, isn't that Tohru's friend?" Machi pointed and Yuki followed her finger.

On the curb by Mr. Todo's mailbox, Arisa sat in her black dress with her legs straddled in front of her. Black smoke coiled around her head like toxic snakes and Kureno was nowhere to be found.

"Arisa?" Yuki asked.

The woman turned, cigarette dangling from her lips. "What? Come to call me a coward, too? Well you know what Prince Yuki, take a number, get in line, and get lost." She exhaled smoke.

"I'm not calling you anything. I just...."

She stared at him, wide-eyed, waiting for him to finish his sentence as if he were about to deliver a prophecy. "You just what?"

"I just... want to take a walk. You take care." Yuki marched past her, pulling Machi along.

"Yuki?" Machi asked. "You don't want to talk to her?"

"No," Yuki said. "I don't want to talk to anyone really, not even you right now. I just want air, and to walk, and to be with you."

"So long as I'm quiet?"

"Yes."

Machi kissed his cheek. "Okay."

So, they walked, and waved to neighbors, and ignored street signs as they talked about nothing, and Yuki did his best not to think about the "and then what?" after the funeral.

 

 

* * *

 

Destiny's Child. "Dangerously In Love."  _Survivor._  Sony, 2001. CD.

 


	14. "Never Thought That I'd Be Left Behind"

There was a knock on the door after midnight.

The furniture had been moved back into the living room, leaving space for the casket and Tohru's altar near the fireplace. Yuki shared the long couch with Kyo; Kyo was determined to sit vigil with Tohru all night and Yuki was determined to sit vigil with Kyo all night. Ayame had come in and shook a large blanket over the both of them and assured them over and over that he and Hatori were light sleepers. Both he and Hatori wanted to take turns doing the vigil, but Kyo had softly refused. He'd put on his sweats and planted himself on the couch.

Kyo's redhead rose from the arm of the couch and he gazed blearily at Yuki then the door. "Who's that?" he whispered and Yuki shrugged.

Yuki slid off the couch and padded across the carpet, rubbing the side of his face he'd been lying on. The knock came again and Yuki growled at it. "I'm coming." He looked through the peephole and smiled, before unlocking and opening the door.

"Yuki!" Master Kazuma was still larger than life, beefy and tall. He let his duffle bag fall from his shoulder and he hugged Yuki tight. "I'm sorry, Yuki. I'm sorry this happened, and sorry that I'm just getting here. Where's Kyo?"

"Right here." Yuki jumped. He really hated when Kyo snuck up on him. He moved like a ninja. Yuki got out of the way, so that Master Kazuma could enter and bring his bag inside.

"Oh Kyo." Master Kazuma hugged Kyo and ran his hands through his hair. He didn't seem to have anything else to say and neither did Kyo. Kyo waited for Master Kazuma to get out of his boots, before walking him into the house and bringing him to Tohru and the altar. Master Kazuma bowed to the altar and reached for the bundle of incense left beside the urn. Kyo stood back as his surrogate father paid his respects.

Yuki took his seat on the couch again, covering his legs and feet with the blanket. It had gotten colder outside, and the nighttime chill clung to Master Kazuma's clothing.

"I didn't know when you'd get here," Kyo said, his voice was scratchy. "Hatori and Mayu-sensei are sleeping in my room, and Ayame, Mine and Machi are in the guest rooms."

"I can sleep anywhere. Do you want me to stay out here with you? Are you two keeping vigil tonight?"

"Yeah," Kyo said. "You can sleep in the office, if you want. There's a roll-out in the closet in there, and you know where the blankets and stuff are."

"Yes, yes I do. Is that where you want me to be tonight?" Master Kazuma asked, his eyes searched Kyo's.

Kyo shrugged. "I don't know. It's up to you what you want to do."

Master Kazuma looked at a loss. "Kyo, if you had called me when Tohru went out of remission for the third time, I would have been right here, the whole time. You know that, right?"

Kyo blinked, face registering surprise. "Yeah. I know. I... Do you think I'm mad at you?"

Master Kazuma nodded. "I wasn't around when you needed me."

"You were on a sabbatical," Kyo said. "You were in the woods fighting Jason."

Yuki snorted and Master Kazuma almost laughed. "Did you ever figure out that Jason isn't a bear?" Yuki asked.

Kyo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Tohru and I rented the movies."

"And she watched them?" Yuki asked. That couldn't be right.

"She hid her face after the first 5 minutes or so, and then made triple fudge brownies," Kyo said. "I watched them... and ate the brownies. The brownies were better than the movies. I think she put peanut butter in one batch."

"Oh?" Yuki sat up. This was the most Kyo had said all day that didn't have something to do with preparations or the wake itself.

Kyo nodded. He took his spot on the couch again and covered himself with the blanket. "Yeah. Whenever I watched stuff she didn't like, she baked brownies or blondies or made popcorn with different toppings. I think she thought she could lure me away from the TV with food."

"Did it ever work?" Master Kazuma asked.

"No, but there were other things she did that got my attention," Kyo said with a light smirk. He swallowed and gazed at the casket. "She knew how to get it when she really wanted it."

Master Kazuma shrugged off his coat and sat on the floor near Kyo's feet. "I'd love to hear about that."

"Me too," Yuki said, and Kyo gave another weak smile.

"That's because you're both pervs, but okay."

Yuki got to his feet. "Let me put away your bags and coat Master. Kyo, go ahead and start. I'll be back."

Yuki gathered Master Kazuma's duffle bag and coat and journeyed the hall closet, listening to Kyo's soft voice as he started in on a story about Tohru.

The door creaked a bit when he opened it and he turned on the hall light so that he could find a hangar and neat space to set Master's duffle. He crept to the doors of the guest rooms and opened the one he shared with Machi. The light from the hall tossed some light on her curled form. He was very tempted to crawl under the covers beside her and just stay there.

But this was his last night with Tohru. Tomorrow, or rather, later that day, she would be cremated and nothing would be left but bones. He shuddered and closed the door on Machi. His return to the living room was slow, and he'd missed the first story by the time he reclaimed his seat.

"Yuki, can you get Master some rice balls. I hid some in the second drawer of the fridge," Kyo said. "And lemonade, too?"

"I can get it, Kyo," Master Kazuma said. He was studying Kyo with a paternal air that had always made Yuki jealous. When he was younger, he'd hated seeing Master Kazuma lavish Kyo with affection when Yuki's own parents couldn't care less. People went on and on about how lucky Yuki was to be the Rat, and how terrible it was that Kyo was the Cat, but it had always seemed the Cat had more than the Rat ever had.

Master Kazuma reached out and ruffled Kyo's hair before getting to his feet. "Do you two want anything?"

Yuki shook his head as did Kyo and their burly martial arts instructor made his way to the kitchen. Kyo snuggled into the blanket. "Yuki?"

"Yeah?"

"If Master's gonna stay out here, you can go sleep with Machi," Kyo said.

"It's okay. I want to stay here, too," Yuki said. "But you know, with both me and Master Kazuma staying up, you could go to sleep for a little while. You didn't get any sleep last night."

"I'll sleep tomorrow," Kyo said. He stared straight ahead at the coffin. "She really does look like she's sleeping, huh? Like if I kiss her nose, she'll wrinkle it and roll over until I tickle her."

"Yeah," Yuki said. "Like Snow White."

"Do you think she's watching us now?" Kyo asked.

Yuki rubbed his arms, thinking about that. "I... don't know. I want to think she can see us and check in on us from time to time."

"She told me she wouldn't spy on me," Kyo said with a small chuckle. "She said she'd just peek in and make sure I turned the coffee pot off every morning."

"She would say something like that," Yuki said. "Will you leave it on just to see if she'll turn it off one day?"

Kyo snorted. "Hadn't thought about it." He coughed lightly. "I hope she liked the wake. I mean, I think it went okay. She would have been happy, right? Do you think?"

"She would have loved it," Yuki said. "From the rice balls to the kimono and the decorations; she would have applauded."

"Yeah?" Kyo asked. He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders. "How about Uotani, huh?  I didn't think she'd ever come back in. She even burned incense."

Yuki shook his head. "I don't think she really believed that Tohru wouldn't get better."

"Can't hold that against her. Nothing wrong with not giving up on people," Kyo said. His voice faded in and out.

"You want another blanket?" Yuki asked and got up when Kyo nodded. He pulled the afghan off the back of the couch and draped it over Kyo's shoulders. "Are you okay?"

Kyo shook his head. "Ask me that later, 100 years later."

"I'll make note of that," Yuki said. He sat on the arm of the sofa by Kyo's head. "Hey."

"Hey."

"Do you... have you thought about maybe coming to Tokyo, with me-later, I mean. You've never come to visit me, and it could be great," Yuki said.

Kyo shrugged. "No, but... I don't know. Maybe." He scratched his head. "Would you want me to?"

"Yeah, of course," Yuki said.

"What about Machi? I don't want...."

"Machi wants you to come, too." Yuki hadn't asked her, but he was sure she'd have no problem. "She wants to know my family. She's not too close with hers."

"Are they crazy? Because you guys have a lot in common when it comes to having crazy families," Kyo said. He turned his head, resting his cheek on the sofa arm. Yuki stroked red hair off his face, frowning at the dampness of it. Was he still sweating?

"That's how we bonded actually," Yuki said. "The first family member of ours she formally met was Ni-san, you know?"

"Oh gods, and she still went out with you?" Kyo grinned.

"Tohru went out with you after living with Shigure and knowing Akito would be an in-law," Yuki said, poking Kyo's back.

"Tohru was special. She liked  _everybody_ , I mean,  _everybody_. Even the smelly old man that came to the bakery every Friday with no shoes and never ordered anything, she liked him."

Yuki chuckled. "Yeah, there's no denying Tohru was special."

"And she still wanted to be with me, and I had her... not for long, but I had her," Kyo said. He shut his eyes. "How do you move on from an angel, Yuki?"

Yuki rubbed Kyo's back. "I don't know."

"I'm not going to move on, am I?"

Yuki didn't answer. He didn't know.

* * *

 

(~*~)

More people showed up for the funeral than the wake. Some of Tohru's estranged family came and had to introduce themselves because no one had a clue as to who they were. The temple was nice, something Tohru would have appreciated, and the altar built for her at the temple was large and elaborate. Kyo had spared no expense.

Yuki sat near Machi and stumbled as he went to that large, new altar and dropped a pinch of incense into the urn there. There were so many people that it seemed to take an eternity for everyone to get to altar to make their offering. The rosary beads around Yuki's wrist were starting to chafe his skin, but he didn't think it'd be appropriate to remove them yet, not while they were in the temple. The priest finished his sutra after the last person sat, and when he was done, everyone rose to bow as he left the room.

Yuki watched Kyo stand up and walk to the front of the room where the priest had stood, in front of Tohru's casket. "I'd like to thank everyone for coming today, and if you came to the house yesterday, thanks. Your gifts are generous and Tohru would have loved it. I'm not that great with words and making speeches, so you're not going to hear anything profound from me, but just know my family and I are grateful to all of you for supporting us, and for loving Tohru. The world lost a little bit of sunshine when she left it. Ah, if you want to see her one more time, come up now, before they close the casket. Family first, please."

Beneath the altar sat a large, wicker basket full of the cat-shaped rice balls. Kyo picked up the basket and sat it atop the altar. "Instead of flowers to put in the casket, we've got rice balls."

There were soft titters and Yuki took Machi's hand as they rose with the rest of the Sohma family members, and Hanajima and Arisa, to come to the front and place a rice ball in the casket with Tohru. Kyo remained at the front, staring at the depleting supply of rice balls in the basket. Machi and Yuki each took one, and Yuki let Machi set hers inside first. He watched her place the little cat on the pillow next to Tohru's head. Yuki clutched his cat-ball, leaving the imprints of his fingers in the rice. He set it next to Tohru's cheek and just stared at it. They'd be burned together, Tohru and her rice kittens. When they picked her bones out of the ash, there would be nothing left of them. A tear slid down his cheek and he moved on, but did not go back to his seat. He nodded for Machi to go sit back down, and he went to stand beside Kyo.

Ritsu was the last Sohma to place a rice ball in the casket. At the bottom of Kyo's fruit basket was one of Tohru's folded aprons. Kyo pulled the apron from the basket and shook it out. He walked to the casket and gently draped the apron over Tohru's chest and waist. "Silly Rice Ball," he said with a sad laugh, "you left me all alone."

He touched her face and her lips and her eyelids and swallowed hard. He took his place standing in front of the altar again and Yuki placed a hand on his back, willing his cousin strength. Kyo hadn't been able to eat that morning, despite anything Hatori had given him, and his entire body was shaking.

Other guests that wanted to see Tohru one last time got up, some depositing flowers in the casket, others, employees from the bakery or employees and students from Kyo's dojo, placed origami animals in the casket. When the last person placed a rose in the box; Kyo clapped a hand over his mouth, and stood still for a moment. Slowly, he removed his hand and steadied himself, looking at Yuki. "Help me close the coffin?"

Yuki nodded. Together they closed the double panels of the casket, sealing Tohru's sleeping face away forever. Yuki's hands were as clumsy as Kyo's were steady on the latches and a funeral home representative handed Kyo a key. Kyo locked the casket and tucked the key in his pocket. He then placed both hands on the coffin, and pressed his forehead to the sanded wood.

Hatori, Shigure, Hatsuharu and Master Kazuma were waiting for Kyo to move before they performed their duties as pall bearers and carried Tohru to the hearse. Minutes passed. Yuki came to place both hands on Kyo's shoulders. He gave him a small pull and Kyo staggered back into his arms. Hugging him, Yuki led Kyo down the aisle that parted the guests. He ignored the pitying eyes as he got Kyo to temple door. They stepped out into the bright sunlight, the coolness of the day revitalizing Yuki a bit.

The black family car was parked behind the hearse, but they'd have to go down a small staircase and walk a little ways to get to it, and Kyo was wobbling. Yuki helped him sit down on the top step and sat beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Kyo was hyperventilating by the time Yuki got him down.

Yuki pushed Kyo's head between his knees. "Take deep breaths, Kyo. Breathe in, and then breathe out. Come on." Yuki wished he had a bottle of water, anything to offer. He used the handkerchief from his pocket to mop the sweat off Kyo's neck.

Kyo choked and gasped, trying to get control of his breathing.

"That's good," Yuki murmured. The driver of the family car opened his door and rested his arms on the roof of the car, peering at them.

"You guys okay over there?" He called.

A surge of anger swept through him. How dare this stranger sit there and watch them like they were putting on a show? He smothered his rage and stroked Kyo's back. "No. Can I ask you a favor?"

"Yeah. You want me to call somebody?" The man held up what must have been a cell phone.

"No, but can you help me get him to the car?" Yuki asked, because he didn't think Kyo was going to be standing up on his own before the pall bearers came through with the coffin, and Yuki didn't want Kyo to see the coffin again.

"Yeah, yeah, sure." The driver shut the car door and jogged across the grass and up the steps, taking them by two's. Yuki had only stared at the back of the man's head on the drive to the temple, so he hadn't been able to note his age, which wasn't very old, maybe mid to late twenties.

"He's the husband, right?" The driver asked and Yuki glared.

"Yes," Yuki said. "Get on the other side, and grab him under the arm." Yuki looped an arm under Kyo's shoulder and wrapped his other around his cousin's waist. The driver also hooked and arm under Kyo's shoulder, then cocked his head to one side.

"He's a skinny guy. I bet I can carry him."

"He'd hate that," Yuki said, then peered down the steep, stone steps and dreaded the idea of manhandling Kyo down them. "But if you're sure you can...."

The man hauled Kyo over one shoulder before Yuki finished his sentence. "I got him." He started down the stairs at a slower pace than he'd taken when he'd come up them. Yuki kept stride with him, ready to steady him or catch Kyo if the man slipped.

"My dad gave me this job a week ago. He owns the cars, you know. I been driving people from the airport to big houses and picking up guys in suits, but this is my first funeral. I didn't wanna, and when I picked you guys up I thought I was gonna see a lot of old people."

Yuki bit back his nasty comment about the joys of nepotism, not wanting to encourage the guy to talk more. Yuki found that the less he said to chatty people the sooner they shut up-usually.

"And man, when I found out this guy was the husband, geez. What are you guys, like, fresh out of high school? What are you doing married and, and dying and stuff. It's crazy, man."

They reached the bottom of the first staircase and started down the second, shorter, one.

"Go on and open the back door, I'll put him in."

Yuki nodded and crunched across the stone walkway to the curb where the car was parked. He popped open the backdoor of the car and waited for the driver to come closer with Kyo. The tall man shrugged Kyo off his shoulders, letting the redhead slide until his feet touched the ground, before gripping his waist and then pushing him back into the car, sitting him down. Kyo immediately leaned forward, putting his head on his knees. He was still breathing hard.

"Do you have water?" Yuki asked, hand on Kyo's shoulder.

"Uh... I got kiwi juice. I kinda drank some already, though."

Yuki stared at the man, and noted his blue contacts and bleached blond hair, dark roots sprouted at the top giving his mop a veined look. "That's okay."

"Ah... sorry, man," the driver scratched his head. "Hey, uh, you want the radio on? I can turn on some music or something."

"No," Yuki said. "It's fine. Thank you for your help."

"No problem, no problem. Geez..." He looked at his wristwatch and at the temple door. "Ah...."

Yuki loosened Kyo's tie and unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt. "Yes?"

"Er... uh... Nothing." He looked at his watch again.

"Are we running late?" Yuki asked. He looked at his watch for the first time that day and saw that it was 11:12 am. They were supposed to be done by 11:15. "Do you have more clients for today?"

The man's fake blue eyes widened and his shook his head. "Oh, nah... but uh...since you asked, I have an audition in Tokyo at 2:00."

And he'd come to work partially in costume? Yuki sighed. Once again: the joys of nepotism. "Kyo, how are you feeling?"

His cousin's breathing was back to normal, but he was sweating and his hands were cold and clammy. Yuki pressed his fingers against the artery in Kyo's wrist, feeling his pulse. It was rapid. "Kyo?"

"I'm fine. I'm great." Kyo said. He raised his head and sat up straight. His skin was gray. Yuki's stomach churned with worry.

The doors to the temple opened and the procession began. Yuki and Kyo watched as Hatori, Shigure Hatsuharu and Master Kazuma bore the weight of the casket on their shoulders. They carried Tohru's box down the stairs. The ornamented hearse parked in front of the family car was opened. A large space in back was the perfect fit for Tohru.

Guests trooped down the temple stairs, talking about what was for lunch or gas prices, or giving directions or commenting on the weather. Who knew what people who got to be normal after a funeral talked about?

"We're gonna burn her up," Kyo said in a light voice. His eyes were on the back of the hearse, watching the mortuary assistants secure Tohru's coffin. Hatori, Shigure, Hatsuharu and Master Kazuma stood off to the side, rubbing their shoulders and talking amongst themselves. Master Kazuma looked toward the car, and in a moment, he'd probably come their way.

"She won't feel anything." Yuki said gently. "She's not in there, anymore." Yuki spoke even as he shuddered. He couldn't stand the thought of Tohru being pushed into a furnace and burned until the skin melted off her bones and he did not want to be in the room it was going to happen in.

Master Kazuma was coming their way and Yuki sighed in relief.

"Is he all right?" Master Kazuma asked, touching Yuki's shoulder, then kneeling in front of Kyo. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Kyo said.

"Your hands are like ice," Master Kazuma said, "and you're shaking like a leaf. Do you want to go home?"

Kyo shook his head. "We're not done yet. The crematorium, the urn, the grave site; then it's over.  The crematorium, the urn, the grave site."

Master Kazuma peered into Kyo's face. "Don't push yourself so hard. Tohru would not want you to. I think I should take you home."

"No!" Kyo shouted. "I said I'm fine, and I'm doing this. If you wanna go home, go." Kyo pulled his legs inside the car and scooted over to the window seat, away from Master Kazuma.

Master Kazuma held up his hands and stepped back, hurt flashing in his eyes. "Okay fine, Kyo, whatever you want."

Master Kazuma looked to Yuki, eyes pleading for something. What? Did he think Yuki knew what do or something crazy like that? Yuki shook his head at the man and tossed up his arms.  _Why did you come over here if you don't know what to do?_  Yuki wanted to yell. He didn't need people looking to him for guidance.  _He_  wanted guidance.

Hatori and Shigure were headed to the car. Yuki looked to see Ayame, Mine, Hanajima and Gavin and Kisa and Hiro headed over as well. The car only fit ten comfortably, and no one denied that Tohru had been closest to Hanajima, Arisa, Kisa, Momiji, Hatori, Shigure, and Ayame, and Kyo and Yuki were givens. Arisa gave up her seat in the car to Gavin and Momiji had given his seat to Hiro, opting to ride with Hatsuharu and Rin. He'd given up shadowing Kyo after the wake.

Car doors opened and closed as people filed into the car. Yuki climbed into the backseat to sit beside Kyo before anyone else got in and took his spot. Kyo sat by the window, but stared at the back of the seat in front of him instead of out at the sea of cars in the temple parking lot. He glanced at Yuki briefly when their legs and elbows touched.

Hatori slid in beside Yuki and Shigure came in beside him. Ayame, Mine, Kisa, Hiro and Hanajima sat in the seat in front of them, and Gavin sat in the passenger seat next to the driver. The car was started and cool air circulated throughout the car. So many bodies crammed into one unit made the space a bit too warm, but it was fine once the car started rolling.

Hatori reached over Yuki and placed a bottle of water in Kyo's lap. "Drink that down and try to eat these." He extracted a packet of rice cakes from his pocket. "Give me your wrist."

Yuki felt like a counter top as Hatori splayed Kyo's extended arm over his legs and produced a stethoscope from his pocket. Just how deep were those things anyway?

Hatori placed the metal disk of the stethoscope on the inside of Kyo's wrist, listening with a speculative look on his face. He pulled it away after a moment and pinched Kyo's skin. Yuki watched the pale skin pucker and remain in place as if Hatori were still pinching it. Hatori hummed and nodded his head in his little way that said he'd just confirmed something he already knew.

Plastic crackled as Kyo fumbled with the plastic wrapping covering the snack food. He managed to make a tiny tear along the seam of the package. Yuki watched Kyo pick at one of the pale rice cakes, swallow as if it was toxic. He took a sip of water after every small pinch of food.

The hearse began to move as the driveway cleared, and as soon as it pulled away from the curb, the family car was put in drive. The ride to the crematorium was silent aside from the sound of Kyo's rippling food wrappers. Yuki kept his eyes in his lap. He didn't want to meet anyone's eyes. They were all probably wanting to ask him how Kyo was doing, as if Kyo wasn't sitting right there in the car with them.

Yuki placed his hand on Kyo's thigh and let it rest there, knowing that if he felt the family's attention, so did Kyo.

"Rice cake?" Kyo asked him, holding out the second rice cake in the package. Yuki accepted it, breaking the stiff snack in half. He and Kyo crunched together and shared the bottle of water, the distraction making the trip go by faster.

* * *

 

(~*~)

The crematorium was like a haunted house to Yuki. The building doubled as a funeral parlor and there were other viewing going on that day; more sad families, more bodies, more death. He kept feeling blasts of cold air and hearing creaking noises under his feet.

"Do you believe in ghosts, Hatori?" Yuki asked. His older cousin walked beside him. Kyo had been taken away by one of the funeral parlor attendants for the moment. Yuki had moved to go with them, but Kyo waved him off.

"Sometimes I think I do," Hatori said. "Why do ask?" Hatori focused on Yuki.

Yuki shrugged. 'This place feels inhabited. With all the death this place sees, I wouldn't be surprised if something or someone held on."

They entered a cozy parlor full of couches and arm chairs and large potted plants. There were no mirrors or reflective surfaces; nothing for ghosts and bad spirits to enter, according to superstition. The crematorium was beyond the parlor. In that room, Tohru's casket waited on a table to be slid into a furnace. More people entered the room after Yuki and Hatori, there was Ayame and Mine, and Haru and Rin, and Momiji and Ritsu and Hiro and Kisa, and Shigure and Akito, and Hanajima and Gavin, and Arisa and Kureno. Where was Machi? Yuki scanned the familiar crowd for her and saw her by a plant, fingers running over its fat leaves.

He made his way over to her, and cleared his throat to get her attention. She started; then reached out to take his hand. "Hey, who did you ride with on the way over?" Yuki asked her.

"Your cousin Ritsu and his mother. Yuki, do you think I can ride in the family car if I sit in your lap? Ritsu and his mother are a bit strange, and that's saying a lot compared to other people I've met," Machi said.

Yuki chuckled and kissed her cheek. "We can just ask someone to let you ride in their place. You could have ridden with us in the first place, honey."

"I didn't want to take that right away from anyone, Yuki," Machi said. "I just never got the chance to know Tohru well. I didn't belong in the family car."

"You belong where I do," Yuki said. He hugged her, eyes scanning the room. Momiji sat near Hatsuharu nodding at whatever the former ox said. His eyes were closed and his fists were clenched. Rin stood a few feet away with Kagura, holding a tissue out to the sobbing girl. Kisa and Hiro stood by the fireplace; Hiro had his arm around Kisa. Ayame sat with Shigure, and Mine, their heads close together in serious discussion. Akito was off to one side, staring out of the window. Akito came to all of the family gatherings, but she always seemed to stand apart from them all unless Shigure pulled her into the mix. If Yuki had been in her place, he was sure he would be as uncomfortable around the family as they were around him. Yuki didn't know why Akito bothered; he wouldn't.

But the fact remained that Akito had been crazy about Tohru. She wouldn't miss her funeral; not even if it meant suffering a room of people she'd tormented who still held grudges.

As if she sensed Yuki's gaze, Akito looked his way and Yuki quickly averted his gaze. Today was hard enough without Akito thinking Yuki was inviting her over to exchange condolences. A door opened and Kyo and a funeral attendant stepped into the room.

"Family, please follow me," the attendant said.

Yuki looked at the crowd of his relatives with a groan. There was no way he could push through all of them to get to Kyo's side right now. He and Machi had to file into the line with everyone else. He held his breath as they stepped over the threshold of the crematorium. The floor was marble and the walls were cake frosting white. The space was clean, neat and plainly decorated. In the center of the room were the furnaces with flat tables in front of them. On one table sat Tohru's sealed casket. Kyo stood beside it, his hand on the smooth wood.

Yuki felt Machi's hand on the small of his back, pushing him forward. "Go to Kyo."

Yuki nodded, excusing himself as he swiveled through family. They pretty much parted like the Red Sea when they saw that it was him. Nearest to Kyo was Master Kazuma and not too far from him were Hatori, Hanajima and Gavin. Yuki reached Kyo's side, nudging his shoulder to let him know he was there. Kyo's head was down, eyes studying his shoes. He glanced up at Yuki through tear-spiked lashes. "This is it," he murmured.

Yuki nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat.

Hatori said something. The funeral parlor attendants standing around the table and the furnace said something. There were nods, and the door to the furnace was opened. Yuki waited for tongues of flame to leap through, popping and sizzling, like the pits of Hell incarnate, but there was nothing. He felt a shimmer of heat and smelled the tang of hot metal and earth.

The table tilted and the coffin slid toward the hot furnace. Yuki found Kyo's sweaty hand and clutched it. Tohru was really and truly dead after this. She wasn't coming back. They'd never see her again.

The coffin slid, rumbling as it made its way to the furnace's awaiting jaws. It happened slowly, the end disappearing, then the middle, and then the head, until it was gone and the furnace doors were closed. The table tilted downward until it was level again, and empty as if nothing had ever been on it. As if Tohru had never existed.

She was gone.

Kyo's hand went slack in Yuki's grip and Yuki cried out in surprise when Kyo's weight fell back into him, nearly knocking him to the ground. He wrapped his arms around Kyo's waist, sliding to the floor with him, holding on tight as Kyo's boneless form slumped against him.

Yuki heard other shouts and heard Hatori barking orders at someone. He couldn't make sense of the cacophony. He stared at Kyo's pale face, watching his dark lashes flutter over his cheeks and chose to concentrate on that instead of thinking of Tohru inside a metal oven being roasted into oblivion.

He stroked Kyo's cheek, rubbing away a tear that had fallen from his own face onto Kyo's. He sensed rather than saw Hatori beside him, telling him to lay Kyo flat; Yuki was frozen in time. He saw white lights and heard white noise.

Was he dreaming?

Could he possibly be asleep and having a nightmare?

"Yuki? Yuki, can you hear me? Yuki?"

_Somebody wake me up._

* * *

 

Backstreet Boys. "Don't Wanna Lose You Now."  _Millennium_. Jive, 1999. CD.


	15. "The Feeling's Gone..."

A silly drama based on a manga series was on. The small flat screen TV Master Kazuma brought into the guestroom sat on a low vanity dresser; the soft flickering light was sort of soothing in the darkness of the room. Yuki sat propped up on the bed, pretending to read a book Mayu-sensei had left behind. It was different to be in a room lightly personalized with Hatori and Mayu-sensei's things, but the room Yuki stayed in with Machi was too messy and Kyo would not go anywhere near his own room.

Yuki turned a page in the novel and glanced over at Kyo. His cousin laid flat on his back, shadowed eyes closed. An IV trickled a saline solution into Kyo's body, replenishing the fluids he couldn't drink without gagging. After Kyo's collapse at the crematorium, they'd come straight home. Kyo had been so out of it, but he made one thing clear: he was not going to a hospital. Hatori hadn't argued with him, but when the crematorium called two hours later for them to collect Tohru's ashes, Kyo was not allowed to go.

Ayame, Mine, Shigure, Akito, Hanajima, and, surprisingly, Arisa went back to the crematorium to remove Tohru's bones from ashes and place them into the burial urn. The rest of the family went on to the grave site in Tokyo where Tohru's mother was buried. The others would follow with the urn. Master Kazuma had wanted to stay behind but Kyo insisted that he go. Kyo had insisted that Yuki go, too, but Yuki wouldn't budge.

"You think they put what's left of her in the ground yet?"

Yuki jumped at the rusty sound of Kyo's voice. "I don't know, probably. They've been gone a while."

Kyo shuddered. "It's got to be cold, you know, in the ground. I know she's not in there, that she's gone, but I still thinking about it. She looked like Tohru in that box, like she could wake up, like there was a mistake, but once we sent her up in flames there was no going back." He gave a humorless laugh. "What if we burned her alive? When I fell...in there...in that place where we burned her up... I kept hearing her scream. It's gone now, though. I don't hear anything."

Yuki dropped the book, staring at Kyo in horror. "Kyo, she wasn't screaming."

"You wouldn't hear it. You weren't connected to her like I was. I could always tell when she needed me. It was like a sixth sense, and now it's gone. Just gone." Kyo continued to shudder, his chest rising and falling like he was running a race.

"No, Kyo, she wasn't screaming at all. No, I wasn't connected to her like you, but I can tell you that Tohru was not in that box. If she was in the room at all, she was standing next to you, not being burned."

"You think?" Kyo asked, voice cracking. "Because I didn't feel her next to me." His eyes opened; his gaze desperate. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. "It's so funny how I only knew her for seven years-that seems so short a time-seven years out of twenty-three. I lived for fifteen years before I knew her, but I don't remember how I did. Guess I have to figure it out, huh?"

Yuki placed a hand on Kyo's brow and massed his temples with the pads of his thumb and pinky finger. "It doesn't feel like it now, but it's gotta get better."

Kyo closed his eyes again and Yuki pulled his hand away. He touched Mayu-sensei's book, but didn't pick it back up. There was a slight knock on the door before Hatori opened it and came inside with a tray. Two bowls of soup, a plate of crackers and two steaming mugs of tea sat atop it. Hatori set the tray on the bedside table closest to Kyo.

"Shigure called and let me know that everything is going fine. They've reached the grave site and the grave has been opened. He says the engraving on the tombstone is elegant and the white birds look beautiful."

Yuki nodded. "That's great, Hatori."

"Are you still cold, Kyo?" Hatori perched beside Kyo, lifting his wrist and timing his pulse. He frowned. "Can you sit up?"

Kyo barely opened his eyes for him. "I'm not going to any hospital, Hatori."

"I wasn't going to suggest that," Hatori said. "I can care for you right here. I'm just worried about you. Now, will you sit up? I want you to try to eat something."

Kyo rolled onto his side, away from Hatori and facing Yuki. "Not today."

"Kyo, there's only so much an IV can do for you."

"So?" Kyo's voice was barely audible.

"Okay," Hatori said, keeping his voice soft. "I'm not going to push it tonight, but tomorrow you're going to have to eat, even if it's just a little bit." He rubbed Kyo's back, his eyes as heavy as Yuki had ever seen them with sadness, but Yuki didn't think that sadness was grief for Tohru.

Kyo stared at a blank point on the wall and didn't reply to Hatori. Yuki cleared his throat. "What kind of soup did you bring, Hatori?"

Hatori blinked at Yuki. "Oh, just a simple broth. I'm not the chef Kyo is, and I didn't think anything fancier would sit too well anyway."

"Sounds good." Yuki slid off the bed and approached the tray. He took one of the bowls and sat down in one of the armchairs by the window. He ate and looked at the flickering TV screen without watching.

Hatori sipped from the other bowl, his eyes on Kyo's back.

"Do we have any plans for tomorrow?" Yuki asked.

"Just seeing family off at the train station; the only people staying, it seems, are Ayame and Kazuma," Hatori said.

"And Machi," Yuki said. "She's not leaving for a few days. She e-mailed her professors and told them there was a death in the family."

"She's a very nice girl, Yuki," Hatori said.

"Yeah." He didn't want to talk about his relationship in front of Kyo. He finished his soup. "Do you need me to help you set up for when everyone gets back?"

Hatori took another sip of soup and shook his head. "Ayame and Mine pretty much did everything and the kids from the bakery are coming in an hour with food. I'll let them in when they get here."

So there was nothing left to do but stare at each other.

"How long do you plan to stay, in Maizuru I mean?" Yuki asked Hatori.

Hatori sighed. "For as long as I'm wanted. There are some things that I can help with."

There were a lot of things that he could help with. "Ayame said he could only stay another week."

"He's opened up a second store. He's been busy," Hatori said. "But he's got good help."

Yuki smiled. "And Mother and Father thought he'd never amount to anything."

Hatori chuckled. "They were wrong about the both of you." He set down his soup and drank some tea. "When's the last time you've spoken to either of them?"

Yuki scratched his head as he thought about the last time he'd spoken to his parents. "It was a long time ago, Hatori. I think I may have spoken to Mother sometime during my sophomore year of college. She didn't like my major, and Father hasn't spoken to me since high school because of the university I chose. I don't suppose I'll see either of them at my wedding either, since Mother doesn't like Machi."

Hatori shook his head. "This is off the record, but I've never liked your parents."

"I can't say that I dislike them; they're my parents, but I'm just okay with the fact that we'll never be close," Yuki said. "I'm glad for who I am close to."

"It's good to see you and Ayame acting so brotherly," Hatori said. "He wanted it so badly. He used to call Shigure and me in tears on some days."

Yuki felt a small pang in his chest. Ayame had cried over Yuki?

"He almost gave up a few times, but I always told him to keep trying, eventually everyone always gives in to him, even if it's just to make him quiet," Hatori said with a smirk.

Yuki laughed. "I just needed to know that he really cared. I think I didn't really understand that he did until he showed up at a parent-teacher conference and drove Mother absolutely mad. He was a new person to me after that."

"That conference, I had to hear about it from him and Mayu so many times," Hatori said.

"It was pretty funny," Yuki said. "I'll never forget the look on Mother's face."

"When Ayame burst through the door?"

"No, when I corrected her. She'd said Ayame was useless, and I told her that he wasn't. It was like watching a dish break. Then Ayame ruined the whole moment by texting you."

Hatori snorted. "His text messages go on for pages."

Yuki nodded. "That's my brother. He's going to design my wedding dress."

"Oh, so you've finally resigned yourself to that fate?" Hatori asked. "Good, because it is inevitable."

"It's sad that everyone knows I'm doomed to wear a white dress," Yuki said. "There will be no pictures."

Hatori chuckled.

"Take pictures."

Yuki glanced at the bed. Kyo was still in the same position. "Take as many pictures as you can of everything you do, every moment. You don't want to forget anything."

"Yes, of course. I was just joking. I will take plenty of  _head-shots_  at the wedding," Yuki said.

"And one full shot for the scrapbook," Kyo said. "Keep it hidden, but keep it. You'll be glad you did."

"That's something we'll have to get, a scrapbook," Yuki said. He didn't even know if he had pictures to put in it. Machi might have had a few. They weren't picture people and the maid tossed keepsakes and cards into the waste bin along with the rest of the clutter Yuki's apartment accumulated.

"Start it now," Kyo said. "Silly Rice Ball has like a 100 of those stupid fluffy, lacy things. People think we read a lot when they see those bookshelves. It's all scrapbooks."

"Do you-want to go through them?" Yuki asked tentatively.

"No," Kyo said.

"Okay."

"I'll do it when I pack them up," Kyo said. "This place is gonna take forever to pack up. Maybe I should pay someone to do it."

Yuki felt the soup he'd eaten rise to his throat. "You don't have to hire anyone. I'll help, we'll all help. I think that it should be done by family, and maybe Hanajima and Arisa."

"Right, because there's stuff Tohru wants them to have," Kyo mumbled, "and there are those letters."

Yuki swallowed thinking about the letter for him Tohru had told him about. "Can we talk about this again later, Kyo?"

"'Kay," Kyo breathed.

Yuki took his place on the bed again and Hatori gathered the dishes, piling them on the tray and carrying them back out of the room.

An hour later, the doorbell rang.

"Kyo, do you want to go out there? We can move the IV...."

Silence. Yuki peered at his cousin; his eyes were closed, lashes fluttering, and his breathing was deep and even. Yuki smiled and unrolled a blanket at the foot of the bed. He spread it over Kyo and settled back against a pillow. Kyo had the right idea.

They were done for today.

* * *

 

(~*~)

Kyo slept for 22 hours after the funeral. Hatori shook him awake a few times to assure himself that Kyo hadn't slipped into some sort of sleep deprived coma. Yuki sat at the kitchen table picking at a plate of rice and vegetables. Everything tasted so bland, though he was sure it really wasn't. Neighbors kept bringing food. They showed up in the morning with breakfast and coffee, in the afternoon with lunch and tea, and in the evening with dinner and wine. It was amazing. Each meal came with a note or a flower, something to give to Kyo. Ayame had gotten started on the thank you notes for the condolence cards and monetary gifts. Yuki was going to insist on writing the notes for the food, because Ayame was already doing way too much on his own.

Since yesterday, Ayame had been dealing with real estate agents. Yuki had been surprised; he'd figured Hatori would handle the business of selling the house, not Ayame. What did his big brother know about property value? But, Yuki was still learning not to underestimate his Ayame.

Hatori was handling the bakery business, making sure that it was opening and closing on time, and working on hiring a temporary manager. Master Kazuma put himself in charge of Kyo's dojo and was teaching classes and supervising. Machi had been doing her homework on Yuki's laptop in between making sure he was all right.

Currently, everyone was away: Hatori at the bakery, Master Kazuma at the dojo, Ayame at a real estate agency and Machi at the library. Yuki wasn't used to being left alone, lately. Someone else was always there, but things were calm. There was no reason for constant hovering.

It was strange how everything seemed to be falling into place and getting done, when it all should have been falling apart. Yuki gave up on his lunch and rose with his coffee cup in hand, coming to look out of the kitchen window. He almost smiled at seeing the neighbors out and about, walking dogs, jogging; riding bikes. Kyo had been right. The world didn't stop because one person did. He drank the coffee without tasting it. It wasn't Tohru's coffee, so it wasn't special.

A pair of joggers saw him through the window and waved. He waved back. This would have been a great neighborhood for Kyo and Tohru to raise children. He finished his coffee and placed his empty cup in the sink to wash out for later. Padded feet shuffled into the kitchen at a lazy pace. Yuki looked over his shoulder and spun around immediately. "Kyo, you're up!"

The redhead nodded at him fuzzily and shuffled to the fridge. He pulled out a carton of organic whole milk and drank from it, then pulled out a jug of regular whole milk and set it on the counter. Yuki stepped aside as Kyo rifled through the pantry, and emerged with flour and corn starch. He was going to cook?

Yuki spoke up when the mixing bowls and spoons came out. "Kyo, you're uh... making pancakes?"

"It's Monday, right?" His voice was sleepy.

"Yes, it is," Yuki said.

"Monday is for pancakes," Kyo said. He yawned and started pouring ingredients into the bowl, knowing proper the measurements by sight alone.

It was 2:00 in the afternoon, but if Kyo wanted to make pancakes-if Kyo wanted to do  _anything_ -who was Yuki to stop him?

Kyo whipped the batter and heated a skillet, melting a pat of butter in the center and rotating his wrist to cause the butter to slide around the skillet's face. The batter was poured in and soon perfect pancakes were piled onto a plate. Kyo wandered away from the pancakes, shuffling to the blank white board on the fridge. He stared at it for a long time. Yuki cleared his throat to get Kyo's attention.

His cousin was slow to turn around.

"Kyo, are you all right?" Yuki hated asking that question, because of course he wasn't, but it needed to be asked.

Kyo rubbed his eyes. They were dark, puffy caverns in a chalky face. "Who erased the grocery list?"

Yuki came closer to Kyo. His cousin didn't look well at all. "The grocery list? Kyo, there hasn't been a list since last week."

Kyo seemed to blink in slow motion. "You said it was Monday. Tohru should have..." He stopped and frowned as Yuki's eyes went wide. Yuki made it to Kyo in two large steps and placed a hand on the small of his back.

"Come on, we're sitting down." Yuki led Kyo to the couch. Tohru's shrine sat adjacent to it. Kyo's eyes went to it and he gasped. "Oh, no, no..." He pushed Yuki away and stumbled toward the hallway to his and Tohru's room.

Yuki's cell phone was in the kitchen. He wanted to call Hatori and tell him to come home, but he needed to go after Kyo now. Yuki followed Kyo, not catching him before he threw open the door to his bedroom and stared at the odds and ends of Ayame and Mine's stay in the room. "Who's been sleeping in here?"

"Ayame and Mine," Yuki said. "They've been using this room since the wake. Kyo...?"

"Right, right I know that," Kyo said. "I know. I just..." Without warning, Kyo sat down in the middle of the floor, dazed and hazy. Yuki knelt in front of him, pressing the back of his hand to Kyo's forehead. His skin was hot and dry.

"Kyo, you're sick. Come on; let's get you back to bed." Yuki reached down to take Kyo's hands and pull him up.

"No, this is our room. I want to stay in here." Kyo looked toward the closet Tohru had stored her shrine and wake decorations in.

"Okay, that's fine. Let me help you up, and you can go to bed," Yuki said.

Yuki got his arms under Kyo's and pulled him up. Kyo gave Yuki a small push away and went to the bed, falling onto it face first. He didn't move.

"I'll get you some water and aspirin. Do you want some more milk or one of the pancakes you made?" Yuki asked.

Kyo gave no answer nor did he move. Yuki touched his back and shook him lightly. "Kyo?"

"Just wash the skillet, Yuki. I don't like leaving dishes for Tohru."

Fear twisted Yuki's insides into pretzels. "Kyo, you're not leaving dishes for Tohru. Tohru's gone, right?"

"Yeah, yeah that's right," Kyo murmured. "Can't think, Yuki, my head feels funny."

"I-I'm going to call Hatori. I'll be right back. Don't move, okay?" Yuki ran from the room, skidding into the kitchen. His cell phone sat on the kitchen table. He snagged it and punched in Hatori's number. "Pick up, pick up, pick up... Hatori!"

"Yuki? Is everything all right?"

"No, Kyo's burning up and he's acting like he can't remember Tohru's dead. He says his head feels weird," Yuki blurted. "What do I do?"

"Get something into his stomach and then get him to swallow some aspirin and drink some water. I'm cancelling the rest of the interviews for today and leaving soon. Stay near him."

"Okay, but hurry." Yuki hung up and slid his phone into his pocket. He poured a glass of milk and grabbed a bottle of spring water; then he dashed back into Kyo's room. He set the drinks on a nightstand and scurried into the bathroom, searching the medicine cabinet for aspirin. He found a small bottle and twisted off the red cap, shaking two of the round pills into his palm.

He came back to the bed. Kyo was in the same prone position he'd been in before. "Kyo, time for medicine." Yuki rolled his cousin over gently and Kyo flopped over, limp as a corpse. His eyes were dull and his features were slack.

"Kyo, you have to sit up. I'll help you." Yuki placed his hands under Kyo's shoulders, pulling him upward. He grabbed the milk and pills. Kyo sat, head bowed. Yuki held the pills out to him, but Kyo's hands didn't come up to take the medicine.

"Open your mouth?" Yuki asked.

Kyo shook his head and leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. "Something's wrong with me."

"I know; the medicine will help you. Open up."

"The medicine didn't help Tohru." Kyo's fingers clenched. "I don't want it." He tried to get to his feet but Yuki held him down.

"Tell me what you want; I'll get it for you."

"Nobody can get me what I want!" Kyo shouted. "Now move so I can get to my damn closet!"

"What do you need out of there?" Yuki asked, not easing his hold. Kyo struggled, but his strength was waning. Yuki could see the fight leaving him.

"A letter box." Kyo sagged back onto the bed and rolled onto his side.

"I'll get it. Is it out where I'll see it or is it inside something?" Yuki asked.

"You won't find it," Kyo said. "I have to get it." His voice was weak. "Never mind." He brought his knees to his chest and shivered. Yuki worked the comforter from underneath Kyo and spread it over him.

He touched Kyo's cheek, frowning at how hot it was. "Kyo, you need aspirin."

Kyo shook his head. "Leave me alone."

"You should know what I'm going to say to that." Yuki sat on the bed.

"Worth a try." Kyo continued to shiver. "I hurt all over, like I pulled everything."

"How did you even get up, and make pancakes no less?" Yuki asked. Kyo hadn't seemed ready to collapse in the kitchen.

"Monday is for pancakes. Had to check the grocery list. I always do it. I make pancakes and Tohru makes syrup. Tohru writes the list and I go to the market."

"But you knew Tohru wouldn't make syrup this morning, and you knew there'd be no list."

"I want it to be there. I want it so bad, and people say when you want stuff bad enough it happens. I thought I could make it happen. Maybe I  _can_  make it happen. I just have to stick to the routine. She'll come back to finish her half. She could. Stranger things happen. I used to turn into a cat, a friggin' orange cat, when girls hugged me. I wore a damn girly bracelet to keep me from turning into a monster in the rain. If  _that_ can happen, she can come and make syrup."

Yuki stroked Kyo's hair off his face as his cousin spoke in fits, voice quivering.

"I shouldn't have agreed with her. I should have told her that I wanted her to keep trying, keep taking medicine. Uotani was right. She was right. Tohru would have done it if I asked her to. Yuki, did I kill her? Did I kill Tohru?"

Oh gods! Yuki lay down beside Kyo and wrapped his arms around his cousin. "No, Kyo, no you did not kill Tohru. She made a choice and you respected it. It was her body."

"It could still be her body! I could still have her. She might have been here longer."

"But what if she was in worse condition? What if she couldn't move around? What if she was so sick she wanted to...to die early?" Yuki said. "You made the right choice."

"I wouldn't be alone," Kyo whispered.

It was selfish, but Yuki would feel the same. More time with Machi, no matter the quality, was still time, but would he want Machi to suffer for his sake? Never-he thought that now, but it had to be different after she was dead and he had time to think about it and be without her.

"You're not alone," Yuki said.

Kyo sniffled. "Doesn't change how I feel."

Yuki pulled away from Kyo, sitting up to look down at him. Kyo stared at a picture of Tohru standing in front of The Rice Ball with an enormous grin on her face. She wore an apron with the words "The Rice Ball" embroidered on it. Her hands were outstretched as if she was coming to hug the camera man.

Yuki didn't know if he should cover the picture or bring it over.

_Where are you, Hatori?_

"Why is it so cold in here?"

"I'll get you another blanket, and a hot water bottle," Yuki said.

"And more pillows?"

Yuki glanced at the two large pillows on the bed, one underneath Kyo's head already. Yuki took the other, holding it over Kyo. "Where do you want this one?"

Kyo reached up, taking the pillow and working it under the covers. It disappeared and Kyo's legs shifted under the blanket. "All right, I'll be back." Yuki patted Kyo's shoulder, and left the bedroom. He walked slowly to the linen closet and took his time going to the kitchen for the rubbery bottle Tohru had used to ease her aches and pains at night. He tried to regroup. What should he do when he went back in? Maybe he could come back with a book and read aloud, or he could put on some music. He could play a movie or TV show on his laptop. The last website he'd visited for helping loved ones deal with bereavement said that he should distract Kyo.

Yuki found Tohru's hot water bottle in a cabinet above the stove top. He squeezed the stretchy material, remembering Tohru's lying on her stomach with the bottle resting on the small of her back. Kyo would be cooking or vacuuming, stopping by to steal kisses, or tease her, or ask her opinion about sauce ingredients, or sometimes just to look at her. The pain in her eyes dulled when Kyo entered the room, her sparkle revived. When Kyo finished his chores he would slip onto the couch, putting Tohru's feet in his lap and massaging them as they talked about the neighbors or Kyo's students or the bakery staff and customers.

Yuki squeezed the bottle so hard he thought it might explode. It wasn't right. He threw the bottle and didn't wince when it hit a magnet on the refrigerator and brought it crashing to the floor. He wanted to break something, hurt something, make it scream like he couldn't.

Instead, he picked the water bottle off the floor and tossed it onto the counter. The cracked magnet on the floor was a small picture of Kyo, Tohru and Yuki at the boardwalk during her first weekend home from the hospital. Yuki lifted it, sniffling quickly and blinking back tears. He could fix it. He just needed glue. The crack widened along the contours of Tohru's face. She stood between Yuki and Kyo, holding their hands.

Dammit. He let the magnet hit the floor again, watching it break in half. What was he thinking? He couldn't fix anything. He grabbed the water bottle and marched to the sink to run hot water from the faucet. He'd sweep up the mess later. Into the trash it'd go.

Once the water bottle was filled, Yuki screwed the lid on tight. He reclaimed the quilt he'd draped over the back of a kitchen chair and made his way back to Kyo's room to wait until he could turn Kyo's care over to Hatori for a while.

 

 

* * *

 

3 Doors Down. "Away From the Sun."  _Away From the Sun_. Republic, 2002. CD.

 


	16. "Starin' Down the Barrel of a 45."

"What are you planting?"

"Leeks," Yuki said. He looked up from the soil he was tending. Ayame stood just outside of the square of earth reserved for Tohru's plants in tan, draw-string khakis and a long sleeved white shirt. He held a white canvas bag and a pair of sunglasses were pushed up into his hair like a headband.

"Oh, and here I thought you were planting something romantic," Ayame said. "Can you take a break, or are you at a crucial moment in your planting?"

Yuki rolled his eyes and removed his large gardening gloves. He settled them on the dirt and stood. "Yes, Nisan, what is it?"

"Well, the agent I've decided to work with has found a potential buyer for the house already. It's a young couple with a child. They seem like very nice people, but I wasn't expecting for anyone to respond to the prospect of the house being on the market so soon. I thought it would take months. It's much too soon to speak to Kyo about this, but these buyers might be the kind of people Kyo would want to live in this house. I want to meet with them, and... I'd like for you to come with me."

Yuki stared. "What? Nisan, you're much better with people than me. I don't see why...."

"You'll best be able to determine if these people are people Kyo will like," Ayame said.

"Whether I like them or not will not mean Kyo will be ready to move out of his house for these people to move in," Yuki said. "Your first instincts were right; it's too soon, much too soon."

"Well, the Nakamura family doesn't want to move in immediately. The only reason why the real estate agent even considered them and contacted me was because the family would be looking to move in six months from now."

"That could still be too soon, Nisan. We don't even know if Kyo's going to stick with his decision to sell the house. He's been changing his mind so much lately," Yuki said. Kyo hadn't wanted to look at photo albums two days ago, after the funeral, now he lay in bed thumbing through the same volumes over and over. He hadn't wanted to sleep in his and Tohru's bed, and now he wouldn't leave the room.

"He's grieving and ill; he can't think clearly, but when he's feeling better, I think he'll still want to sell this house, or lease it," Ayame said. "The family is willing to lease the house with hopes of eventually buying."

"I don't want to get these people's hopes up, and I'm not telling Kyo about this," Yuki said firmly. "Nisan, you'll just have to tell the agent 'no'."

Ayame sighed and played with his sunglasses. "I think we'd be passing up a good thing."

"If it's that good, the people will be willing to wait until Kyo himself wants to talk about selling his house to them," Yuki said. "It's great that you've gotten this real estate thing in motion, Nisan, but you're going too fast. Take a break."

"Little Brother, I'm only going to be here for three more days. I don't want to leave things so unfinished," Ayame said, sounding sad. "I know I can keep making plans and deals over the phone, but it's so much easier to do these things while I'm here."

"You've done more than enough Nisan," Yuki said. "You've been amazing. I couldn't have asked anyone else to do better." He squinted at Ayame; the daylight set his pale skin and hair aglow. He looked like a celestial being, which was what he'd been for the past few weeks. "Thank you, Nisan." Yuki hugged Ayame and felt his brother stiffen in surprise before loosening and hugging Yuki back.

Yuki couldn't remember the last time he'd initiated a hug between himself and Ayame. Ayame usually grabbed him; Yuki didn't need to put any work into it. "You always come through."

Ayame patted Yuki's back and stepped away. He looked upwards for a second, then back at Yuki, biting his lip. "Yuki, I want to ask you something else."

Yuki frowned. Ayame was fidgeting with his hands and shuffling his feet. He realized that he'd never seen his brother look nervous before; it was a bit unsettling. He hadn't already set up an appointment with that family had he?

"Go on."

"After this-this tragedy, I've realized that life's too short and anything can happen," Ayame said slowly. "I've been putting it off and making excuses, but Little Brother, it's time that I ask for Mine's hand. I want to be married in the summer, and I want-will you be my best man?"

Yuki almost stumbled a step backward. "Nisan, me? Not Shigure or Hatori, me? Are you sure?"

Ayame beamed. "Of course, it is my dream to have you stand next to me like I hope I can stand next to you. But I know you have many close friends, so I don't expect to be the best man at your wedding."

Yuki blinked in surprise. He hadn't even thought about a best man. He'd supposed it would be Kakeru, but after  _this_ -he wanted it be Kyo, but... Ayame was his brother. Damn, yet another decision to make.

"But I am planning your wedding after all, Little Brother. You can have two best men, or three! It will be sensational," Ayame said, beam growing wider. He eclipsed the sun when he got excited like that.

"What about your own wedding? What will you plan for it?" Yuki asked, curious. If Yuki's wedding was going to look like a white bomb went off, what was Ayame's wedding going to look like?

"Oh, it'll be a small, intimate affair. Mine talks a little about the wedding she wanted to have when she was a little girl sometimes. She knew she wanted to be a designer when she started setting up her dream wedding for her dolls. Little outdoor events with gazebos threaded with lilacs and the ocean as a backdrop. She only had enough little wicker chairs for twelve, and so her dolls would only tell their most special people that they were getting married."

Only twelve chairs: that meant only six chairs for Ayame and six for Mine. "Nisan, what about our family? Twelve chairs won't seat all of them, and then there's Mine's family to consider."

"Which is why our wedding will be a private affair; not exactly an elopement because we will tell the people we want to join us what we're doing, but for the most part, not many people will know that we're even engaged."

Yuki thought about that, a small wedding, limited family, limited décor, limited stress. "That's brilliant Nisan! I think that you should plan the same kind of wedding for me...."

"Oh don't be ridiculous Yuki! You're much too popular for a private affair! Haha! Why your guest list shall be spectacular. I should get started on it soon. Oh, the invitations will be marvelous and elegant and the talk of the town."

"Nisan?"

"Yes dear brother?" Ayame stopped gushing and clasped his hands together.

"Why are you downplaying your own wedding?" Yuki asked. Ayame should want to throw a big sparkling wedding for himself. Why was he pushing it on Yuki instead?

Ayame looked startled, before recovering, his smile wavering. "I'm not...."

"You are," Yuki said. "Why are you trying to live vicariously through my wedding? You know I don't like big deals done in my honor. What's really wrong, Nisan? Why do you want to do this, aside from wanting to make my dress?"

Ayame sighed and shrugged. "There's nothing Yuki, I just... I don't think many people would show up for my wedding if I had an extravagant affair." His golden eyes were bright. "My only friends are Hatori, Shigure, Ritsu, Mine and you, Nisan. Hatori can bring Mayu-chan, and you may bring Machi, and if Kyo would honor me with his presence I would like him there as well. Mine only wants to invite her parents; her sister will be her maid of honor."

"You mean that your only close friends are us; you have plenty of other people to invite who'd love to come out and support you," Yuki said. Ayame attracted people; they were intrigued by his eccentricities.

Ayame gave a sad chuckle. "I annoy more people than I endear I'm afraid, but thank you for believing that about me. I don't mind. So many people worry about not knowing who their real friends are, with me, I've always known, and it is very special to me that you all be the ones to share the day with me."

"And just how many 'real' friends do you think I have Nisan?" Yuki asked.

Ayame smiled. "More than you know, Little Brother. Do not worry. You'll enjoy the wedding. I know what I'm doing."

And after the wake and funeral, and the real estate agent, and dealing with mother and father on Yuki's behalf, he couldn't doubt that Ayame knew what he was doing. "Of course you do, Nisan."

Ayame ruffled his hair and pressed a kiss to his brow. "You're so cute. Now, go back to your leek planting. I have to call the agent about the family."

Yuki bit his lip on that. "Uh...."

Ayame glanced at him. "Don't call the agent right away," Yuki said slowly. "Let me think about it some more, okay?"

"Are you sure?" Ayame asked. "Because this is a beautiful place; someone else will come along who will be just as good as this family. You're right that we don't have to hurry into this."

Yuki sighed and nodded. "I'm sure. Just... give me a day, and I'll tell you what I think, then."

Ayame ruffled his hair again with a fond smile. "Thank you, Little Brother."

Ayame went into the house, closing the door behind him. Yuki looked down at his dirt streaked jeans and filthy shirt. He loved working with his hands when he was frustrated, or sad, or nervous, or procrastinating, or avoiding things. He was all of those things right now. It was hard to be inside that heavy house. Every time he went inside it felt like a curtain of rock was crushing him to the floor. Machi said she understood how he felt, but how could she really? He let her kiss him and hold him at night, he let her tempt him with food and tell him funny stories. She had even gone out and bought a scrapbook. There were no pictures, and she didn't want to take any pictures now, in Maizuru. It had to be bad luck to start your first scrapbook out with death and sadness.

Yuki went back down into the dirt to finish his planting. Machi was leaving tomorrow, and he had no idea of when to tell her he'd be coming home. He didn't want to talk to Kyo about Tokyo right now, not while he was sick, and crying off and on, and unwilling to eat. He imagined Kyo curled up in a ball on his and Tohru's bed, hugging her pillow that he'd wrapped one of her scarves around. Hatori didn't leave the house. He sent Machi out to buy things, because she said she didn't mind, and because Yuki didn't feel like leaving the house and interacting with the outside world. He liked the bubble he was in. He didn't have to talk to anyone he didn't want to, he didn't have to explain to anyone what happened or how he felt or why he was staying when everyone else was leaving.

Yuki patted the dirt. He and Machi would buy a house after they were married, one with a yard where he could start a garden. They'd take all sorts of pictures of them moving in and of Yuki's first breaking of the dirt. Their scrapbook would mark the beginning of their life as a unit. He'd never be able to forget anything. He dug another hole, flinging the dirt, not caring where it went.  If they had kids-gods kids!-they would start a new scrapbook for each of them. He didn't bother planting another seed; he went on to digging the next hole, stabbing deep into the ground.

Would Kyo start new scrapbooks? Would he take pictures of himself at his dojo on his first day back to work without Tohru? Would he take pictures of a new general manager of The Rice Ball? Would he take pictures of the people he sold his house to-of him moving away?

Who'd want to remember that?

And if there was a new wife one day, what would Kyo do with all of his old scrapbooks? Would he hide them, Tohru, away? The garden became a mess of holes and loose dirt. Yuki smeared mud across his forehead and stared at the dirt under his nails. He'd forgotten to put his gloves back on. Shaking his head his rose, his knees knocked together slightly, and he remembered the lunch Machi had put out that he hadn't eaten.

He trudged into the kitchen, leaving his dirty boots outside the backdoor. Kyo sat at the kitchen table alone, a yellow letter box with cartoon butterflies and caterpillars glued to it sat in front of him, opened. He read a long letter, multiple pale pink pages spread out at his finger tips. The print was neat, feminine, with loopy letters and circles with smiley faces for dots. Tohru's writing. A box of tissue was in his lap.

"H-hi," Yuki greeted him. He hadn't spoken to Kyo that day, though he'd peeked in on him. He just didn't have much to say to his cousin, and knew Kyo would get tired of Yuki staring at him without words after a while.

Kyo glanced up at him through weary eyes. "Yo." His voice was a croak. Hatori had labeled Kyo's sickness as a conglomerate of illnesses: a bad cold, exhaustion, malnutrition, depression, dehydration, and just not giving a damn.

"Fever all gone?" Yuki asked. He would have touched Kyo's forehead, but his hands were disgusting.

"Yeah," Kyo said, "just needed water." He went back to his reading, a slight smile gracing his lips. He shook his head several times and murmured to himself. His finger caressed each page before pushing it aside for the next.

Yuki stood feeling awkward and curious. What had Tohru written and was her letter to Yuki in that box? "Ah... are those all of Tohru's letters?"

"Not all of them, but yeah, these are the ones she told you about," Kyo said. He paused in his reading and fished a thick, sky blue envelope out. "Here."

Yuki held out his hands, splaying his fingers to show Kyo how dirty he was. "I need a bath. I'll-um-come out and read with you in a bit. Are you going through things today?"

Kyo rubbed his eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"Oh." Yuki shuffled his feet. "Well, I'll be back in a bit, okay?" He left the kitchen thinking about Tohru's message to him...and to Kyo. What was he reading that made him smile?

Yuki took his time in the bathroom, not in a hurry to return to the kitchen. An hour passed before he padded back to the table. Kyo still sat, but reading another letter, this one on aqua green paper. The other letter had been placed back inside the box. Yuki smelled chicken broth and seasoning, and there was a silver pot on the stove. Was Hatori making dinner, or was Kyo?

"Kyo, are you cooking?" Yuki asked softly, not wanting to startle his cousin.

"No," Kyo said. "Your brother is."

Yuki blinked. Ayame was cooking? "Oh." He couldn't force enthusiasm into his voice. "He uh...put soup together?"

"He's heating up Mrs. Todou's soup. Hatori said she came this morning," Kyo said. He flipped the page he was reading over. Yuki sat down next to him, fingers moving to the blue envelope Kyo had left out for him.

"Have you had any?" Yuki asked, slowly opening the letter. The powder blue pages inside were unlined and soft.

"A little," Kyo said. A little usually meant a spoonful or two.

"Will you have some more with me later?" Yuki asked.

Kyo sighed. "I don't know." He rested his hand on top of the page he was reading and shut his eyes. "What did I do to make her love me so much?"

"You were yourself," Yuki said.

"She forgave me for everything I did," Kyo said. He folded the letter he was reading and put it away. He stared at his hands. "Even though I never did. Did you know that I could have saved her mom, Ms. Kyoko?"

Yuki stared at Kyo. His pale face was lost in some distant memory.

"The day Ms. Kyoko got hit by that car I was there. I could have grabbed her, pulled her back to the curb. I saw that car coming. But had I done that, she would have crashed into me, and I would have changed in front of all of those people. So, I just watched."

Yuki's heart clenched.

"It was so awful, and after that I hated myself even more than I did and I ran away for a long time."

The time Kyo had spent in the mountains fighting bears.

"When I told Tohru, I thought she'd hate me, too, but she didn't."

"Kyo, you knew all about Ms. Kyoko, but you pretended not to all that time?" Yuki asked.

Kyo shrugged. "I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to stay with you guys. There was so much I didn't want and couldn't face. It was why I was so angry all the time, well, angrier. I was this walking black hole and she filled me in. If it hadn't been for her, I think-I think I might have...followed my mom. It would have been too easy, and I wanted something to be easy for once."

He looked at Yuki with large, shadowed eyes. "The hole's back."

Yuki felt like someone had pushed him off a cliff. He was falling without a parachute or rope and there was no safety net. "Kyo... do you...."

"I hear her voice in my dreams, calling me. I wish...."

Yuki clutched his letter, staring hard at his cousin as his cousin concentrated on his clasped hands. "What do you wish?"

"I wish she'd taken me with her."

* * *

 

(~*~)

"He needs to see a counselor, Hatori," Ayame said. "You're not enough."

"I know, Ayame, but he doesn't want to. We can't force him to talk to someone when he doesn't want to; it will do him no good," Hatori said.

Yuki listened to the argument. He stood with his back against the frame of Kyo's open door. His cousin was asleep; his congested snores let Yuki know he was still breathing. After Yuki had convinced Kyo to eat a little more soup and go to bed, he'd raced to find Hatori and Ayame and repeated Kyo's wish.

"Hatori, I'm leaving in 3 days. Can you and Kazuma handle everything on your own?" Ayame asked. "I won't be able to return for at least a week and a half."

"We'll be fine Ayame," Hatori said.

"I hate this Hatori," Ayame said; he spoke in an unusual register. Was he crying? Yuki frowned, moving through the hallway to the den. He looked in to see Ayame sitting on the couch staring up at Hatori, who'd removed his glasses and was massaging the bridge of his nose.

"Everyone hates it," Hatori said. "But we'll get through it. Don't worry so much. You just go home, take care of Mine, and the real estate and your business."

"Hatori, I'd feel better if Mayu was still here. And with Machi leaving tomorrow, who's going to make sure Yuki's not overdoing it? He thinks he's responsible for Kyo," Ayame said. "If anything...happens... he'll think it's his fault."

"Nothing will happen on my watch, Ayame. Kyo is going to be okay," Hatori said.

"I don't see how he can be," Ayame said. "If Mine wasted away in front of me like that, I'd die."

Yuki's eyes filled and his stomach ached. He backed out of the room, returning to stand in Kyo's open doorway to watch him sleep.  _Not on my watch, Kyo._

Tohru's letter to him was in his back pocket, burning into his backside. He extracted it and slid down the door frame, staring at it, before pulling the blue pages out.

_Help me, Tohru. Please, help me._

He began to read.

 

* * *

Shinedown. "45."  _Leave a Whisper_. Atlantic, 2004. CD.


	17. "We'll Leave Behind a Life and Time..."

_To my Yuki-kun,_

_I hope you're smiling and laughing and happy; you deserve to be. You are one of the best people I have ever known, and one day, you'll know this without someone else having to tell you. You are a wonderful, beautiful person inside and out; please continue to let others see the real you. Never let what anyone else says cause you to hide who you are or who you want to be ever again._

_You and Machi should get married when it is warm, though you should have the wedding inside because of your allergies. You don't want to have red eyes in your wedding pictures. I know from experience, because I did. I cried so much you would have thought it was a funeral, but I was so happy. Who knew happiness would make for such ugly pictures! But Kyo-chan hung several of them over the mantle, so that all of our company can see what a blissful mess I was in my white dress. Kyo-chan looked so handsome though; he was glowing. He always glows when he's content, when he's enjoying himself, when he's being himself._

_Make sure he keeps glowing, Yuki-kun. He doesn't think he can shine without me, but he can. He can do anything. He still hurts inside from his mom and his dad and the way he was treated. He won't say anything, but he gets quiet sometimes and sometimes he thinks he's not good enough for me or anyone. Don't let him sink into that hole, Yuki-kun. Help him figure out that he doesn't need me; help him move on. I don't want him to forget me and "us", but I want him to be happy._

_Yuki-kun, you are the best for wanting to look after my Kyo for me. When it comes down to it, the only person I really trust to do it is you. You and he have always had a special connection. You were born to be friends. I wish I could have done more to bring you two together. I had planned to do so much with you and Machi. I wanted to go on couples vacations and have dinners and parties. I wanted to see your wedding and to wish you luck._

_I'm wishing you luck now. You are a force to be reckoned with Yuki Sohma, believe that. You always go on about how I changed your life, but it's time for you to know how you changed mine. I was in a dark place before I met you, Yuki-kun. My mother was gone and I had no family but my grandfather who was too old to really be what I needed. You, and Shigure-san and Kyo-chan became my new family. YOU filled me. I suddenly had a new purpose and a place to belong. If you and Kyo-chan were near, I was home._

_If I hadn't met you that day in the woods, in my silly tent, I don't know what would have happened to me. If I hadn't stumbled upon your family secret and you hadn't let me in as you did, things might have turned out so differently; I know that the life I would have had would not have been as magical as the life I did. Isn't it wonderful how kind Fate can be sometimes?_

_If only I didn't have to leave you so soon. If only I didn't have to leave Kyo so soon. Here is a secret that I never told Kyo or anyone. I wanted to have a baby, Yuki-kun. I went to the doctor for my examination and I was going to ask about getting pregnant this year. Instead, my doctor asked me about the lump in my left breast and how long it had been there. I never got to talk about a baby after that. I cringe even now thinking what if I'd told Kyo about wanting a baby before this happened? He didn't say anything to me, but I know he would have loved to have a baby. He likes kids. He's wonderful with his young students, and I have seen him watching mothers pushing strollers and fathers buying diapers in the store._

_I wanted to give him that. We wanted to raise a child and do everything right. The second guest room would have been for the baby. Kyo talked about building an addition onto the house, an extra bedroom. He didn't just want one baby. Oh, Yuki-kun, please take care of my baby, my Kyo.  I know you can't be with him every moment of every day; you have your own life. But for a while, for a little while, can you be there? Don't let him forget to eat, or sleep. Don't let him quit what he loves._

_Make sure he sells the house. He can't live in a shrine, and that is what the house will become. He'll wander around thinking of me, and nothing and no one else. When I'm in heaven, I know I'll miss my Kyo, but not so much that I'd want him to join me too soon. There was a time in his life when he thought he wanted to die, Yuki-kun. That time wasn't so long ago, not really. He says I'm the reason why he doesn't feel that way anymore, and I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. I can't ask you to save him from himself, but I know you'll try and not just for me. I know you love him, too._

_I'm sorry to make this letter so serious. It's supposed to be a note to remind you of what a prince you truly are, but you don't need a note from me. I'm sure Machi tells you every day. She's such a lovely girl, Yuki. You have lots of kids, okay. They'll be so beautiful and wise and kind, and so good at math. Oh Yuki-kun, you are so brilliant with numbers and figures. The Rice Ball wouldn't have thrived as much as it has without your help. Do your best with my little bakery. Why don't you open a second location, like you suggested and I never got the chance to do? What fun you'll have, you, and Kyo-chan, and Machi._

_I'm smiling as I write this because I see you all smiling at me through this page. I can see the future and you'll be together. It puts me at ease, and when I finally fall asleep at night it's because I'm thinking of that. You'll hurt, Kyo will hurt, but you'll get better; you'll help each other._

_Yuki-kun I know that my Kyo will not be the only one in mourning. I don't want you to forget about yourself while trying to help him. Let Ayame-san and Hatori-san help you. Let Machi and your friend Kakeru comfort you. Talk to Hana-chan and Uo-chan and hug Kisa and Momiji. Be nice to Akito, too!_

_But most importantly, I want you smile. I want you to smile and to remind everyone else around you to smile when you think about me, because I love smiles-and I love you!_

_Hugs and Kisses and Rice Balls, and Kittens,_

_Eternally Yours,_

_Tohru Sohma_

_P.S. This is the end of my letter. The pages to follow are recipes for Kyo's favorite foods. I've written out how to make everything step-by-step. I know you can't cook, Yuki, but with cooking it's the thoughts and feelings that count most. Though the end product might be burned and yucky, you and Kyo-chan will have a good laugh during the process. Just don't burn down the house._ _J_ _J_ _J_

_XO XO_

 

 

Yuki read the letter three times, tears rolling down his face as he giggled.  _Oh, Tohru. If I'm a prince, you were a princess; a queen._ He kissed the pages, inhaling the scent of her jasmine hand lotion. Of course he'd smile. Everyone should smile when remembering Tohru, the girl who thought Jason was a bear, and who would invite a burglar in for tea, and who could love free-loading customers who never bought anything.

The Rice Ball would become his priority. Hatori had been doing the work with hiring the general manager. Yuki would have to make himself part of that process. He'd also have to look into business real estate. How would opening a second Rice Ball in Tokyo work out, or perhaps The Rice Ball worked because it was in a tourist center with a loyal local crowd. He was going to make The Rice Ball the next big thing. He knew he could do it, because Tohru thought he could do it.

He took in a large breath and let it out with a sigh. He peered at the pages of recipes, and chuckled at the crude doodles Tohru had made to demonstrate how things needed to look and be done. He was going to cook for Kyo and maybe the reality that Yuki really just might burn down the house could bring Kyo back to them. Tohru said the feeling was what counted, and she was right in saying that Yuki loved Kyo. He'd never said it before and no one had ever mentioned it until now, but he did feel a connection, a bond with Kyo he didn't feel with Kakeru or anyone else. Even when he'd thought he hated Kyo, he'd felt connected. It had hurt to hate him as badly as it hurt to love him now.

Yuki was going to save his friend. He'd write a grocery list on the white board in the kitchen. Tomorrow morning at 6:00 am, he was going to the market with Kyo's cloth sack, and he'd pick out fresh ingredients.

_Lead the way, Tohru_.  _Lead the way._

* * *

 

(~*~)

"Yuki-dearest, what in the world are you doing? What  _is_  that?" Ayame kept one arm over his nose as he entered the kitchen and crept close to the stove.

Yuki stood over a steel pot stirring a concoction of coconut milk, whole milk, sugar and butter. The frothy white goo threatened to bubble over the pot and Yuki was quick to snatch it off the fire and hold it over the sink. "Yah!" The froth burned his bare fingers. He should have put on Tohru's chicken-shaped oven mitts.

Ayame rushed over. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine!" Yuki sucked at his burned thumb and index finger and glared down at the offending mix. "Can you get the spoon next to stove so I can stir it again?"

"Sure." Ayame moved away from him and returned, holding the large metal spoon Yuki had used to mix the ingredients. Yuki stuck it into the vat and stirred, frowning at the clumps at the bottom of the pan. He spooned a little of the mix out and scowled to find that it was brown. He'd burned it-again! And this was supposed to be the easiest recipe.

One more Indian-style rice pudding down the drain. Yuki ran water into the pot and moved away in disgust. It was a good thing he'd bought an abundance of all of the ingredients he was going to use.

"Yuki, what are you doing?" Ayame asked a second time. He sat on the counter watching Yuki measuring coconut milk and whole milk to pour into a well-used mixing bowl.

"What does it look like, Ayame? I'm cooking," Yuki said. He opened the rabbit-shaped sugar bowl and scooped out three heaping tablespoons of white sugar. Tohru said to really load the spoonfuls up with sugar, meaning what Yuki was putting into the bowl wasn't really three tablespoons of sugar, but probably five or six. Why couldn't Tohru have just called for five or six spoons of sugar? The art of cooking still eluded him.

"But why? I mean no offense, Little Brother, but you can burn water," Ayame said. "In fact, I believe I've seen you do it. Why don't you let Hatori cook this? He should be back soon."

"No," Yuki said firmly. "Tohru left the recipe to me, so that I could cook it." He nodded to the folder with brads that he kept Tohru's recipes in now. It sat on a small stand on the counter, away from the stove. "It's one of Kyo's favorite things to eat."

"Oh," Ayame said with a beam. "Oh, aren't you sweet? I would like to help!"

Yuki dumped the sugar in the bowl and added a fourth stick of butter. "You can help me try to make Tom Kha soup tonight. I think coconut milk hates me, and I'm hopeless with rice."

"And I make wonderful rice!" Ayame cheered. "And I'm sure coconut milk and I will make lovely friends. So, that's where you went so early this morning; you went to the market. I've never known you to rise before 7. Did you take Machi to the train station as well?"

"Yes, I dropped Machi off. She has an early class this morning. And as for the market, Kyo and Tohru insisted that the best produce comes out before 7," Yuki said, "and you beat the crowds and get to talk to the people who put out the goods. They're really nice. They asked after Kyo, you know? They saw his car pulling up and thought I was him until I went inside."

"Oh?"

"And I must admit I cheated. I don't know how to pick out fruit and vegetables and meat. The store manager walked around with me and my list and helped me pick everything. We even talked about The Rice Ball. Tohru and Kyo get a discount there and at a few other stores, too, but this guy, Mr. Mouri, is willing to sweeten the deal if The Rice Ball buys primarily from his store and advertises the fact. I'm going to meet with him again to go over some proposed sales figures."

Ayame nodded his head, remaining silent and smiling at him in a way that made Yuki stop stirring. "What, Nisan?"

"Nothing," Ayame said. "It's just... you're sparkling, my dear. It's like life has been injected back into you and it's positively infecting this kitchen and me too. What's happened, Yuki?"

Yuki grinned. "Tohru wrote me a letter and I finally read it. It's like she thought I hung the moon, and I can't let her down." Yuki peered into the bowl of white mix. "Okay, let's try this again." He got out another steel pot. He was running out of them and would have to do the wash soon. He buttered the base as Tohru advised and poured in the coconut milk goo and turned the flame on low.

"Nisan, you can shell the nuts and help me slice the fruit later," Yuki said. He glanced at the clock, 8:07 AM. Kyo might be up soon. He slept more than Yuki was used to him sleeping, but he still couldn't sleep past 8:30. Yuki had hoped to be done before Kyo entered the kitchen. Now he simply hoped to have a decent attempt started before Kyo came in.

As if knowing Yuki was thinking about him, Kyo padded into the room, his hair a spiky mess around his gaunt face. "My nose is completely blocked, but I can still smell that from my room. What the hell, Rat?"

Yuki smiled at him, wondering if his eyes could mimic a Tohru twinkle. " _Kheer_ ," he said, hoping he hadn't butchered the pronunciation too badly.

Kyo looked at him cross-eyed. "Kheer? Rice pudding? Wh-why are you making rice pudding, much less Indian rice pudding? Why are you using flames at all?" Kyo came closer, eyes going wide at the mess of used bowls and pots in the sink and the spilled sugar and coconut milk on the counter. His eyes fell on the grocery list Yuki had written out, lips moving over the ingredients. "You're going to make Tom Kha, too?"

"Yeah," Yuki said. "I thought it'd be fun."

" _You_  thought cooking would be fun? You wrote that list and  _you_  went to the market?" Kyo stared. He looked at the clock. "You had to have gotten up at...."

"Five," Yuki said. "That's right. That's when the best stuff is out. Um... this should be ready in 35 minutes, if I don't burn it again."

Kyo shook his head, still looking incredulous. His mouth opened and closed. Then he bit his lip. "Why are you doing this, Yuki?"

"Well, Tohru gave me a list of your favorite dishes, along with the recipes. I thought I'd try a few. This kitchen doesn't feel right unless someone's doing cooking experiments in it. Oh darn... it just keeps sticking to the bottom of the pot." Yuki growled as he tried to stir and was met with resistance.

"Because you're not stirring often enough," Kyo said. "How are you messing up the easy part? Here...." Kyo came to Yuki and butted him out of the way with his hip. "Look." He stirred roughly; then lightened his hand. "You're just trying to let this boil. You got the rice ready?"

"Yeah, it's been ready for an hour, when I first started doing this," Yuki said.

Kyo shook his head; then covered his mouth with the crook of his arm, stifling a cough. "Hopeless."

"Hey, I'm trying. I want to learn how to cook, Kyo," Yuki said. "It's time."

Kyo stirred and peered at Yuki with one brow raised. "You want to learn?"

Yuki nodded. "I've got plenty of time for you to teach me. I want to learn all of these recipes." Yuki nodded to the folder on the counter.

Kyo gazed at it and frowned. "What's that?"

"I told you, Tohru left me recipes. She wanted me to learn to cook," Yuki said.

"And you want me to teach you?" Kyo asked.

"Well, who better?" Yuki said. "It-it'll be fun. Come on. Show me how to get this pudding right, and then I want to taste it. I've never had it before."

A very faint smile curved Kyo's lips and a dull glimmer of amusement showed in his eyes. "What a little schemer my silly Rice Ball was."

Yuki's smile wavered a bit. Was Kyo going to close himself off, or grow melancholy? Yuki's shoulders slumped in relief as Kyo chuckled lightly. "All right, Rat. I'll teach you to cook... but first, yuck. What did you put in this?"

"Two cups of coconut milk, two cups of whole milk and three big tablespoons of sugar, and butter; that's what the recipe asked for," Yuki said. "Did I miss something?"

"How did you mix them, and did you melt the friggin' butter first? I feel a big glob of gunk in here...." Kyo pulled out the spoon and stared at the pat of yellow butter stuck to it.

Yuki blinked. Ayame covered his mouth, corners of his mouth quirking in spasms.

Kyo looked at Yuki then back at the spoon and started to laugh. Ayame soon joined him; then Yuki. It really wasn't that funny, but Yuki laughed until he hurt, until his cheeks were wet. Kyo turned the fire off under the pot and set the spoon down, leaning on the counter as he laughed.

"Oh man, what did I get myself into?" Kyo asked. He shook his head and went to the counter. "Geez, you buy the store?" He gazed at the cans of coconut milk, sticks of butter, jugs of milk, and piles of pistachios and almonds.

"Just about. I knew I'd mess up a lot, so I prepared," Yuki said. "I'm going to get it right."

Kyo looked at him for a long time, as if he was seeing someone else. "All right. Well, just watch what I do, and then you do it, too. We'll make two rice puddings."

Yuki felt giddy. Tohru was right; this was fun, and Kyo was so focused. He didn't have time to think about being sad as he worked with his hands. His cousin needed activity. Yuki followed Kyo's directions, watching his cousin skillfully mix ingredients and melt butter and use a whisk to fluff the mixture. It did not resemble Yuki's previous white sludge. When he tried, under Kyo's guidance, his didn't either.

All the while they worked, Kyo kept stealing strange glances at Yuki.

"What is it, Kyo?" Was he noticing the same difference Ayame had in him?

"Nothing, you just... remind me of... you know." Kyo went back to whisking. His face was a mask of concentration as he transferred mix to pot and turned on the fire. He stirred and tasted and added more sugar or more milk. He even went to the fridge and dropped in a bit of cream.

"The directions don't say that!" Yuki objected.

"Directions change," Kyo said. "You gotta taste it and adapt. If you wanna learn to cook, you gotta know that. Okay, now I'm gonna add the rice. See how I move the pot back and forth by just shaking my wrist real slow? That's gonna keep the bottom from scorching right now."

Yuki nodded, not sure if he could be that precise. He was going to make an unholy mess.

Kyo added his rice and let the pot sit on the stove. He reduced the fire until it was barely visible and set the baby chick timer for 20 minutes. "Okay, your turn."

"Yay," Yuki said without enthusiasm and Kyo snorted.

"Go for it, Little Brother! Bonzai!" Ayame cheered.

In five minutes, Yuki's rice simmered alongside Kyo's. They took seats on the counter near the stove top, watching their rice. Ayame left the kitchen, nibbling on a pear and babbling about needing to call Mine about skirt measurements and fabric.

"Can I see your recipes?" Kyo asked in a soft voice and Yuki slid from his perch to bring Kyo Tohru's notes. He watched his cousin thumb through the blue pages. Kyo swallowed and nodded at what he read. "She simplified them all, for you." He grinned. "You're not gonna be able to make half this, though."

"I can!" Yuki said.

Kyo shook his head. "Not without my help. She knows-knew that. She's still taking care of me, isn't she?"

Yuki pulled himself back onto the counter, hip brushing Kyo's. "If anyone could figure out a way to do it, she could."

Kyo's mouth trembled and he passed Yuki's folder back to him. He covered his face with his hands. "I feel evil for laughing when she's not here. I feel wrong for having a good time."

"You're not evil or wrong. She wanted you to smile and be happy," Yuki said.

"She wanted everyone to smile and be happy. She can't-couldn't accept that some people just can't. I can't-no, I don't want to. I'm too angry for that. I saw-I saw...." He trailed off.

"You saw what?" Yuki touched Kyo's shoulder, rubbing it. His cousin's breathing was rough and uneven.

"Behind her clothes, on a shelf, in a box, she had a scrapbook. It's pink and blue with a stork on the cover. It says: "Our Baby". The receipt was in it. She bought it a week before she went into testing."

Oh no. Tohru hadn't wanted Kyo to know.

"Our Baby," Kyo said. "What that must have been like for her, and she didn't tell me so I could help her. I could have... we could have come up with something. She couldn't have had a baby, but maybe we could have gotten a puppy or a kitten or something. I should have known. I just should have known and I didn't do enough. I keep finding things that tell me I didn't do enough."

"Kyo, you did more than enough. You were amazing, are amazing," Yuki said. "Tohru..."

"Would say the mail man was amazing," Kyo said with a snort. "I failed."

"You didn't...."

"She died, I failed," Kyo repeated. His tone was matter-of-fact. Yuki kept his hand on Kyo's shoulder. What would Tohru say to something like that; what would she do?

Yuki sighed as the answer came to him. He pulled Kyo toward him, feeling his cousin's balance shift, and guided Kyo's head to his shoulder. "So, you think you failed; then I guess you'd better make up for it then. What do you think would make her happy?"

Kyo moaned. "I don't know."

"Yes you do," Yuki said.

"I can't do that, Yuki. I told you I feel wrong."

"It won't always feel that way, Kyo," Yuki said. "Tohru would want you to try. What did her letter say to you?"

Kyo pushed away from Yuki and slipped off the counter and went to the sink. He sneezed violently three times in a row and rubbed his chest when he was done. He glared into the stainless steel sink bowl. "That's none of your business." He was hoarse.

"She asked you to try, didn't she?"

"It's none of your business!" He sneezed several more times. It sounded painful.

"Kyo, you need to take some medicine," Yuki said gently.

"I'm fine," Kyo said. The baby chick began to cluck and Kyo washed his hands.

"Turn the fire off under my pot. Yours still has 10 more minutes."

Yuki reached over the turn the knob. Kyo went to the counter, gathering other

ingredients. He took the metal tray out of the toaster oven and covered it with foil. He poured almonds onto the tray and slipped the tray back into the toaster oven and started the machine. Ayame had kindly shelled the pistachios. Kyo rolled them in sprinkled cinnamon. He seemed to forget he was supposed to be demonstrating all of this for Yuki, lost in making pudding.

Yuki didn't interrupt him. He watched the clock on his own rice as it bubbled. Kyo glanced at him after a few moments. "Did Machi leave today?"

Yuki nodded. "She caught a very early train. I dropped her off on my way to the market."

"You should have gone with her. It's not good for you to stay here."

"You're not kicking me out."

"I'm not trying to, I'm just saying," Kyo said. A second timer went off and Yuki turned the fire off under this rice.

"Well how about you say something useful, like how the hell you just did all of that with those pistachios and what you're doing with the rose water? I'll never learn to cook like this. You'll have to start over!"

Kyo cocked his head to one side; the incredulous look returned. "Damn Rat. Come over to the counter. I'm only gonna do this one more time."

Yuki joined Kyo, nudging him with his elbow. "Fine. Stupid Cat."

* * *

 

(~*~)

Blueberry coffee cake ala Tohru was evil and Kyo wasn't helping. He let Yuki make disaster after disaster. His first cake was soupy in the middle and when he put it back into the oven it dried out. His second cake was hard as a rock. His third cake tasted like eggs, and his fourth had no taste at all. Kyo sat on the kitchen counter, sipping hot tea from a large mug and watching Yuki blunder along. "You'll never learn if you don't fly solo every now and again. Figure out why your cake didn't come out right on your own. Play around with stuff," he'd said.

Yuki gazed at Kyo with narrowed eyes; the tone of his gaze lightened as he took in Kyo's heavy sweatshirt and Tohru's afghan around his shoulders. The redhead shivered and blew his nose while swallowing back rattling coughs that went on for minutes at a time. He'd finally agreed to take cold medicine, but it didn't seem to be helping him. He trudged about the house with a box of tissue, only brightening when it was time for a cooking lesson.

Hatori came into the kitchen, followed by Ayame, pulling suitcases. Yuki felt a tug in his chest. Ayame was going home tonight.

"Oh dear, and here I thought I was going to have a lovely coffee cake to see me off," Ayame said. "Haha! I shall simply have to take a mental picture of my dear brother trying his hardest."

Kyo shook his head. "There's some flan in the fridge. He didn't have as much trouble making that, and you like egg gook."

Ayame beamed and clapped his hands. "You taught my Yuki how to make flan?"

"I remember how much you ate the last time you got it," Yuki said. "And it really wasn't that hard... though Kyo made the sauce, and he set them."

Ayame looked to Kyo with a grin. "Thank you, Kyo."

Kyo shrugged. "No problem. I just-I wanted to say thanks. You didn't have to come or be here so long or anything, and it meant a lot to Rice Ball and-and me, too." He looked at his feet as he talked which made Yuki laugh and Ayame rush forward to envelope Kyo in a great hug.

Kyo choked a bit in his grasp, startled. Ayame pulled back, holding onto Kyo's shoulders. "You are my role model now, Kyo-chan. If I'm to be a husband, I need to know how to do it right. You'll teach me won't you?"

Kyo blinked at him. "Me? I don't know how to...."

"It is simple. I will learn by the examples you set," Ayame said. "Oh, and...and if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to come back for a while and have you teach me to cook, like Yuki."

Kyo was speechless. He cleared his throat and nodded quickly, blushing slightly and Ayame laughed. "Haha! Why you are almost as cute as my little brother! How did I miss this?" He ruffled Kyo's hair, pulling at the length and studying it. "You won't cut it, will you?"

Kyo shook his head.

"Good." Ayame pressed a kiss to his brow. "May I call you to see how you're doing from time to time?"

Kyo nodded. Ayame squeezed Kyo's shoulders and rubbed at one of his eyes hastily. "Well, well it seems... it seems that it's time for me to go. Come and give me a kiss, Yuki, since your hands are covered with flour I can't expect a hug."

Yuki rolled his eyes and left his batter to send Ayame off. He gazed at Kyo, who looked flustered and embarrassed and gave him a smile. Ayame had returned to his suitcases. Yuki held his arms out so that Ayame could hug him without getting dirty. "Goodbye Nisan. Will you call me, too?"

Ayame looked pleased. "Of course."

"Thank you for being kind to Kyo," Yuki said.

"You don't have to thank me for that. I'm kind to Kyo because I want to be. He's my family, too, though I may not have treated him so well in the past. That was my mistake. I have a lot of mistakes to atone for. I should tell you all thank you for letting me."

Yuki snorted and bowed his head so that Ayame could kiss the top of it. "I love you Nisan."

If Ayame had wings he would have flown. Yuki had never seen his brother so elated. "I love you, too."

Hatori was the one to go to the fridge and get the blue and white lunch box Kyo had packed Ayame's flan inside, and he was also the one to open the back door. He gazed at Yuki and Kyo. "Kazuma will be back before we return. He called me earlier. Don't burn down the house." He was looking at Yuki.

Yuki huffed and Kyo smirked.

The two older men left in a flurry of suitcases and chatter from Ayame. Yuki gazed at his floury hands. "Fifth time's the charm?"

Kyo saluted Yuki with his tea mug. "You shouldn't screw it up this time, Rat. I think you know what you did." He surrendered to a coughing fit, covering his mouth with a baggy sleeve. Yuki counted the seconds until he finished: 84.

"Maybe we should take a break?" Yuki suggested. Hatori was worried about Kyo, but not that worried. He'd told Yuki that Kyo's immune system was compromised by grief; it was just going to take longer for him to get better.

Kyo sipped his tea. "Nah, you're hot now. If we break, you'll be back where you started." He took another sip and cleared his throat. He studied the picture on the mug; it was one of Tohru's; a cat and a mouse played in the sun together. "I think...."

Yuki waited.

"... by the end of this I'll make a competent cook out of you yet; even if it takes years," Kyo said. "You're so hopeless Rice Ball knew it would take years." He let his head fall back as he snickered. "How did you mess up four cakes-four? Honestly, I'm not helping because I'm so fascinated by you."

Yuki mock-glared, but inside he soared. He was doing it.

Kyo's snickers faded and Yuki went back to his batter, trying to recall his prior miscalculations. "Hey Yuki?"

"Mmhm?" No, no, last time he added that much milk his cake was soup.

"Do you want to visit Tohru's grave with me?"

Yuki almost spilled the milk he was measuring. "Huh? Her grave... oh-yeah. Next week?"

"Right now," Kyo said. "I just-I want to see it."

"But, Kyo, it's dark, and it's cold out and you're sick," Yuki started and stopped. Kyo looked so small and defeated as if Yuki's negative words were cutting him down to size. "Ah..."

What would Tohru do?

"Sure, let's go. Let me wash my hands and we'll grab some coats."

Kyo grinned. "Thank you."

Yuki grinned back. "You never have to say that to me." He went to the sink to wash baking evidence off his hands, while watching Kyo out of the corner of his eye. His cousin was studying that mug again. He finished off his tea and clutched the handle.

"I'll be back and ready to go in a bit." Kyo pushed himself off the counter and wandered out of the kitchen toward the back hallway and his room.

Yuki wondered if going to the graveyard was a good idea, and shivered as a cool soft feeling seemed to brush his cheek. Was he imagining that scent or was it really there?-jasmine lotion. The scent of his recipe book was strong, though its pages sat on the kitchen table, far away from him.

_Tohru?_

Yuki touched his own cheek. It was cool, but the lingering impression of tiny fingers tingled under his skin.

Perhaps going to see Tohru's grave right then was a good idea after all. He went to the hall closet to get his and Kyo's coats and waited by the back door for his cousin to return.

 

 

* * *

Rimes, Leann. "Please Remember."  _Coyote Ugly_. Curb Records, 2001. CD.


	18. "Feeling and Knowing You Hear Me... It Keeps Me Alive."

Yuki wasn't surprised that Kyo was quiet. He leaned against the passenger side door, pressing his face against the window and staring out into the night. Yuki kept the radio off, not knowing if Kyo wanted music or not. Yuki figured if he did, he'd turn it on himself. A light, misting rain coated the windows. Yuki turned the windshield wipers on low; the gentle skidding noises of the rubber tipped blades sliding against the glass every few seconds and the sound of warm air rushing through the car's vents were soothing. If Yuki wasn't careful, he might doze off.

It would be another 45 minutes until they reached Tokyo, and Master Kazuma had called twice. The first call was a "Where are you?" inquiry, the second call was "Don't stay outside too long, it's cold and raining!" Hatori hadn't called, but he'd been in the background for Kazuma's second call, and Yuki had heard his muttered "idiots." In Yuki's defense, it hadn't been raining when they'd set out. He was sure he'd seen an umbrella under the backseat, but if not, Kyo's sweatshirt had a hood.

"I've never seen my mother's grave."

Yuki glanced over at Kyo. The redhead still stared out the window.

"Never? But what about after her funeral?"

Kyo shook his head. "My dad went nuts and started yelling about how it was all my fault before we got to the gravesite. I ran away. No one found me until that night. I don't even know if they really looked. I didn't go that far."

Yuki was quiet. He hadn't been at that funeral, but he remembered the talk. Older family members had whispered about Kyo's bad manners and how it was to be expected for the demon child to behave that way. No one said a word about how terrible Kyo's father had been. Some of them were even in agreement that Kyo's mother had killed herself because she couldn't handle being the mother of a monster. Yuki clenched the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry, Kyo."

"It's fine. Tohru says-she  _said_ -that it's all in the past. There's nothing I can do to change it now, so why let it get me down." Kyo traced a figure on the window with his index finger. "She always looked at what was right in front of her. But still, I think I should go see my mom, too, one day. Tohru wanted us to go. She said she wanted to meet her, like meeting a big chunk of rock was meeting my mom."

"And then I realized I didn't have any pictures. I don't have any pictures of my mom, or any of her stuff. My dad wouldn't let me have anything. I don't even think I remember what she looked like, not really. That made Tohru cry. Isn't that something else? She cried and I didn't-over  _my_  mom."

"She wanted to find my mom's family for me. She even started tracking them down. I found out my mom grew up in America. My grandparents divorced and she stayed with her mom. She didn't come to Japan to meet her dad, my grandpa, until she was 18. I didn't want to bug them, but Tohru had these plans to go meet them, my mom's family. That was-that was last year, too."

Yuki blinked away the heaviness behind his eyes. "Then let's do it, this year."

Kyo turned away from the window. "You'll come with me?"

"Yeah, what fun would it be for you to go by yourself?" Yuki said. "We'll finish Tohru's research and we'll follow her plans. She'd want that..."  _and_   _I think you need that_.

"What about your job, Yuki? You've been here for almost 2 months. Your boss might like you, but that's pushing it. You can't keep taking extended vacations."

Yuki shrugged. "If it becomes too much of a problem, I'll find another job. There's this small business, a bakery, with an outstanding reputation that I think is going to become a gold mine in the future. I want to invest in that."

Kyo laughed and coughed. Shaking his head, he said, "You'd quit your corporate job to manage The Rice Ball full time? What would Machi think about that?"

"Machi knows a good investment when she sees one and she loves Maizuru and its distance from her family," Yuki said. "We could live here or anywhere really. The Rice Ball will have multiple locations, remember? I'm excited about it like I've never been excited about anything that has to do with stocks and bonds. This is... something  _I_  need."

Yuki felt Kyo's eyes on him. He was looking at him the same way he had in the kitchen a few days ago when he tried to make rice pudding. "Well, then yeah, you should do it. Do it and do it good."

Yuki smiled, enjoying the companionable silence the rest of the way.

* * *

 

(~*~)

The cemetery was locked by the time they arrived. Yuki pulled at the iron door and shook his head. "I'm sorry Kyo. I didn't even think about the cemetery being closed."

Kyo had the hood of his sweatshirt pulled over his hair and ears and stood blowing his breath into his hands. "I did." He moved closer to Yuki. "The gate may be locked, but the fence isn't hard to climb."

"Are you serious?" Yuki demanded. He gazed into the dark cemetery, the misting rain created ominous fog between the tombstones. "I... we...."

"You scared, Rat?" Kyo asked.

"N-no!"  _Yes_. "It's just-illegal!"

Kyo chuckled. "It's okay if you're scared. I just wanted to see if you'd do it. Wait out here. I just-I needed someone along for the ride."

Yuki gasped. There was no way Kyo was going in there by himself. What would Tohru do? Tohru wasn't the bravest when it came to scary things, but she had confronted Kyo's vengeful cat form.  But then again, she'd also known the vengeful cat, underneath all its ugliness, was still Kyo. Would Tohru be willing to break into a cemetery at night?

For Kyo she would.

"I'm coming, Cat," Yuki said.

"Good, hold this flashlight on the gate so I can see the rungs better." Kyo pulled a small flashlight from the pocket of his sweatshirt and handed it to Yuki. Yuki took the light and shone it on the gate, looking over his shoulders for patrol men. This was just great. They were committing a crime with their car in the parking lot. If they got busted and ran away, the police would have the car. It was a very good thing he was considering the entrepreneur route; criminal records and job applications just didn't mix well these days.

Kyo scrambled up and over the gate in record time, dropping to the cement walkway on the other side with a soft thump. "Pass the light through the gate and I'll hold it for you."

Yuki handed over the flashlight and sighed, looking up at the tall black iron he was expected to scale. He'd never win an award for his climbing skills, but he'd somehow gotten up and over the gate while managing not to tear holes in clothing. Kyo patted his shoulder and shone the flashlight into the cemetery, the small beam cutting a narrow path through the darkness.

"Didn't know rats could climb," Kyo said.

"Shut up, Cat." Yuki couldn't keep the grin out of his voice. Breaking and entering was bad, being in a cemetery at night was creepy, but dammit if he wasn't filled with delicious delight at breaking the law. He felt giddy, like he'd had a shot of whiskey and chased it with a pixie stick. If they didn't get thrown in jail after this, maybe they could go out and toilet paper some houses. Kakeru had a nice place about 30 minutes away from there.

Yuki followed Kyo. His cousin was surefooted and quick as he weaved around headstones. He must have memorized a map of this place.

The night was quiet, the rain barely audible and the sounds of nocturnal critters hardly there. The pattering of their sneakers on the pavement was loud to Yuki's ears, and he couldn't help but look left and right for security. The muscles in his legs twitched, ready to run at the first sign of danger. Adrenaline pumped through his veins.

Kyo slowed to a stop and Yuki nearly crashed into him. He looked forward and sobered at the sight of Ms. Kyoko's head stone. It was acceptable for Tohru's name to have been added to Ms. Kyoko's headstone and her remains placed inside with Ms. Kyoko's, but Kyo had wanted Tohru to have her own. So a few paces behind Ms. Kyoko's resting place was Tohru's resting place. Yuki crept behind Kyo, eyes drinking in the sight of Tohru's tomb. The headstone was in the shape of a kitchen island and atop it was a beautifully crafted stone basket filled with wax fruit. Stuffed rabbits, and sheep, and tigers, and dogs, and chickens, and cows, and pigs and horses were placed around the basket. Yuki heard a soft clink, and saw Kyo placing the mug he'd drunk out of earlier onto the stone table. He turned it so that the cartoon cat and mouse faced them. "Now, she has a cat and mouse, too."

He sat on his knees and bowed his head, pressing his hands against the tomb. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when they brought you. I'm sorry I couldn't fill your urn."

Yuki knelt beside him, sitting back on his heels and studying the intricate carving of Tohru's name on the silver plaque at the base of the tomb.

_Tohru Sohma._

_"You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile"-Nat King Cole._

The moisture from the pavement dampened the knees of his jeans and chilled his body. Tiny droplets of rain clung to his neck and trickled down the collar of his shirt. It wouldn't be a good idea to stay out here much longer, but Yuki didn't want to rush Kyo. The ex-Cat was still in the same position with his hands pressed to the tombstone as if he was communing with Tohru.

Yuki touched the cold stone as well, willing any sensation to wash over his body, but all he felt was rock. Tohru wasn't in this place. She'd been in the kitchen. She would probably be in the garden, if Yuki took the time to enjoy his work there; Tohru was where her family lived. Yuki removed his hands from the stone and touched Kyo's damp shoulder.

"Kyo, I think it's time to go," he whispered.

"Just a little longer? I want to see if I can feel her," Kyo said, "if she's here."

"She isn't," Yuki said gently. "Tohru wouldn't wait around in a cemetery. If you need her, Tohru will come to you."

"I need her now," Kyo said. He pulled away from the stone and raised his head.

"She's with you," Yuki said. "She's right," Yuki poked Kyo's forehead as Kyo had so often done to Tohru, "here. This cemetery is only where her bones are."

Kyo sniffled. "Yeah. I guess I was hoping for a connection or something here. I thought-" He shrugged and let out a puff of air. "I just needed to know. She's not here." He sneezed against the fabric of his coat sleeve and sniffed juicily. "We can go."

Yuki stood then reached down to help Kyo up. Kyo leaned on him for a moment, before pushing away. He let out another powerful sneeze and dug around in his pockets, probably for tissue.

"I think there's tissue in the car...."

Yuki's eyes went wide as a thick yellow beam of light cut across the pavement toward them and Kyo cursed softly. "Behind the headstone!"

Kyo, quick as a cat, ducked behind Tohru's tomb and Yuki followed as footsteps accompanied the oncoming flashlight's beam.

"No use hiding. I saw you two!" The voice was cranky and male. "Come out from behind there."

Yuki looked to Kyo who was stuffing their own flashlight in his pocket. Yuki mouthed, "What do we do?"

Kyo's nose twitched once, twice, then, "Aachoo! Aachoo!"

"Gotcha!" A man in a black cap that read "Security" peered at them over the tombstone, shining his flashlight on their heads. "Stand up."

Yuki's heart was racing. They were caught. He was going to jail. He was going to have a criminal record. He stood up slowly, raising his hands above his head like a suspect. Kyo stood up, too, rolling his eyes at Yuki.

The officer was a few inches shorter than Yuki and middle-aged with wide cheeks. He wore tan slacks and a black windbreaker zipped to his throat. He ran the flashlight up and down the length of Yuki and Kyo's bodies, lingering on their faces; then grumbled, "Damn kids."

_Damn kids?_

"Come on, let's call your parents."

_Call our parents?_

"Our parents, but we...."

"Shut up, Yuki," Kyo hissed in his ear. Yuki frowned at Kyo in confusion. This man thought they were juveniles. What was going to happen when he tried to call Yuki's parents' house and they told him that Yuki was 23 years old. People got prison time for lying to the law.

Yuki and Kyo followed the man as he moved over the grounds, letting his flashlight lead the way.  

"Kyo, what are you...."

"Let me handle this," Kyo said.

Near the gate at the rear of the graveyard was a very small brick building. The gold plate on the black metal door said: Security. The man fumbled for the right key on the key ring dangling from his belt and let them all inside. The door swung into an office with two square desks loaded with notebooks and planners. There were several small televisions mounted to the blank walls. Three of them showed different angles of the cemetery and one of them showed what looked to be the same silly drama Yuki had seen on TV right after Tohru's funeral. A fish tank glowed in one corner and the smell of tuna and crackers perfumed the air. The security guard moved behind one of the desks, and sat down. He studied Yuki and Kyo with obvious annoyance and distaste.

"What are your names?"

"Sohma," Kyo said.

"First names?"

"Kyo and Yuki," Kyo said. "Look, we...."

"Save it. I'm tired of you kids sneaking in here to take stuff off the graves. I'm glad I caught some of you," the guard said, then yawned. He pulled opened one of his desk drawers and produced a cell phone. He dropped it onto the desk. "Call your parents; then pass the phone over to me."

Yuki glared at Kyo as Kyo took the phone and began dialing. Who was he calling?

"Hey Dad-it's Kyo. No, no it's not...."

"Give me the phone." The security guard jerked the phone from Kyo's fingers. "Mr. Sohma, I presume. I've got your boys here, Kyo and Yuki. I'm Officer Yagi, security...."

"Kyo, who did you call?" Yuki whispered.

"Shigure," Kyo said. Yuki blinked. Shigure? Why would Kyo call Shigure of all people?-then he thought about it. Shigure, the master of deceit and deflection, quick on the uptake and quicker to spin a tale of nonsense that dumber people often believed.

"Yes sir, and I am so sorry to disturb you with this. It really is a shame how disrespectful today's youth can be. Don't worry. I'll hold them and bring them out to you when you get here. Thank you for being responsible," Officer Yagi was saying. He clicked the "Call End" button on his touch screen and turned a glare on Yuki and Kyo.

"Your parents are on their way to get you, and your father did not sound pleased. You're going to be in for some serious punishment. You ought to be ashamed," Officer Yagi said, "but I bet you're not."

Kyo shrugged and Yuki followed his lead. Were they really getting away with this?

"Go on and sit down over there." Yagi gestured to a set of foldable chairs in the corner across from the fish tank. "I ought to make you two clean up in here."

Yuki sank into a hard chair and Kyo sat next to him. He frowned at his cousin's shivers. He shrugged off his coat and offered it to Kyo. Kyo blinked at him. "You're not cold?"

Yuki shook his head. The office was warm, and his frozen knees were starting to thaw. Kyo pulled Yuki's coat over his shoulders like a blanket and leaned back in the chair, letting the back of his head rest against the paneled wall. "That guy said our parents, plural. Do you think Shigure will bring Akito?"

Yuki scowled. He hoped not. Wouldn't that be awkward? "I just can't believe we're not going to jail. I don't have my wallet. If he'd asked for ID, I'd be in trouble."

Kyo snorted. "I don't have mine either." His runny red eyes twinkled and Yuki was semi-bewildered to note that Kyo was glowing, as Tohru had said he did when he was content or being himself.

"Are you having fun?" Yuki asked.

Kyo's shoulders shook as he held in laughter. "Can you believe what's happening?"

"You're having fun." Yuki smacked Kyo's leg.

"I just keep imagining Rice Ball's face; if she was here, she'd be in tears," Kyo said, his voice warm and mirthful. "She would be apologizing and offering to clean this place and bake cookies. She'd call me terrible for laughing. She'd send this guy cards every Christmas and on his birthday. "

Kyo pulled Yuki's coat over his face as he giggled.

Officer Yagi glared in their direction. "You kids think this is funny?"

"No sir," Yuki said. "Not at all. My... my brother's just..."  _crazy_? "...sick."

Kyo continued to shake, but Yuki no longer heard giggles. He touched Kyo's arm. "Kyo?"

"Not now." His voice was shaky.

"Okay." Yuki said, he took his hand off Kyo's arm and wound it around his shoulders. He listened to Kyo's congested breaths catch in his chest as he grieved. "Okay."

* * *

 

(~*~)

It took thirty minutes for Shigure to arrive, and ten for Officer Yagi to march Yuki and Kyo through the graveyard to the gate where Shigure leaned against his car, arms folded over his chest. Yuki almost laughed at the fact that his older cousin wore his business suit and reading glasses. He really looked the part of a responsible father coming to collect his delinquent children. The motor of the car purred, the headlights were still on, shining their light on Kyo's car in the parking lot.

"Good evening Mr. Sohma." Officer Yagi shook Shigure's hand and Shigure bowed to him apologizing for his bad sons.

Kyo rolled his eyes. "The dumb dog's laying it on rather thick, don't you think?"

Yuki elbowed him.

Yuki and Kyo watched Officer Yagi carry on a casual conversation with Shigure, ignoring the fact that it was still raining and the night was getting chillier by the minute. Yuki's breath was becoming visible in the fog, and Kyo still had his coat.

"Once again, I thank you for calling me first, Officer Yagi. I know exactly how to deal with them. You boys come on. We're going home."

Yuki blinked. Officer Yagi was walking away, but not without delivering a parting glare at Yuki and Kyo. Yuki stifled the urge to stick his tongue out at the man.  _Hah, fooled you_!

Shigure waited for Officer Yagi's form to diminish and vanish into the graveyard before he began to laugh. He doubled over and slapped his knees. "Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Why don't you law breakers get in the car for a few minutes to warm up and talk."

Yuki shook his head at Shigure's antics. Kyo wore an amused smirk. Shigure opened the back door and made a grand gesture for them to enter. Then he walked around to the driver's side door.

Yuki sighed and crawled into the car, followed by Kyo. He sighed at the blast of hot air that immediately drove the chill from his bones. He scooted over so that Kyo could pull his legs inside. It wasn't until the rear door slammed that he noticed another body in the car besides Kyo's. A slender shape with dark, layered hair sat in the passenger seat. The head turned and Yuki faltered. Akito.

"Do you want me to turn up the heat?" Akito asked in a soft voice.

"Uh, no, it's okay. I'm fine. Uh, Kyo, do you want more heat?"

Kyo shook his head.

Yuki glanced through the driver's side window to see Shigure leaning on the hood of the car, lighting a cigarette. Oh the dirty dog had tricked them.

Awkward silence filled the car.

"I..." Akito began. It was so strange hearing the voice that used to bring him nightmares coming out of the mouth of a woman. "I'm so sorry about Tohru, Kyo."

Kyo rubbed his palms together and shut his eyes. His mouth was pressed in a firm, straight line.

"It's so horrible what happened. I wanted you two to be so happy. You-you deserve happiness after-after the childhood you had. I, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. I was a very sick person in the past. I'm getting better. I'm seeing a doctor, a psychiatrist, and I'm a lot better. I wanted to come and show you and Tohru and you, too, Yuki, but I was afraid and I kept putting it off and now it's too late." Akito's voice trembled. "You'll never forgive me, will you?"

Yuki couldn't bring himself to look at Akito. He didn't want to see those big, dark eyes fixated on him or full of tears. His mind's eye saw the mean boy Akito had been, towering over him and hitting him with switches or telling him he was useless.

Tohru said be nice, but being nice was easier said than done.

"It's okay if you don't," Akito said. "I understand. I don't know that I'd forgive me. In fact, I don't and my doctor says that I have to, to really get better. But how can I? My family hates me."

"Shigure doesn't hate you," Yuki said.

"But you do," Akito said.

Yuki squeezed his eyes shut, reaching deep inside for a response to that. He knew what Tohru would tell him to say, but what did he feel? Did he hate Akito? When he was a child he did, but as an adult, now that Akito was insignificant and held no power over him? Now that Akito was apologizing and begging for forgiveness?

"I don't know how I feel about you," Yuki said. He opened his eyes and glanced at Kyo, who rocked back and forth, concentrating on Akito's headrest.

Akito nodded sadly at Yuki; then asked, "Do you hate me, Kyo?"

A slow, passionless smile crossed Kyo's lips, one that hurt Yuki to see. He looked like one of those plastic dolls for girls with the vapid eyes and empty smiles. "I don't think I care enough about you to hate you anymore, but I don't love you."

Akito nodded. "I understand."

There was awkward silence again broken only by Kyo's coughing. Yuki winced at the length of the fit. He reached over to touch Kyo's cheek; the fever was back. They needed to go.

Akito turned to face the back, peering over his seat at Kyo with a concerned frown. "Are you all right?"

"Would you be?" Kyo's voice was gravelly. He cleared his throat and reached for the door handle.  "Tohru loved you, and maybe... maybe one day, we can try again. But not now." He opened the door and got out of the car. "Pass me the keys to my car if you want to stay in here longer, Yuki."

Yuki shook his head. He crawled out after Kyo, but not before pausing at Akito's chair. He looked his old nemesis in the eyes, not so shocked to find them different, changed. There was no insanity or cruelty in their depths, no desperation or manic anger, merely worry and a great sadness. Yuki let his hand rest on the top of the chair, close enough to Akito's face to feel warmth from her body. "That goes for me, too. One day, we'll start over. Maybe I want to know this new person you are."

Akito's pale cheeks colored slightly and she nodded solemnly, a small smile touching her lips. "Thank you, Yuki. Now, please get Kyo out of the rain."

Yuki patted the leather of the seat and exited the car. He closed the door and placed a hand on Kyo's back. Shigure peered at them over the top of the car. "Hatori will be waiting for you two. He called me after you left for this place. He knew you'd get into trouble, but he actually thought you'd get picked up by the cops. This is even better."

Yuki flushed. "Hatori knew the cemetery was going to be closed?"

Shigure puffed on his cigarette and chuckled. "He wanted copies of your mug shots for the mantle."

Kyo snorted. "As if I'd let him keep those pictures." Kyo smirked at Yuki. "Those would be for  _your_ scrapbook." He laughed and coughed, doubling over. Yuki patted his back.

"It's time to go home," Yuki said. Shigure came around to them, hugging Yuki, then Kyo, lingering for a few extra moments.

"Take care of each other," Shigure said. "I miss our little family, and I hope you both will visit the house." He hugged Kyo again, touching a hand to his cheek. "Now get out of here, or Hatori will kill us all."

"Thank you, Shigure," Yuki said. He placed both hands on Kyo's shoulders, and they walked in the direction of Kyo's car.

"Can you believe that no good Hatori?" Kyo said as he buckled his seatbelt. "He wanted us to get locked up. He was counting on it."

"Which means Master Kazuma felt the same; he didn't warn us either," Yuki said. "I bet they're laughing right now, those bastards."

Kyo choked. "Yuki, your language."

Yuki blushed a bit. "Well, it's true."  
"Tohru would scold you," Kyo said.

"She'd scold you, too, for being in the rain with a cold," Yuki said, buckling his own seatbelt.

"She'd scold you more for letting me be in the rain with a cold," Kyo said. He turned on the heat and aimed two of the vents at himself. Sniffling, he gazed at Yuki, his features a careful mask. "Hey Rat?"

"Yes?" Yuki started the car completely, and flicked on the headlight and windshield wipers.

"I know you're doing all this to make me feel better, and I like that you're doing it, but... you got a life outside of all this." Kyo placed his fingers on a vent, splaying them wide. "I feel okay right now, and maybe I'll feel okay tomorrow, but I don't know when I'm gonna just  _be_  all right, all the time. And I don't want you wasting time here until I am."

"I'm not wasting time...."  
"Have you gone out at all since you've been here? Did you go to the movies with Machi or take her dancing? Do you call your friends?"

"Kyo...."

"Don't die because I did," Kyo said.

_What?_  "Kyo, you're not...."

"That's how I feel deep down: dead, but I'm not gonna stay this way," Kyo said, nodding his head at no one in particular. "I can't. There's too much to do. I want to do everything Tohru wanted to do, and then I want to do what she wanted me to do."

"And then what about what you want to do because you want to do it?" Yuki pressed.

"After I do everything on those lists, maybe I'll be fine, and when I'm fine, maybe I'll have plenty things that I want to do for the hell of it, too. Right now, though? Right now, my head's blank. I don't remember what it's like to do things without her input or her by my side. I have to relearn how."

Yuki ran his fingers over the leather gearshift but didn't put the car in "drive". "And you want to relearn on your own?"

"I think I  _have_ to relearn on my own."

"Okay," Yuki said after a beat. "So, you're kicking me out?"

"No!" Kyo's head jerked in Yuki's direction. "No, you can stay; stay as long as you want, just... don't stop your life for it. Come visit, come with me to meet my grandma, I want... I want you to be my friend."

"I am your friend," Yuki said firmly. "And we're going to play this by ear, okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, okay," Kyo said. He reclined in his chair, closing his eyes. A smile quirked his lips.

"What?"

"A mug shot really would have been a great way to kick off a scrapbook, but I think your girl Machi might have had that one framed."

Yuki tossed back his head and laughed; then shifted the car out of neutral.

"Hatori really is a bastard."

 

* * *

Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. "One Sweet Day."  _Fantasy_. Sony, 1995.

 


	19. "So Much More Than a Memory"

Yuki stood beside Kyo as his cousin bowed his head in front of his mother's grave. She had been buried in the Sohma plot, but in a lonelier area reserved for those who weren't family by blood. The grave was well-kept with fresh flowers placed on the plaque that matched the other flowers in the area.

Kyo knelt down, getting grass stains on his jeans as he placed a framed picture of himself and Tohru in front of The Rice Ball next to the fresh flowers.

"She would have loved Tohru," Kyo said softly. "She would have loved that I fell in love and got married and had a house. I know she would have. She was nice like that. She used to tell me that she loved me so much that she didn't want to share me with the world, but she would have shared me with Tohru... if she'd let herself have the chance to."

Yuki touched the top of Kyo's head. "I'm sure you're right."

Kyo's fingers brushed the frame and he shut his eyes. "I keep telling myself that she's in a better place. Everyone who dies is in a better place, waiting for us to come to them later." He tilted his head back to look up at Yuki, his eyes dry but sad. "I'm going to believe it one day."

Yuki ruffled Kyo's hair. "Are you ready to go?"

Kyo sighed and shook his head slightly. "No. Not right now. I think..." He gazed back at the plaque. "I think I want to stay here for a bit. It's... quiet."

Yuki nodded. "All right, but just for a bit. We need to leave for the airport soon."

"Just for a bit," Kyo agreed and lapsed into silence.

Yuki took a few steps away, inhaling the sharp, crisp scent of grass and jasmine. He rubbed his bare arms. It was summer, but places of death always gave Yuki chills. The Sohma family graveyard was pretentious and marvelous at the same time with its white marble statues and manicured gardens separating older portions of the cemetery from the new.

Yuki watched his cousin's serene form with a soft smile. Kyo had come a long way. Months of gray skies had parted to let the sun peek through the clouds.

Tohru had died in early March and Yuki had stayed with Kyo until late April before returning to Tokyo to quit his job and sublet his apartment. He rented a nice, little two-bedroom house in Maizuru close to The Rice Ball, as he took on full time duties as The Rice Ball's business director and shook hands to break ground for another bakery in the city of Kyoto.

In May, Kyo made the decision to lease the cottage he and Tohru had lived in to the family Ayame recommended, and he'd moved in with Yuki. It was a nice arrangement. Yuki liked having a roommate he didn't have to put toilet seats down for. Though, every time Machi slept over, she complained that Yuki was learning bad habits.

In June, Ayame and Mine had married. It had been a small, simple ceremony at the Sohma lake house. Yuki's parents had actually attended, and Kyo had been persuaded to sing a song with his guitar. He'd been all smiles and laughter that night, and later on he'd asked Yuki to help him research his maternal relatives that lived in America.

In July, Kyo had returned to work. He took over for Master Kazuma as head instructor of his dojo and Experimental Wednesdays at The Rice Ball resumed. He cried less, ate more and had fewer nightmares. He was still quiet, and sometimes, he walled himself off from the world, but he was getting better. Yuki no longer worried about leaving Kyo alone if he needed to go away for a few days, but he never stayed away longer than a week.

In August, Kyo had let Yuki make them a spaghetti dinner and didn't laugh about the burned garlic bread. Instead he'd washed the bread down with a glass of red wine and said: "Yuki, let's go on a trip." And Yuki had agreed.

"Do you think they'll like me?" Kyo asked; the sound of his voice shaking Yuki from reverie. Kyo didn't look at Yuki and his voice had been small and tight.

"What would Tohru say?" Yuki asked, coming to stand beside Kyo again. Kyo's slender fingers twisted blades of grass around his mother's plaque.

Kyo gave a soft sigh. "She'd say... she'd have said 'Anyone who takes the time to know you will love you.'"

"She'd be right," Yuki said. "Your family's going to love you."

"I'm scared. Maybe we shouldn't go," Kyo whispered; he broke the blades of grass he twisted.

"They're expecting us, Kyo. They sound so excited," Yuki said, putting his hands on Kyo's thin shoulders.

"I was supposed to go to America with Tohru. She was going to know what to say, because I don't." Kyo's head rolled forward. "I wish she was here."

"I do, too," Yuki said, massaging the tense muscles of Kyo's shoulders and neck. "But she wanted you to do this."

Kyo nodded, not raising his head. His hands dug in his pockets and he extracted a keychain from one. He set it on his mother's plaque in front of the smiling picture of him and Tohru and took a deep breath, in and out, before standing.

Yuki moved back, not wanting to crowd Kyo but wanting to remain near.

"We better get to the airport, then," Kyo said. "Tohru would scold you if you let me miss our plane."

Yuki raised a brow at Kyo's slight smirk. "She would scold you more for getting your clothes dirty before getting on a plane to meet your grandmother."

"She would scold you for letting me get my clothes dirty."

Yuki snorted and laughed, giving Kyo a light shove. "Stupid Cat."

"Damn Rat," Kyo said. He stared at Yuki for a moment then grabbed him into a quick hug. "Thank you."

"You don't have to...."  
"Yes, I do," Kyo breathed. "Just shut up and take it, Rat. Now, come on. I'm not chasing after an airplane. I run fast, but not that fast."

Yuki laughed again and he and Kyo began weaving through the gardens to the gates that would take them to the parking lot where Yuki's car was parked.

Yuki glanced over his shoulder at Kyo's mother's grave. The sun glinted off the silver of the picture frame and the green plastic of the keychain with the word  _Galveston_  painted on it.

_Look at us, Tohru, international travelers. I don't really have to wish you were here, because I know you are._

_And until Kyo really knows it, too, I'll be here to remind him._

_Always._

 

 

_"I'll Be Standing There By You."_

* * *

**Author's Note: The sequel is called "Empty Spaces". If anyone would like to read it, please drop me a little feedback, letting me know that you want it :).**

 

* * *

 

Hoobastank. "More Than a Memory."  _Every Man for Himself_. Island, 2006. CD.

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think? Like it? Hate it? Don't care about it either way? Any way you liked it, let me know. Please comment. Take care!


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